A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Am I being unreasonable? My partner and I are both widowed,I am 72 she is 65. We have been together for 11 years and are extremly happy.we bought a house together 5 years ago and we have no money problems.I moved north to the area where my partner lived to be close to her family when we purchased the house. We both have grown up families who all get on famously and our respective children are delighted that we found each other.We have 2 grandsons each of similar ages 5 to 8 mine living 400 miles away, my partners 4 miles away. Obviously we see her family on a daily basis, which I am very happy with as her grandsons treat me as thier grandad and I have a fantastic relationship with both her daughter an son.So what on earth could I be complaining about?My partners son and his wife has 12 months ago presented her with twins, a boy and a girl. What fantastic news! The problem is that my partner is now expected to help out each day, from 4pm to 7,30 pm with the late afternoom food and bath time ritual, on on many occasions stay overnight to take care of the early hours crying and soothing duties.We both are fit and healthy and play golf and ski, enjoy the theatre and the movies, enjoy golf breaks abroad, visit my eldest daughter in the USA and gelerally live a good life.That was until the arrival of the twins!Now we rarley spend a full evening together, I do most of the cooking,(willingly I would add)and I find myself resenting this intrusion into our life, and it is placing a strain on what is a very loving and caring solid relationship.The twins parents have two separate home helps for day time assistance, and one nanny who spends one night a week sleeping in to give the parents a full nights sleep. Her son,the father of the twins, works from home so is there on a daily basis to help out.This has been going on for 12 months, and I can see no end in sight. If you think that this is totally acceptable, then I will never mention it again and just accept the situation as it is. There is no possibility of my partner and I splitting up, we love each other too much.We have had a few heated discussions to try to resolve the problem, but to no avail, the twins come first.I appreciate you comments.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): A year is a bit much. I'm sure your partner is quite excited about the twins, but I think you need to express your needs in this situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Hi
Just like to say i am a Twin and i believe we were quite hard to get used to at first and my mum had no help help.
But TWELVE MONTHS??? Your situation i understand seems unfair and i think you you have been patient. Are you been too unreasonable? not in my opinion. Although you may not like what i say next.
I am gonna give you it as i see it!
In the sixties My mother had TWINS plus a seven and eight year old and a drunken husband. Her Mother died before we were born so no help there. No money, no washing machine, no domestic appliances to make life easy and she did a fantastic job and the whole family are still together. She certainly did not have two day and night helpers and a husband who worked at home or mother to help with bathing and cooking.
Your wife CHOOSES to do this because she WANTS too, not because she is NEEDED i am afraid that is an excuse. I do not think she is wrong for wanting to do this, i wish my mum had this help but at the same time you are not been unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 I can see her helping out the first few months and occasionally after that...but for a whole year? When my daughters were having their children I'd go stay for a week but I'm still working full time. I think YOU should come first now. Have you told her how much you miss her and your lovely evenings at home together? I think you really need to make it clear to her. Or maybe take her son aside and explain it to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Shame man, this is not fair on you but also not on her. I think you should talk to her about how you are missing her when she is not around.
How about booking a trip, a nice holiday for a week or so and on your way back stop at your kids for a visit. This will force the parents of the twins to make other arrangements.
I am sure the duaghter in law might be helpful if you want to plan a surprise trip for your wife. Thinking about it, maybe you should talkt to her to help you plan a surprise trip.
I will keep thinking and if I can find some good ideas I will let you know.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I think you and your partner are saints! I also think you are not unreasonable to question the situation, and that you are being too reasonable for putting up with it for so long!! The aprents of the twins are so lucky to have you and your partner; you are all lucky to be part of families who get on together. But I do believe that the twins' parents are beginning (if not already) to take you and your partner forgranted. They will also become more and more dependent on you and your partner to continue to support them and their twins with your wonderful childminding service. They are the parents - it is their responsibility to ensure that their twins are well looked after, but that doesn't mean that they should place a huge amount of the responsibility on you and your partner.
Can you 'test' the situation in some way? Perhaps you could say that you and your partner would like to have a holiday (whether that means going away for a week or two, or simply staying at home and having some 'us' time)? Can you tell your partner (without it becoming heated) that as much as you're willing to accept and care for the members of her family (as she does with yours) you feel a bit swamped by the situation and you wand some time to spend alone with her for a while? Can you propose that you start to gradually reduce the amount of time you give to looking after the twins to see how well they cope without you? You could also suggest to your partner that the parents of the twins should be 'weaned' onto looking after the twins on their own in case something happened to one or the other of you (I know you're both young-ish and in good health, but it's a fact of life that getting older carries more health risks!!).
You might be saints, but don't become martyrs!! Good luck, and get your lives together back!
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