A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope this isn't too lengthy, but I think all the details are needed.I've been seeing this really amazing girl for about four months now. She's been separated for almost a year, with a wonderful 2 year old daughter whom I love as if she were my own. Her divorce isn't final yet, but we're both hoping to hear some good news sooner rather than later. I've got nothing bad to say about this girl at all, but I do feel like I've lost some respect from her and I'd like to know how to regain it.When we first met, we both decided to take it really slow. Few text messages here and there, flirty Facebook messages, etc. I took a two-week trip to Europe shortly after we met and it felt like the both of us couldn't wait to get to our phones and check Facebook to see if we had a message from one another.After things got to be more comfortable we (or maybe just I) started texting her a lot more. I'll wish her well at work, tell her goodnight, good morning, and send little thoughts her way. Knowing that she had a rough, respectless marriage I wanted her to know that I valued her, cared for her and respected her greatly.I noticed her texts got fewer and farther between and her overall energy level decreased. In other words I guess you could say, "the honeymoon phase was over."I'm the kind of guy that once I find something I'm passionate about, I will give it everything I've got, and in many cases in my past, it can be too much for some women. I went into this relationship with this knowledge and for a while I did well and the relationship flourished because of it. Now though, I feel like I've gone too far. All of this has brought us to the following scenario and question.This past weekend my girlfriend and I went camping with a large group of her friends. The second night the rain was just too much for everyone and we all went to one of the girls homes that wasn't too far away. There we continued drinking and hanging out in the hot tub. A few hours later everyone got tired and went to bed, except a few people, myself, two other guys and my girlfriend, stayed up.I quickly grew tired and wanted to go to bed. I didn't necessarily want my girlfriend to come with me since she was having a good time, but I didn't expect her to stay out there with just another guy for another two hours.She was getting snippy with me a few times, which I didn't really appreciate. For example, some girl turned the outside lights on and she snapped at me.When I finally went back out to get her to come to bed (we had to drive home the next morning) I told her I was a little hurt that she was being snappy with me. She told me she didn't even know what I was talking about and that I was making a big deal out of something silly. I admit, I was. I was really tired and slightly drunk and irritable and I didn't make a good decision picking battles.But things went downhill from there. She told me I was suffocating her; that whenever she went to talk with her friends I was right there. And she's right about this, and I was wrong. I had it in my mind that this was emour/em getaway with a group of people and so I wanted to spend time with her. But I can also see how that can be overwhelming, frustrating and suffocating. She said that she just wanted to "be her own person" too. I'm only a little sure of what she meant by that though, because I encourage individuality and independence.Giving her space is necessary, I know, but it feels weird. And since this was our first tough time, it sets a precedence for future difficult discussions and makes me think we really can't talk about feelings.In addition, I wouldn't put myself in a hot tub along with another female out of respect for my girlfriend, whether I had intentions or not. She said that I didn't trust her and that not trusting her is a deal-breaker. It's not that I didn't trust her, I just felt disrespected. Am I too old fashioned in that regards? And now that I'm giving her space, what's next? How do I regain respect and close the gap in distance?Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAckkduckie, thanks for your reply too. I care about her immensely. She's probably the first girl I've met that I've been so excited about. Before her, I didn't want kids, but since meeting her little one and falling in love, I find myself discussing plans with my girlfriend about having a kiddo in our future. It's pretty remarkable seeing my views transform as they have.
That being said, it will take more than just a few days of not hearing from her to end the relationship. I don't think it's even close to that at all, I was just curious if there was anything I could do in the meantime and/or after we spoke again to close the gap and prevent future occurances.
As for the hot tub, I don't think she was flirting. She's a really good girl and she's just not like that. I think she honestly was just enjoying a little space without me there, after being there all weekend. And we both know the guy. Even if she were to flirt, I don't think that'd be a deal breaker with me as long as it remained harmless and didn't get too far. I mean everybody flirts to some extent.
I'm definitely going to try and pick my battles better and I most definitely will not talk to her while she (or myself) is drunk, as I think that might've been the reason the discussion went sour.
As for right now, I'm not going to text her for a few days and see what happens. If I don't hear from her then, I'll text her and ask her if she's okay and if we need to talk and go from there. I have a feeling I'll hear from her soon though, but as you said, only time will tell.
But being a woman, is space/time what you do or would need in a situation like this? It seems to be, but is there nothing else we as men can do to help the situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, Zayla. One thing I guess I should clarify, if it helps at all, is that she's been separated for almost a year. The divorce is dragging for specific reasons, none of which are because she's not ready.
I guess my fear is that if I step back, it's going to look obvious (heck, maybe that's the point?) and seem strange, which may have adverse consequences. Is this a silly fear?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): You sound like you really care for her. As someone who has been in both positions, I can honestly say only time will tell. Don't text her for a few days. If she has no contact with you, end it. While it may hurt, she may just not be ready to be loved. She may need to get loose and have the freedom to flirt in a hot tub. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I imagine she is a great person, but you may have found eachother at the wrong time. My boyfriend is very similar, he snaps, isnt affectionate, and has a blooming female social circle. He isnt bad either, but he isnt ready to be committed.
Believe me, I know its painful to let go of something you've given so much to, but remember to love yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Just back away from her for a bit...and besides, she is just getting out of a marriage, so she shouldn't be dating anytime soon at this point. Also, don't pursue her with so much passion, step back a bit and allow her to give a little bit.....whenever you show a person that you care more about them than they care about you, the person that cares the most gets used...men do this all the time with a woman they know love me more than they love her...
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