A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We love each other but are now having problems making it work. I first met my boyfriend in my early teens, i was friends and used to help out his younger sister. We became closer at uni then started a relationship nearly 2 years ago, i had been crazy about him for about 2 years before we got together. Both now in our early 20s and working in graduate jobs, he has moved out from home and i stay over his most weekends and sometimes during the week. I have a job in the city so i work long hours meaning that sometimes in the evenings, i am usually in bed not long after i get home. I would describe him as my best friend as well as my boyfriend, we are close and very open with each other. My parents were alarmed once we embarked on a relationship from a friendship we seemed to get serious quickly- however in the first year and a bit i suffered 2 family bereavements after serious illnesses, i was also unwell myself due to stress, and had to help support my family during this time and i became depressed. Whilst this was going on, my bfs was my place of refuge, i went there when things got too much, when i wanted to be young and carefree again and he was always there if i wanted to talk or cry into his shoulder. Fast forward to now, things have been starting to get better for me, after going through such a dark time i am starting to feel much better in myself. I am seeing my friends more, i have started tennis again which is something i take a lot of enjoyment from and trying to make myself happy again for the sake of my boyfriend as it was never easy seeing me so upset. Since i have started being me again i am crying less, i haven’t had as many dark moods and i am feeling like a weight has been lifted. However this all has affected my relationship with my bf. Several times in the past few weeks he says i am being distant with him, he accused me of not acting like i loved him after i had to work late and couldn’t talk to him. I suppose it hasn’t been as easy to spend as much time together but being told that i don’t make time for him and that i act like i don’t want to see him, that im not being open with him and also that me starting tennis again is going to between us it all just hurts. He tells me im acting odd, that something has changed and he wants to know so we can sort it out but i don’t understand what i have done, i am becoming the girl i was before all the drama happened, the girl he fell for not who i had been, this blue and sad self with the confidence of a pea. What has changed is that im becoming happier, i am still madly in love with him, he means the world to me and i am making time for him, perhaps we are not spending as much time together but he has his commitments to which keeps us apart just as much as i do. I desperately need help as i don’t know what to do? I am not aware that i am being distant with him, i don’t just want to accuse him of over reacting as i think that this will just annoy him further. Please help. I am really trying to get my life back on track but its hard knowing it might lose me the thing that got me through one of the worst times in my life.
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female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous  +, writes (26 July 2012):
Lauren hit the nail on the head. Talk to him, try to make more of an effort to see him if he feels you arent ie invite him to play tennis, maybe ask your friends to do a double date, call him on your lunch break. Hes used to being there for you and now that you are better in yourself and dont need his shoulder to cry on as much, he feels like you are less interested. Talk. Communicate. Let him know hes loved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): You have written exactly what you need to tell him all here. Say it as nicely as you have wrote it then he will begin to understand the change. He became accustomed to being needed by you and now the balance has shifted he doesn't understand why and is instead possibly fearing you are not only moving on from your past troubles - but also from him.
Arrange a time to talk over all you discuss here, tell him that there is going to be times you will be busy because you restarting hobbies etc... It doesn't mean you dont want to be with him but you want to have more interests. Perhaps suggest he joins you for a game if he feels disconnected but having separate interests is important and encourage him to continue/restart or take up a hobby so his time isn't spent wondering what you're doing.
Good luck : )
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