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male
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anonymous
writes: My ex girlfirend/fiancee of 8 years left me 5 months ago for another man. She lied about the other guy and I only found the truth out recently. I am almost over her, it has been very hard. She has now broken up with the man she left me for, he is married with children, and she wants to get back together with me. I still love her, but I can't bare the thought of having to go through all the hurting and pain if she goes again - I never thought it would be so difficult. I am not sure I can forgive her anyway, or even want to forgive her. Once the trust is gone can it ever be recovered? She lied constantly, and made me feel really guilty before I found out she had left me for someone else, should I bother again with her? Will I always be haunted with the thought of her and the basterd she ran off with?I still have feelings for her deep down but because of her lies doubt I will ever trust anyone else again, let alone her. Any advice would be appreciated as I really am lost and still can't bare the thought of life without her and I do deep down want her back. What a mess!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): Thank you all for your advice. I will not be getting back together with her as I simply do not trust her anymore. I think I would allways have doubts especially when she received a text messages!
Her mother has cheated on her husband for years and her elder sister, recently seperated from her husband, has been seeing a married man for years so I suppose it was inevitable my ex would have no scruples in doing the same.
She said some very hurtful things when she left me which were completely unnecesary (she wanted to have children in a few years time, but not with me, was not sexually attractive to me anymore despite our having relations allmost every night and just generally made me feel lousy about myself) and I am sure if she were to come back to me, not immediately, she would revert to her old ways again - and I can't go through all that again. Throughout the whole thing I have been very nice to her and have taken it all on the chin as I didn't want to argue with her or drive her further away, but I was eluding myself. She only wants to come home now as it suits her for the time being.
Thank you all very much again for your advice, it really does help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): If she knows she can get away with it once, she'll do it again. So, honestly mate, I would advise you to remove her from your life as she did not care about you enough to stop herself cheating in the first place. This is the way I see it as i've been in the same situation. The way to really get over someone is to meet someone new who you actually connect better with. This is easier said than done because your self confidence has taken a beating.
My advice for moving on and finding a new woman. Ever wondered why even the ugliest bloke in the world can get the most beautiful women? All humans are naturally attracted to people that are having fun. So concentrate on having fun and making other around you feel good as well. It may take time but if you try to be open to new people and not put to much pressure on yourself it will happen.
My screen name for this is helpme100 although i'm not logged in at the moment so if you want to talk further just email me.
Good luck mate
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A
female
reader, looneytune +, writes (25 July 2006):
Honey,
You are not married, you have no permanent ties (children, finances, etc.). I would not put myself in a position to where I could be hurt like that again. My view is once a cheater...always a cheater. Do yourself a favor...move on and get yourself someone who deserves your love.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Hey there, I think you are in a crappy situation, but at least you are not back together with this awful woman.
As much as you miss her, have you considered that your self-esteem and dignity has much greater value that the sloppy seconds that she has to offer?
I know how hard it is to get over someone that threw back the soul that you poured into her. But you are very damaged as evidenced by statements like "I ... doubt I will ever trust anyone else again..." This is serious damage indeed, and getting back together with this lying cheater will only delay your healing and further erode your self-worth.
What does it say about her character when she cheats on you by helping another man cheat on his wife? She too has damage to resolve and is looking to you for a rebound. When she has bounced back she will dump you like a piece of smelly dung. You are worth more than that.
Don't go looking for another romantic relationship right now. Instead, build a support system with friends who can help you discover the joy of being in a trusting relationship. Start by making connections with people who you feel are worthy of your friendship and trust. Over time you may discover that some of these friends are so special that they can be called kindred spirits.
In my lifetime (all 39 years of it) I have encountered only a few friends that I would consider kindred spirits. And I have many friends scattered throughout the world. I can imagine becoming romantically involved with any of these kindred spirits (well only the female ones), if circumstances were "right" and no boundaries existed.
You have some grieving to do as part of your healing process. If you have trusted friends (and therefore a support system), now is the time to lean on them. If you don't, start building that support system now. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Well thats one thing we agree on WHAT A MESS! I don't know how to approach this but to say that if you have those type of feelings its best to leave her be. Even if you do take her back this will always linger as you have yet to fully recover so you are not in a position to forgive her. People make mistakes and yes it hurts like hell but now she is on your time. You let her go and have her fling now she has to understand that you have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. She must now let you get thru your emotional roller coaster ride that she volunteered you for. Take time and sort out your feelings and if you want to go back to her or let her back remember whats done is done and don't keep throwing it in her face and if you don't let her back she has to understand that everyone lives with the consequences of their own decisions and she is not immune. Give it some thought and make a rational decision not one based on shear emotion. Thats feminine. Good Luck.
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