A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For the past two years or so, my girlfriends insecurity has got worse and worse. I am constantly told who I am looking at, who I find attractive and told I am flirting with everyone she believes I find attractive. I have put up with a lot. I now find she has registered on a dating site as single. I have asked her why. I got rocketed with reasons like "I know what it feels like now" "If I had been more understanding to her needs then it wouldnt have happened" and even said "I am projecting my own dishonesty on to her" I have never done anything wrong or even wanted to. I have not only been accused but now I have been punished for something what goes on in her mind only. Is there any use in trying? I asked her to seek help once, but was told I was trying to make her think she was mad. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): not only was she cheating but she also had the nerve to take it out on you. dont go back to her no matter what she tells you. she will not find anyone else as patient as you are, and when she realizez it, she will be back. tell her no.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): You need to end this relationship. Relationships are supposed to enrich your life. Does this relationship enrich your life??? Far from it!!! she's already claiming to be single so she's making it easy for you to break up with her. simply tell her that since she is telling everyone she's single you are going to go with that decision and act accordingly too.
It sounds to me like she needs some psychiatric counseling. until she gets professional help and it takes hold, there is no point in trying to have a relationship with her because she's incapable of one.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 December 2012):
Read what the first poster wrote. If you are still confused, re-read until you are not....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk hyt. Point taken. I have been home and decided to snoop on her emails. Yes Jeanette82 and the anonymous poster, it does appear her dating site has been going on for quite some time now. As it is, I have packed my clothes and will be at a friends house until I find a place of my own. I will not be contacting her again or accepting any calls from her. I have took a lot of grief and it is not going to happen again. Thank you for all of your advice.
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A
male
reader, hyt  +, writes (14 December 2012):
What she gets up to is beyond the defensible. Why you are still with her is also indefensible. No matter how much you love someone, there is still only so much you can take. Usually, people only hold on to people like her because they think they wont meet anyone else. People with anything about them will not accept that kind of treatment. Just think about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): there is nothing going on in her head, except not getting caught. she has got away with it for two years now. is it what you really want?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): You asked her to get help and she refused. Just like she has refused to behave and conduct herself like any normal human being. What you have recieved is not normal, it is abuse. Leave her to her own devices and find a better world. She is not as complicated as she seems. She is just an average cheater who will not accept responsibility. She belongs on dating sites because no one who knows her will want her, except you. Sorry, but it is probably true.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Nothing for her to defend. She's a cheat that cannot take the heat. Could it be the anonymous female is the person this is about? Or is it because some females cannot accept that males are not always at fault? Your girlfriend is either disturbed (good point made from fatherly advice) or she is simply a cheat who doesnt handle the stress of it very well. Personaly, I wouldnt be a martyr. Pack your bags.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous female. No other side of the coin on this site is able to defend her/his self. There is nothing different about this one. If something written on here has touched a raw nerve, then I am sorry about that. I could have also wrote lots more. Unfortunately, answers to her behavior have been impossible to get from her. Why do you think I am asking on here? Although, I find it a little embarrassing how I told myself that it`s just her way and things will work out in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): The girl in question is not here to defend herself.Every coin has two sides.There is always an other side to the story.All of us are hearing one side of the story and thrashing the girl left,right and center.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 December 2012):
 17 answers the first day, wow. As you can see this is not that unusual of a situation.
After reading everything I found something missing that might be worth your consideration. Aside from projection, this jealous, mistrusting behavior is common among formerly abused persons. That is where I have seen the most extreme examples.
Also, revenge cheating is pretty common even though it really makes no sense at all.
Having said all of that, I still side with the advice you have been given. Relationships are made up of Trust and Communication. Yours has neither. There is no reason not to end a relationship that is already dead.
FA
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Yes, I've heard of people dong this. I believe it's called a honey trap.
Whether she was merely there trying to catch you or seeking out mn herself, the bottom line remains the same. She is a malignant personality. She's controlling, manipulative and abusive.
You have enough information to make a decision. You don't need to give her more rope to hang herself.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Yeah there's something wrong with her. She has some need to make you out to be the bad guy no matter what she does wrong. I said she is crazy because I think she actually convinces herself of these things. It isn't your fault, she chose to go on the site, she was caught and is now trying to spin it anyway she can. Why are you still putting up with this? She's insecure, psycho, and a liar. Amongst other things I'm sure. No matter what comes out of her mouth the last 2 years of her shit should be enough for you to know it'll never get better.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 December 2012):
 It's not really bizarre at all, she's simply a cheater who doesn't cope well with being called out. Just leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): i'd bet anything that she has been doing that online dating at the same time she was accusing you. it is a dead cert.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Since writing on here myself, It surprises me how common it is getting to use online dating sites as a way of cheating. What seems by some as an easier way of cheating, is in fact a far easier way of getting caught. I do not for a moment believe she has only just gone on that site. This will have been the reason behind her allegations, and what seemed like insecurity. In my honest opinion, her behavior was her means of distracting you. These people who use online dating rarely just do it once. They are doing online dating most of their life. They are like gambling addicts. I heard every lie and excuse in the book. Most of the lies I have read from other people on here. Leave her to her online life. Believe me, the online dating is behind it. I lived through it. zero contact is the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Just to keep this up to date. I have received a text and her story has changed. She now states she was only on a dating site to find me because she "knows" I go on them. She has seen a profile and says she knows it is me. It gets more bizarre by the day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): I once knew someone very similar to her. If you think things may calm and get better, then you are wrong. Nothing ever gets better, no matter what you do, do not do, or say. Do not bury your head in the sand. What you are seeing you will get.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I was in your shoes, once.... with a girl whose behaviour was just as you've stated....
I tried to endure it, to compromise, to explain myself, to discourage her jealousy and encourage her worth-to-me.... all for naught. So, after about 18 months, I gave up... and she and I went our separate ways...
It's a bit of irony that, once we separated, we became - and remain - pretty good friends....
Good luck for you.....
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (13 December 2012):
Is she really insecure or just very clever? I think she may have known what she was doing all along. She is manipulating you. Leave her as soon as possible. It will not get better.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 December 2012):
Is there any point in trying? You've already tried, several times. It doesn't appear to have worked so no, I don't think there is a point in trying again.Something you must understand about these 'trust issues' is they are simply a means of trying to control others through guilt, fear and/or shame. People who claim to have them in fact DO trust others, or in this case you, a great deal. Your girlfriend trusts you to stick around and love her no matter how outlandish her accusations or behaviour. She trusts you to tolerate her own attempts to cheat because, as a self professed victim, she wants you to think she is owed special accomodation to do as she pleases. Which is what she wanted from the beginning.She does not add anything to the quality of your life, nor I suspect to the lives of anyone around her. And she can't because she is purely focussed on herself and the possibility that SHE might be hurt. She acually takes away from the quality of life. The fact that loving someone is just as risky for you as it is for her hasn't entered her mind. To people like her courtesy and compassion are a means to exploit others so you have to be very brief, direct, brutally honest and completely unapologetic. Tell her you've had enough of her abuse and her chating and it's over. And if she does anything to cause you further grief she will sorely regret it. Do not explain what that means as you don't want to commit yourself to a particular course of action prematurely. And if you are calm and sound serious about it the not knowing will unsettle her. It goes without saying you don't imply anything illegal. Please do not feel sorry for her. She deserves absolutely no sympathy. She's a malignant self absorbed person who has endless resources at her disposal to deal effectively with her unhappiness but chose to make your life hell instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): You may of only just crossed paths with her dating site now. It does not mean that she has not been doing it for a long time. Dating sites are rarely used as a one off. Most that use them are on them all through their life. You have took enough abuse already. She will probablx get worse, not better. Get out and stay out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Sorry I don't see her changing anytime soon. She might have fears that YOU could/would cheat and thus project her worst fears onto you, but all she is really doing is pushing you FAR FAR away.
If she FIRMLY believe that you can't be trusted, there is not point in staying is there? It will only go down hill from here.
The fact that she is punishing you for things you have never done or thought about doing but that she FEAR you could/might/perhaps do is RIDICULOUS! You can't live life that way.
Sorry, I would end it.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 December 2012):
"I am projecting my own dishonesty on to her"
Other way around dude! Lucky for you, she doesn't deal well with being put on the spot and you know her true colors. It's classic cheating behavior for the cheater to accuse the other of constantly engaging in the same behavior.
She doesn't sound "crazy" she just sounds like someone who struggles with monogamy and the guilt makes her behave irrationally.
Time to leave and find someone who has less of an issue with monogamy.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (13 December 2012):
There is no use in trying. She obviously has some serious mental issues she needs help with and if she refuses then there is nothing else you can do. Using dating sites and cheating is no one's fault but her own, yet even before then she accused you of everything under the sun. I don't mean to offend but she sounds almost insane. You were a saint to put up with it this long but to the point of cheating then blaming you for her actions, it's time to run away.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 throw your hands in the air, and then walk. Life was not meant to be that difficult, she is unlikely to change anytime soon, think very carefully about who she is and what she says and what she does. Work out what it was in you that found this attractive in the first place so that yoy know what to avoid in the future.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (13 December 2012):
 She's bonkers. Leave her.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I am sorry to tell you this but your girlfriend is a piss taker. Her insecurity is a product of her own dishonesty and her assuming that everyone is capable of doing what she does. You surely are going to dump her, right? I cannot see much changing if you dont.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): You are not being punished for what goes on in her mind. You are being punished for your bad choice of girlfriend. She is advertising herself as single. Make it that way. You will be better off without her. She is far too demanding for anyone to tolerate, and that`s before mentioning her being a manipulating, lying, deceitful cheat. She is a full on waste of your time.
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