A
female
age
,
*imbow
writes:I got in contact with my first love again last year and we both confessed to each other that both our marriage's was over and that we still loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. The his partner found out about us and stop every form of contact. I have left my husband but he is still with his wife who continues to phone me and give me grief telling me that he wants no more to do with me. But he as not told me this his self he has only said that he as major problems at the moment. I can't get him out of my head and have loved him all the time I have been marry to my husband. And I know he loves me to by all the texts he send me and the things he said but I know he is scared of his wife and as been threaten by my husband. Now I have moved away and live on my own do you think there will be any future for us and how can I go about getting him back even If I have to share him I have moved near to where he lives to make it easier for him. I don't think I could live without him anymore I get butterflies every time I think of him. And he said he felt the same you just can't stop loving someone just like that. She says she don't want him and that I can have him but won't let us have any contact. My husband dosen't want me but but is stopping him from seeing me. Please help I feel so unhappy when a couple months ago I was the happiest person a going and thought my life was going to get better.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Calm down Kimbow, breathe. You sound suffocated and it doesnt take a genius to figure out why.
Try seeing it this way, when you want to resort a problem, where do you think is the most effective place to start? At the very core and root of the problem isnt it? Well, in your case, the root of the problem lies with the fact that you are not strong enough/not willing to finish this relationship off with a clean, one off cut. And till the day you actually do this, you will find it hard to have a fresh start and be happy again with your life and yourself. Although I still understand that it isnt the easiest thing to do when someone you dearly love reappears in your life the second time, I feel if it causes you more harm/damage, then you should do something proactive about it to get yourself out of this rut. You are right, its not going to be easy, and you are right, you will still have feelings for him (perhaps forever), but you're not in a healthy situation and you know deep down you should be forcing yourself to cut him off for good.
I suggest focusing more time in restoring your relationship with your children, spending more quality time with them. That in my opinion kills two birds with one stone. You get to show your children that you are trying hard to reestablish the bond again (and Im sure they will be understanding to your feelings), and second, you get to get your mind off this guy, even if temporarily. Keep telling yourself that he is not good for you, and I mean keep reminding yourself everyday. This repetition helps in terms of drumming it in your head that he is not the right one for you, even if you strongly believe it now!
You have to get out and about, do something, meet up with old friends, get new ones, but whatever you do, dont allow yourself to sit around the house and think about him. Also, I wish to advice against meeting new guys for a possible date just yet. You arent ready to that, not at this moment. You have to allow yourself to heal from within, you'll know when you're ready, when you meet the right guy and you feel you want to give him a go. The reason you arent reacting to other guys now and the fact that you keep thinking about him when you're out with these other blokes is the simple fact that you have not healed! Friends and family are most important at times like these, and I really suggest you try your best to mend the seemingly broken ties you have with them. This will actually be the best time to do it as well as you will have time to be by yourself. Never feel like you havent got anyone to love and care for you. Think of it this way, I am someone whom you havent met and I do care for you and your situation, let alone people whom you actually know and will meet!! And dont worry about being lonely and frightened, I will to the best of my ability help you get through this rough patch. And you best believe it will happen!!
A
female
reader, kimbow +, writes (20 July 2007):
kimbow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you are saying but I have known this guy for 25years and know he as always been controlled by women. His father died when he was very young so was brought up by his mother and older sister who seemed to controll his life completly he was scared to stand up for his rights then that what torn us apart in the first place. But after we split I was treated like one of the family by his mother and sister. I think that is why he married a controlling women like his wife. I have tried to get on with my life and looked at dating other men but all I keep seeing his this guy face in front of me and then I back off. I have always been faithfully to my unfaithful and bullying husband for the 24years I was married and the only person who could have made fail this whould have been this guy. Has for the document it not a life and death document but if his wife gets her hands on it, it will cause real problems especially if my Husband gets hold of it. At present I am being stalked by this guys wife and my friend told him to which he replied I should go to the police and that it bother him if I reported his wife. I can't see this making things better only worse. At present my head is all messed up and I don't know what to do all I keep thinking that fate brought us together for the second time and I don't want to mess things up and lose him for good. I already feel I have lost everything not only due to this guy because my married would have been over anyway and I would have left him but my children are hardly talking to me I have no family to turn to. Please help and give me some advise. I know what your saying is true but I just don't seem to be able to break free I just want some happiness
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (19 July 2007):
Hi Kimbow,
Do bear in mind that it will not be easy at all to break free from this guy, but you have to do it. Like you said, you cannot carry on like this. Its totally not fair on your part when he gets his his wife and you at the same time!! He has to choose one, and he already made his decision when he's still with his wife. It doesnt matter what sort of explanation he has been feeding you or your friends, truth of the matter is, he hasnt left his wife for you and you are not going to sit around to find out if he will!
I dont personally know this guy, and perhaps I shouldnt pass judement on him, but it doesnt take a genius to figure out that he wants the best of both worlds, both you and his wife, and you know deep down it will never work that way, not for you at least!
As for the document you asked him to hold on for safe keeping, its obvious he's just saying that he doesnt have it anymore because he wants to keep you running back to him. Its a poor and childish excuse for him to make you not completely cut contact with him! That alone should make you realise that he's quite a manipulating person. He should be fair on you to let you move on with your life without him in it. My suggestion on this matter is, if the document isn't a life and death one, then perhaps it'd be a good idea to just let him have it (or so its lost he says!). If however it is a very important document to you (say your passport, etc), then give him an ultimatum that he should playing his games and give it back to you. If he still insists that you cant have it back because it went missing, then Im afraid theres nothing much you can do about it (just learn from it that you can never trust him again). Maybe just accepting that he 'really' did misplace it would help you.
Kimbow, no, I dont think writing him the letter will be a good idea. But whatever choices you make in life are entirely up to you, Im only here to offer my opinions and advices. You see, if you write him, its telling him that you're still loved up with him and is expecting things to work out between the both of you, which is exactly what you dont want to be doing. You want to be sending off a vibe that shouts, Im moving on, with or without you, and Im cutting all ties with you, whether or not you have my important document with you. Let me just say this, the moment he senses you still have feelings for you, he's going to continue stringing you along for as long as he can! I mean think about it, why wouldnt he, he's getting female attention left, right and centre. Do the right thing, for yourself!
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female
reader, kimbow +, writes (18 July 2007):
kimbow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for advise and I have took it in and are trying to get on with my life with everything else that is going on around me. At present it seems everything I do is going wrong. I feel like i'm losing everything. This man I love as spoken to one of my friends saying that he can't take the heartachne any more but can't face me in person to tell me. He don't want to end it but the problems he getting from his Wife and my husband and his own personal problems he can't continue the relationship. I spoke to him on the phone and asked for the important piece of paper work he was holding for me for safe-keeping to be returned to me so that I could break all the ties I have with him a get on with my life. To which he made the excuse that He didn't know where he put it and he would have to look for it. This I know is a lie because a few months ago I spoke to him about it and was worried that his wife would get hold of it to which he informed me that it was safe and that she would not get it. Is this man messing with my head or is it that he just don't want to really let me go. my friend told him that if thing were getting to much he should leave his wife to which he informed her that it was not that easy. I still love him and I will always love him but I can't carry on like this I thought about writing him a letter to tell him how I feel. Do you think this is wise. Look forward to your advise.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (14 June 2007):
Kimbow,
Believe you me, you are doing the right thing in moving on and not putting your life on hold. Time waits for no man/woman and you can't possibly wait around for him to come to his senses, and neither should he expect you to do so.
The love is strong and you both feel it, and that is very likely. But that however, is not the the problem here, the problem here is that he still hasn't left his wife yet, and in that alone, you shouldnt sit around any longer to see when he will finally up and leave. I guess what Im trying to say is, if he doesnt do it now, when then? And neither you nor I have the time and energy to find out when. Love is love, but when it starts to cause more hurt than happiness, someone has to let go regardless. Do let me know how things pan out for yourself. I hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, kimbow +, writes (14 June 2007):
kimbow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Don't Lie
Thank you for answering my question I understand what you are saying and I am trying to get on with my life and as normal and not put it on hold. But the feelings I feel for this man just keep getting stronger and I know deep down that he really loves me. We have always had feelings for each other and when we see each other I can feel the tension in the room. I know that if I see him again we will start up our relationship again. I think his wife knows this as well that why she is making sure we don't have any contact. I just hope that once he knows I am living in the area he will make contach with me. I know he is the one.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (12 June 2007):
Things will only get more complicated if you do not stop putting yourself in a vulnerable position. I understand its extremely hard to let go of someone you think of dearly and as a soulmate, but sometimes, loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be with him. The pain and grief he's causing you right now is a lot, but you seem to take it well, but how long can you keep this up? There's only so much a person can take.
Ok, he might still be with his wife because he's afraid of her, but to be honest, I think thats just a very convenient excuse to wiggle out of a relationship with you. He probably wants both his wife and yourself as a sideline, but are you sure you're ready to subject yourself to such terms? You should never ever settle for second best as you deserve better. Or, he could probably really be in love with you and just is too afraid to let go of what he has with his wife now, plus the threatening of your husband. But whatever the reason, its still reason enough to not get entangled in this web. Believe you me, its going to be real messy, and by the time you realise you've waited all this while only to find out nothing was going to happen eventually, it will already be too late, as time and effort are already wasted. I would suggest you take some time to reflect on what you truly desire, to wait around for someone whom you can't be sure or not whether he'll ever be with you, or to move on with your life with/without him and hopefully meet another special person. First option you're very likely to go through heartaches and problems, second ones much more calmer, with no drama. Your choice. Good luck.
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