A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf have been together for 4 years.... he was happy with me and we planned on growing old together. We always talked about our wedding and how we would live our lives... this was within a few weeks ago... but a week ago... he decided we needed a break. I need to learn how to be happy on my own, without him there all the time. and i really was only happy when i was with him. he wants me to learn to not be that way anymore. also, he didnt want to admit this.... but he feels like he is uncomfortable knowing that he may live his whole life knowing he has only had sex with 2 people. i dont know if he is just having doubts because we were so sure of each other at such a young age (we are 23 now) or if he is just now thinking to himself, "i am going to have sex with this person and only this person for the rest of my life" and he doesnt want to risk getting married and realizing we werent meant to be and getting a divorce then. we get along perfectly and our sex is perfect too. i just dont know what to think, or what to expect. he also says that he isnt in love with me right now.... I dont know if that is just because all the things he is thinking about... me getting better at being independent and the whole being with other people thing. is this normal? i dont know what to think
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male
reader, newambition +, writes (15 December 2008):
Wow, I can't believe I'm the first to comment on this. I happen to be a guy kind of like your boyfriend. I haven't said anything yet to my girl, but am starting to feel the need.In reading what you wrote it sounds a lot like my relationship. She is very needy and while that sometimes makes me feel like a hero it also wracks me with guilt because if I don't want to be with her forever and ever, that the longer the relationship continues the more she will suffer if it ends. This may not apply to you at all so please take no offense. Maybe you could tell us a bit more about what you're like to be with? =)As for my situation: I'm at a crossroads. I've lived with her for years and we truly love each other, done the couples therapy, and resolved most everything. But, she can't have kids for a medical reason, and she doesn't want them besides. I haven't had any sort of relationship where the idea of children entered the picture, except to say they weren't welcome. As it happens, she was an unexpected, unwanted child herself and there are issues that go with that.Now this really isn't a problem if I don't want a family. If I do, though, it's a showstopper. I want to make the best decision so as to not feel any resentment for being 'trapped' in a lifelong commitment which is the logical evolution of any successful LTR. So, I need to spend some time with at least one compatible woman who is family oriented. Then I will know which path I want to take and will settle down happily, either way it goes.Another thing is that we have already given each other permission to date others as long as it is discreet, i.e. if one of us needs a little taste of variety, it's OK as long as the other doesn't know. I feel more strongly about this than she does, but she still reserved the right and is accepting. She loves me completely and has often said she just might die if I ever left her. And I do really and truly love her. The sex is awesome and she's a great person. But I don't think I can or should automatically sacrifice my biological purpose because she happens to be unable and unwilling to go there. On the other hand, I might also decide I don't want kids either. Which would make her 'The One' since we have so much history and most women really do want children! I'm in my mid 30s and don't want to start all over again just to find someone like the woman I already have.I've been thinking about this a LOT. So, I was glad to find this article from some place called the Relationship Institute, which explains the phases of committed relationships:http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153The article says that major re-evaluation of the relationship is natural in the late stages prior to a truly lifelong commitment:'[If the] primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, [the] inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day. A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship. The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.'To solve the problem on my side, what I want to suggest is a 1-year break, or possible opening of the relationship, where it's OK to see other people more openly and make sure we really want to spend the rest of our lives together. A date is put on the calendar 365 days in the future. On that date we meet and if I want the path of no children I will propose marriage.I wonder if this would work for you or anyone else here? If you'll forgive my mixing metaphors, can you appreciate that before 'going all the way' some of us may need to 'measure twice and cut once'? I'm so up for this thread.
A
female
reader, seniorgirl08 +, writes (15 December 2008):
 Well sweetie. It sounds to me like this guy is VERY unsure.Usually when it's right you just KNOW! No doubts, just feeling.4 Years you say? That is a little odd to me only because if he is all the sudden saying this...It must mean one of two things...he is just wanting to give you hope that you both will get back together, and have full intentions of just the opposite. OR he is going through a temporary stage of wanting to explore his options while he is still young.Both involves TIME in order to know for sure.I am trying not to be negative about it, but I have been in SEVERAL serious relationships where things were great. And I believe that they were forever. It took one guy cheating on me after 2 years for me to realize I was wrong, and then another to be so wonderful until our 8 months hit, and when I moved in with him, he beat on me for a good two months before I actually got courage to leave him.So you can never underestimate someone, but believing and having faith just helps you cope better.Trust me, I am living proof.Good luck.(Basically the best you can do, is get yourself together as an individual, enjoy your youth but don't ignore him either, and be that independent woman.)I never knew how to stand on my own to feet.I always depended on "him". I had to learn the hard way a few times, that knowing I am strong and being able to stand on my own only changed me for the better. Now I am in a rather wonderful relationship with a great Man, and we are getting married in 3 months.So miracles do happen. I would have never in a million years thought that the man I am in love with now was IT!So life will throw curve balls.Just be ready, and be calm.GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!
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