A
female
age
36-40,
*alinestained
writes:I am totally confused and have never had to deal with anything like this. The story is sort of long but let me break it down for you. I met X, a younger guy, through a friend. I was going through a break up and while X was never someone I would be serious about, I thought it would be fun to date him for a bit. We started dating and it became very clear that he was way more serious about me than I was about him and so I decided to break it off romatically but we agreed to stay friends. The complication comes in the form of Y, X's best male friend. When Y and I met it was instantly clear that we had feelings for each other. We talked constantly online and met up for lunch every chance we could. After I broke up with X we started dating but kept it a secret so as not to hurt X. But X found out and lost it! He went so far as to contact Y's family and make me into some sort of awful person. Long story - Less long we continued dating but kept it very personal. I spent 2 nights a week at Y's house but he often came to see me for lunch and we enjoyed being together. Here is the real problem... On January 15th X and I got into an argument where he brought up the fact that I was friends with someone who has on previous occasions "used me" and not been a positive influence. I told X I would rather be used by them than have X break up with me again like he did when things first got complicated. He hung up and has since blocked me online, stopped returning my phone calls, and refuses to acknowledge that I exist. I tried getting over him, I tried moving on, I have tried everything and am at my wits end. Someone tell me how to get closure or move on when all I think about sometimes is him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 March 2011):
 it really hurts to lose someone over an issue that could be discussed. But when someone we care about presses our buttons, then the feeling of betrayal is five times worse.
Clearly the first guy really seriously liked you. And he was heartbroken and felt doubly betrayed that you did not feel as enamoured of him as he felt towards
you.
But you then took up with his best friend. And behind the first guy's back. His best friend, a guy he would have expected would be loyal to him. And you liked his best friend more than guy one.
So from then the first guy would have felt entirely betrayed by all, but especially you.
Now guy two. He damaged a friendship to be with you. Two best friends usually do not keep secrets from each other. And he recognised a powerful attraction between the two of you. And you felt the attraction to. Everything in the garden appeared lovely. Except the need to keep it secret.
Then it all unravelled when guy one found out. But when guy one chose to phone your family and tried character assassinating you - that was horrible.
Now you are faced with being ostracised by the guy. You still want contact and interaction with him. He will not even listen to your, nor will he respond to you in any way. You must feel shattered.
Directly trying to get him to change his mind will not work.
He feels affronted and too hurt right now.
His hurt may lessen over time, more quickly if you act respectfilly towards him at all times.
It is amazing how time can heal.
But in the meantime you need to allow the dust to settle. Don't approach him.
I realise you want things to heal, and soon.
While you await him to forgive, please
don't do anything that will draw attention to you. That will only allow him to allow him to justify why he and you had a falling out.
If all goes well he will start to see how socially immature it is to just cut you out of his contacts. one day he will soften his attitude. And he will talk. But you will probably be want to take it slowly.
Look your best every time you leave home. You never know when you might meet by accident.
Don't bad mouth him behind his back - it will get back to him.
Try not to call attention to yourself - he will see that and it will justtify his decision to himself.
While you are waiting for him to come to his senses try starting a tiny little blank book, where you randomly jot down your thoughts, when you think about him in a POSITIVE way, write down that thought. Because one day, when he relents, and comes back into your life, you can show him how many times you had a positive thought about some aspect of some issue that relates to him.
An active approach, to convince him to forgive and come back, is way too confronting
A more patient approach, where you give him time, and show respect towards him and his decision. And perhaps your positive journal too may help thaw the hurt too?
Best of luck and regards
Abella
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