A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm new around here and could do with a bit of advice, sorry for the novel. I have two young children with my husband of 7 years, he is a builder an works quite closely with his customers in his home, which normaly I dont have a problem with. Things havent been great since the birth of my youngest, but we carried on and got by, I am not a jealous person and pretty much allow him a free reign. Due to money worries etc I decided to move the family out to enable him to complete the house we are living in and then sell it, to pay off the renovation debts. Anyway going back to last year he started work at this womans house (divorcee, sucessful and is often home based, her hubbie had an affair and she has two teen kids. she is also slightly older than him where as I am 14 years his junior), a refferal from her brother. She was conned by the guy who did her plans and my galant hubby stepped in and sorted all of the probs out for her. From that point on there has been a catalogue of incidents that have led me to get to the S*** situation I am in! It isn't unusual that he will stay at customers houses until late evening but he did this on christmas eve. I had the kids in bed and had to get their prezzies from my mums, he had barred mum from the house and so she couldnt bring them up to me. 15 phone calls later he answered my call and said he would be back soon. 11.30 he arrived and I was less than happy, but I let it go, to a degree. A few weeks after he took her to a trade warehouse after work, and left his phone at home, convenient. When it got to midnight I rang her off his phone and asked very politely if he was still with her as I was worried. She said "no he left about 20 mins ago, why is there a problem?" to which I replied jokingly, "no but there may be when I have changed the locks on him, so he may be back at yours shortly". He got back 30 mins later (she lives 15 mins away) with the excuse that he had been pulled by the police, but with no producer. I let it go again and i even told him to ring her and let her know he was alright - am I a dumb ass or what???? Just as we were due to move to this rented house, he told me that she had made advances towards him, telling him that they could be more than just business partners. I laughed it off at the time and he said I should be angry and I when I had time to think I thought no S*** you're right I should be but I am not. I decided to put distance between us, as looking at the whole relationship he had really let us all down completely in the past. He accused me of having an affair and then after I blew up at him and told him why I wanted to separate, he took it on the chin and made some good changes. We decided to go to relate and work on the relationship. However since then I have found emails sent from him to her while she was working away saying how they miss each other blah blah xxxxx and the other day I found a letter stuffed in an odd sock from her proffessing her undying love and how he is her soul mate. I have confronted him with everything and he said that he needs to keep on the right side of her as she still owes him money. The sock letter was from ages ago and he didn't hide it as he new I had access to his sock draw, but he still didn't tell me. He still has to finish some work at hers and I told him to write the money off if he gave a S*** about me, he hasn't and I understand why, money doesn't grow on trees. Last night I checked his phone and while there were no in or out box texts to her there was a delivery receipt saying that he was going to pick her son up this morning for work. He said he didn't tell me as he knew I would go mad, but I am more mad that he tried to deceive me. He broke his phone in temper so I cant check any more and said if I didn't stop this S*** he would kick me out of the house. Don't know what to do. Have thought about confronting her so I can get the other side of the story, but there is nothing she could say that wouldn't wind me up. I'm also scared of getting angry, I am really laid back normally, but if I lose it I lose it. She still owes him money and he is now working for her brothers friend and I don't really wanna eff that up either. I have nothing concrete but there seems to be a little more going on than meets the eye. Please help!!!
View related questions:
affair, christmas, debt, jealous, money, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2009):
I think this relationship is more than just a work thing now. Sit him down and ask him exactly what is happening. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, then you need to consider whether you want to be with a man who you can no longer trust and certainly appears to be having an affair.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I'm inclined to agree that your instincts are right.
Speaking for myself, if the only way my husband could support his family is to have him work for a woman who obviously has feelings for him and behaves inappropriately, I would find that unacceptable. In the beginning of her advances (if his version of events were true) there are many diplomatic ways he could have detached himself from a situation where she felt free to send love letters, and stay employed. His acceptance of a job with her brother is also inappropriate.
Picking up her son is not likely part of the job description, and if he is unable to separate his job responsibilities and favours to her, then it might explain in part why finances are so tight. One is supposed to cut services off until monies outstanding are paid. They do not continue to work in hopes of getting paid, eventually. This is why, for those who do not pay their electrical or phone bills, there service is cut off until they bring their accounts up to date.
The best defence is a good offense (from his perspective). He knows he is doing something wrong (whether it is an affair or not appropriately dealing with her advances - I am inclined to believe it is the former and NOT the latter). To get you "off his back", he is making threats and destroying his phone (rather convenient, no?).
Why not go ahead with the separation?
Apparently “keeping her happy” and pimping himself out for favours and inappropriate love letters and advances to earn a buck is more important than the emotional well-being of your relationship, and personally, I would be inclined to kick him out of my life.
He doesn’t need to confess to doing wrong. You know that he knows. That’s all that matters.
If he doesn’t want you to go, I would settle for nothing short of NO MORE communication with this woman. He would have to do it openly, so you could see that it has been done. Any further contact with him should be through you or at least transparent enough for you to see it. Even one suspicion that he is being anything less than fully open and honest and you’re done.
But that is what I would do. You have your own thinking to do. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): if your instincts are telling you something is up, then you are usually on the right track, and there not going to give up until you find out for sure.
if you do not wish to talk to this woman, and your husband is is uncooperative in discussing it then you can either, let it go and pretend everything is ok, or do some digging of your own.
sound to me like they are a bit to close for work related matters.
...............................
|
