A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'm feeling very confused right now. My boyfriend of nine months broke it off a little over a week ago. I knew he'd been having a few doubts after attending some of his friends' weddings, but we had decided to talk things over and try to work it out. ANyway, one night we had a nice dinner, talked, and then had a very passionate night in which I felt very close to him. I thought everything was going great even into the next day, but suddenly (I mean out of the blue. We were even going to take a shower together right before) he tells me that he wants to end it. He's been really stressed out lately (he just lost his job, is moving, and is having trouble setting up a rewarding social community here), and part of me thinks that maybe he's just overwhelmed (may be wishful thinking... I don't know). I just feel thrown off guard. I really love this man and I want him back deeply.The main problem though is that he wants to be friends and I told him that I can't do it right now because I'm in love with him. He keeps contacting me to talk and he wanted to see me today "to say Hi for 5 min."... I'm so confused. I want to talk to him and see him, but I know it will only make me want him back more. Do you guys think there's any hope for us based on the way he's acting? He says he still loves me as well, and I'm not sure exactly why he left though I think he wants to get married to someone and doesn't think it'd work between (the problem with that is that the reasons he gives me for it not working aren't true about me... and I've given him plenty of proof that they are not. He constantly contradicts himself about these things and what he wants as well). Any advice on how I should act? It's incredibly hard for me to cut off contact though I've managed to let him make all the first moves. Any idea of what all of this mean (esp. from men who maybe understand his brain better than I do)? Or ways I might be able to persuade him to come back? We've broken up and gotten back together again. Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 June 2008):
 It is no harm to meet him for one more time
but you should not expect too high from this meeting.
Go there , meet him , act and talk normally and then part amicably as friends.
Don't dig up the past but to move on , to each his/her own ways.
Wish him all the best.
A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I guess it's up to you if you really want to meet up "one last time." I think you probably know, deep down, what's going to happen. It's possible that this could give you some kind of closure, or it's possible that you'll just end up repeating the things that upset you so much in the first place.
I think most people would tell you that this prolonged process of breaking up is just making things worse. But you obviously have really strong feelings for him, and if there are some questions that you really need to have answered, I think you deserve to ask.
Another personal example, the last guy I dated (a few months ago) I felt the same way that you did. There was AMAZING chemistry, and I honestly thought we'd get married someday. Then we went through a bit of a rough patch, and I went over to his house to find him with another girl. It was the most heartbreaking, sickening moment of my life. The 'sensible' thing to do would probably have been to never speak to him again, but if I walked away right then, it would have haunted me forever. Instead, we sat down and talked for hours. I didn't take him back, but it really helped the healing process to have some answers, and to be able to explain my own feelings and points of view.
So it's not totally wrong to think that this meeting could help you. But only you can really make that judgement call.
Whatever you decided to do, please let us know how it goes...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your thoughtful responses. Leaving him space, was my initial thought as well. It's just incredibly difficult since I feel so attached to him still. I know there were a lot of problems, but I also know that we had some amazing chemistry (people thought we were married when we went out together), and we had such good times. I don't want to lose him, but I don't think I can keep him either. If anyone reads this after this point, do you think I should go and meet with him for a last talk and see what can be done/say a final goodbye? Or would that only make things worse? He really wants to see me (as a friend, I presume). Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty +, writes (9 June 2008):
I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but I honestly think you ought to cut contact. I've been through the same thing so I do understand how you're feeling now. But you can always see the "Big Picture" more clearly when you look at it from a far. When things like this happen, our negative emotions tend to over power our ability to look at things realisticly. After taking a break from eachother, you both might decide that this whole thing was silly and you want to be together, or you might realize that it should have ended long ago. You just need to give it time. (which I know is easier said then done, but have faith)
About little over a year ago, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me out of the blue saying he didn't love me anymore. I was beyond heart broken, and spent nearly 2 weeks crying, thinking I'd never find anyone else ever again. But as time went on... I realized that it was a bad relationship, and I really didn't need him as much as I thought I did.
You might consider laying it out to him like "Look, I think we both need to sort our feelings out, so let's just give eachother some space and not talk for x amount of time, then we can discuss things" You could agree on a date, like in a month or so, when you can meet and lay out your conclusions to eachother, and go from there.
In the mean time, it's important to surround yourself with positive things. If you're anything like me, you're not going to have the motivation to do ANYTHING, but try and force yourself to spend as much time as possible with friends and/or family. They help keep your spirits up while you work through.
I wish you all the best...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 June 2008):
It is like flying a kite.
When there is a strong head wind,
the kite is forced to fly higher and pulling the string taut.
You will need to release some more strings or the tautness may force the string to break.
Give him some slack and see if he will come back to you when you reel in those strings.
If he does not come back , then you need to set him free.
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