A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not quite sure what to do here. My fiance of 3 months (dated a total of 2 years 5 months.. lived together for a year and a half) and I got into a big blowout over how I "never listen" and take friends opinions more seriously and how I "lie" about everything to her.Basically this started tonight all of a sudden after 3 days of taking care of her while she gets over the flu and waiting on her hand and foot quite literally. I haven't left the apartment since Wednesday afternoon except to get things from the grocery store to to do laundry and fold it all. I'm fairly involved with music and the local music scene where I'm from and I decided the community needed a space to cultivate bands - a practice space totally DIY. Admittedly this came on because my band needed a space that was affordable, so after finding a place and coming up with a plan to run it and pay for it, we opened it up. The space was also large enough to host DIY punk shows. At the beginning my fiance suggested looking into getting insurance or event permits and some other people suggested checking with the fire marshall because nobody wanted the space to get shut down, especially not me. I did look into it and thought it was a good idea. After discussing it with the other main people we came to an agreement to play it by ear the 1st few times we did a show, mainly because lack of funding for such things and the fact that no DIY venue had been shut down in my area because police shut down the show - they only shutdown because people could not maintain them, or spaces renting out, like churches didn't want punk and hardcore kids wrecking their property. The first show went down about 2 months ago without a hitch. Now there have been a few shows scheduled to happen and I get a text tonight from my friend who is one of the directors saying some bands renting the space expressing concern about local police monitoring the internet now for stuff like this, so I agreed with him and said we probably shouldn't do shows anymore. Right when this happened my fiance came into the room and I explained to her what happened. She immediately began yelling at me and demanding to know why what my friend said was more important than what she said months prior - even though she never said "don't throw shows there." She just said you should get permits/insurance because of liability issues. Which was a great point and like I said before I had looked into that but it wasn't something we could afford at the time and we had only done one show so far and it was successful. She then started saying I lied to her because she assumed I didn't bring it up in the beginning meetings about the space, which I did like I said, but perhaps I should have put my foot down. At the time I wasn't aware of online police patrolling of local music scene kids for dangerous activities like stage diving or moshing, which is an issue in some venues. And apparently police and the town the space is in are very strict. So as we were just about to go to bed she started bawling and screaming at me more about this about how I'm a liar and never take anything she says seriously. When we fight I usually shut down and get unemotional - defense mechanism I guess. The lying thing stems back to 2 new years ago where an anonymous person went behind my back and revealed to her a fling I had with some girl several years before I even started dating my fiance and I never told her "yes" when she asked me if there was anyone I wasn't telling her about. There were some other white lies too that didn't matter about anything in particular, but she keeps some kind of a score card and brings them all out against me when we fight. The fighting ended up in her taking her engagement ring and chucking it across the bedroom, threatening to leave/breakup or whatever, which happens every time we fight with no follow-thru except leaving for an hour or two, though she's never chucked the ring. So I decided to call her bluff and told her to leave because I think she's being completely unreasonable and wouldn't let me have a word without screaming, "Stop interrupting you're not listening to me!" Maybe it's because she's been sick, but I believe it would have happened the same way had she not been sick, because it has happened like that before without her being sick.As far as I'm concerned the rehearsal space is my business not hers and though I appreciated her suggestions it doesn't affect her. The rent I pay is pocket change for the space per month.. we're talking $30. That's like lunch out. The space means a lot to the people renting it and it's a cheap place to store my music gear so it doesn't clutter up the apartment, so of course I don't want to get it shutdown, hence my mandating not having shows anymore. It it got shut down because of a noise violation (which music happens there 5 nights a week) so I can't see why it would if it hasn't happened yet, especially because there are cop patrols there almost everynight and its right down the street from the sheriffs department..Anyway, she'll be back I'm sure (at least hoping), but I'm not sure how to keep handling these situations without going insane. She makes me feel useless and incompetent and like a bad person, calls me a narcissist (while she's the one who takes hundreds of self pictures and condescends others and puts her opinion over others and will ravenously fight people about them), but I treat her well, do dishes twice a day, do laundry 75% of the time, always fold laundry, clean, cook, change the cats litter, clean up his accidents, take out the trash etc etc. So she has a pretty good setup living with me because of that, not to mention I pay for more than 75% of our expenses since I have a decent job with modest income. I don't feel like I deserve to be treated this way and I don't think anyone does.Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Ergh... well what we have here is a space station scenario.
Let me explain.
A space station is in orbit. You're in it and you're the captain. You're the one taking the risks. You're the one in the action. You're the one making the snap decisions that are best for the immediate situation.
NASA is on the ground. They're thinking logically and in the long term... but they're not there and they're not in the action, they only understand the gravity of the situation after much mulling over and are not necessarily making the most practical or realistic decision for the immediate situation.
Who is right? Both and nobody really... they're both thinking in different frames of mind.
Now it sounds like a tricky situation and I'm not going to be the one to say who is right and who is wrong, so here's what you should consider in my opinion...
NASA wants to feel that their opinion is heard... if they feel that it isn't heard then they're going to say "I told you so" when the space-station crashes and burns when their advice is ignored/shutdown. After all, if their advice goes unheeded then obviously the responsibility falls to the captain, (ie, you).
Which brings me to my point... a space station can't survive without maintenance or NASA's help... however, you can't have a successful mission without the captain making snap decisions and assessing the risks associated with those decisions. So to bring this back to earth, maybe you should stop shutting down emotionally and at least act like you're listening to your girlfriends concerns when they arise. She only does it because she wants you to succeed... then maybe you'd be able to avoid these "I told you so" situations...
But then again... even NASA doesn't keep score cards.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2011):
 First, and I mean this very sincerely, you are a Saint in comparison with many unattached (ie not yet legally married) guys.
There are many unattached girls who would delight in your company.
And although some may say she has been sick, this is no excuse. Besides you mention she has fought like this before. The difference this time is that she threw her ring at you. I hope you kept the ring?
Whereas she is abusive, manipulative and she fights really dirty (continually bringing up things from the past).
She gets a great deal from you as far as all you do for her. You are considerate (music gear stored separately).
Please do get all your music gear insured where it is noted where it is stored (as the risk is higher so premium shd be higher)
You assist her far more than many guys would re domestic duties. You pay the lion's share of the domestic expenses.
What does she do for you? How often does she ever go the 'extra mile' for you?
And amid all the nice things you do do for her - you get abused for your trouble. All I can surmise is that she must be very gib, to make up for all her other shortcomings.
She is disrespectful and undermines you by her attitudes and the words she directs at you. I would score her 0/10 for empathy. I think she shows you very little appreciation of all you do for her.
Perhaps try some SWOT analysis of the strengths and weakneses / opportunities and threats of this relationshop to you.
She has a temper. Can you see her being a kind understanding Mom in the future, if you ever decided to have children?
Be on the alert for her 'forgetting' her birth control measures, to snare you once and for all. This girl knows she is on to a 'good thing' with you.
BUT are you onto a 'good thing' with her'? Really'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): hey sorry to hear things are rough at the moment.
you sound like a genuine decent guy and i think a lot of girls would be happy to have the 'setup' your current girl has. it sounds as though she become dependent on you and doesnt show you enough appreciation and as a result youve lost some self esteem and value because of this. i personally would leave her to cool off because i cant see you have done much wrong. she sounds as though shes used to getting her own way and hopes you'lle be begging for her forgiveness. but for a change perhaps its time she realised how lucky she is and maybe its time you told her that ! good luck bud !
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