A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a real predicament. I am recently divorced, and have a new GF that I am in love with and plan on marrying if all continues to go well. Well, we are middle age (40), and she has never had children and really wants to. So do I, but I also need time to sort out my losses from my marriage and losing my job recently. I've told her I'd like to wait several months till we get more established and maybe buy a home. She agreed, but I can tell she gets very upset having to wait. We have unprotected sex, and I usually finish outside her except when its around her time of the month. Lately though, I have finished inside her around her ovulation period. She kinda pushes for me to do so, and gets upset when I dont. I know I should have more will power, but I give in. I feel tricked though. Part of me would like to give in and let it happen, part of me would not, and part of me thinks her chances of getting pregnant are so diminished at this age, it might be wise to not wait. I should also mention that she had HPV several years ago. It was completely cured, but I also wonder if that will affect her ability to get pregnant.I know I'm playing Russian Roulette, but I was wondering what the aunts think.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Thanks all, OP here. Yes, we are both in love...totally. And I DO want to marry and give her children...just would like to wait. If nothing lese to have some fun. I haven't been a bachelor in YEARS. THe HPV she has was warts. She had them frozen off, and took some meds. She was on birth control, ironically, when she was a virgin and up to her first partner, who she didnt have sex with until 29 y.o. So I will make a go for it...my practical side tells me to find a job first, but you cant wait for love or life. THe best things arent planned.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 As for the HPV, what exactly do you mean she had? Almost everyone has HPV... it is sort of the most common virus when you become sexually active, and you probably even have it yourself. HPV comes in many different kinds though, some cause cancer, some cause the genital warts... But most of them don't do any harm at all. And you can't be tested for it either as far as I know, the only way you know is if you get the genital warts for example. All the others are harmless in your body. So when you speak of HPV, what exactly do you mean? But no, if the doctor said she has been treated for it, I do not believe this has affected her fertility. Birth control pills affect your fertility though, as in, if you've been on them for years it might be harder to get pregnant later.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 July 2010):
I think it is now or never. You might never get ready for a child with this woman. Then you will have to find another woman. At some point though you just need to dive into the great unknown and let it happen. If you don't want to be old parents (which you by now already will be, by the time your kid is a teen you will be retired already). Make a leap for it. This woman wants a baby with you, you want one with her. Sure it is nice to be established, but at 40 I believe you are well established. You will get 9 months to sort things out, and yes, she might not even be that fertile at her age. It can still take years to get her pregnant. Do you want to sit around and wait?
Just my honest opinion, it is now or never. There are never any guarantees when it comes to love and relationships, you know that much being divorced. Do you have any reasons why you do NOT want children with this woman? In that case leave her and find a better match. If you can't find a good reason why not to have a child with her, then list up all the reasons for having a child with her. And get comfortable with the idea.
If you truly feel that a child with her is not for you, then don't do it. But don't stick with this woman if you can not see that, she needs to get a move on because her time is ticking and it might be too late. If you are not willing, she must find another man who is. And if you love each other... then I don't see why you shouldn't make a go for it.
You are nervous. Becoming a parent is a huge deal. But it is what you want, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Hello, at 40 your partner may need some extra fertility related help to get pregnant. Any pregnancy over the age of 35 is considered risky in medical terms but it doesn't mean she cannot conceive and have a healthy baby. You mention that her HPV was 'cured' which I assume means that her doctor has confirmed that her immune system has attacked the virus. There is no medical cure for HPV and it stays in the system for life. This is why there is a campaign to get young girls immunised against the potentially dangerous strains before they are sexually active. What usually happens is that a lady might have an abnormal cervical smear test result as a result of a HPV infection, or perhaps get genital warts. It is at that point that HPV is usually detected. If she does get pregnant, it would be important to alert the midwife or doctor because a flare up of HPV at the time of delivery may have implications for the baby (rarely). In fact I think it would be wise for her to see a doctor for a pre-conception check up as any health or lifestyle issues can be addressed now.
As for you and your indecision, it is important to stop putting your partner at risk of pregnancy until you are sure you really want a baby with her. It is a bit weak to say she is tricking you into risky sexual contact. There is no immediate rush to get your partner pregnant. It is important she sees a doctor and sorts out her diet, alcohol, smoking and anything else that can influence conception. Women are having babies into their mid-40's these days so she may well have a few years of potential motherhood left in her yet! In fact she would be a candidate for fertility treatment if she struggles to naturally conceive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 If you don't want a child now use a condom. Be honest about how you feel, I think you are ABSOLUTELY right in not wanting a child til the two of you feel ready. BOTH OF YOU.
You can't blame it on her and her biological clock, you are LETTING HER. Like I said if you are NOT ready for children you are not ready. She needs to accept that or find herself another man.
PS you are old enough to know that "finishing outside" is NOT a safe method to prevent pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 July 2010):
 You are in love with her, but is she in love with you? Could be it that she is just waiting for a willing donor and doesn't care if you are financially stable? Would she have sex with you passionately a few days before and after her period? You have to wait a 2 weeks to see if she is indeed pregnant. If she is, then be optimistic and think only good things that would happen. But also be realistic. You need to have a talk in case the relationship doesn't work out. She would probably live with the baby but what happens to you? If she is not, then see if she really loves you, and try to get out as soon as possible. You know being with her means being a father whether you are ready or not. She got a man to be in love with her. To retain this relationship you both need to be in love with each other. You need to talk about something else other than the baby, get to know each other better.
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