A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I new some advice. My partner has depression after years of being up and down has hit an all time low. She has never been this bad before. She has signed up to get therapy and in the meantime I am doing everything in my power to help. I'm making sure she is eating right, getting her to take vitamins, making sure she exercises, goes outside, all that stuff. No doubt its an upward struggle. She lies constantly, blames me for everything and is constantly angry at the world. she's also been rude to my family. i try to not take it personally as I know its not her its her depression. but I'm definitely being pushed to my limits. Her brother know she's in a bad way too and I asked him if he could help with support like messaging her just to see how she is and chat, and hanging out with her more. He hasn't lifted a finger and its really starting to bother me. In a lot of ways I feel the situation is made worse because I'm the only one supporting her. He promises to call but never does and this makes things worse. Part of her depression is she thinks people don't care. I tell her they do and then she says her brother obviously doesn't. How am I mean to handle that?! His actions are making things worse and because its just me supporting her, more difficult to handle. I feel I spend all this time trying to help then he goes and undermines me with his broken promises and lack of support. As If to add insult to injury he seems to think I'm the bad guy. He's even accused me of being violent to his sister and that maybe this is the cause?! I'm not violent to his sister. It's self defence when she's out of control but she just won't tell him the full story. But I've stuck by her. It feels a bit rich that he doesn't lift a finger then sits and makes accusations and judges me. He claims he knows his sister and knows what's going on but he wouldn't even have known about her depression and self harm if i hadn't told him because I needed someone in her family to help support he with me. I'm starting to get beyond furious with him and really want to txt him and call him out on all this and say that he is making his sister worse but my partner has asked me not to. So I won't. Sad thing is we used to be close. I used to get on with him and go for drinks but this whole thing has really made me question the way I view him. I get depression is scary and I get he's busy working. But I work too. I'm scared too. You just need to get over it and push through so you can support the person with the depression. I almost feel like I can't be civil around him as its not just his sister he's doing this to but me to. He is making this more stressful as I am still the only support she has. Please help. What do i do? It's like he doesn't even grasp how much I'm having to do to support her. Instead he comes across judgemental and arrogant. He doesn't get if I wasnt here she probably wouldn't be either. That's how serious it is. Everytime he breaks a promise to her I'm the one picking up the pieces and building her up again and then he accuses me if being the problem?! I'm stuck. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): You have carried this burden too long. You have played nurse-maid to a woman who harms you physically, and weighs so heavily on you emotionally that you will eventually break; and become ill under the pressure of it all. Dealing with people in her condition, requires qualified mental-health specialists. She requires social services to come in to help her. So she must apply for help. There are social-workers who will come to her to assist her with the process. So you really have no excuses.You need to move out. I'm so sorry to offer this alternative. She will receive no help from her family until you unload the burden where it belongs. They won't raise a finger, because they don't approve of your life-style. Her brother doesn't help; because it's inconvenient, and you are powerless to force him to. You don't mention her family, because you know they don't care. You have no right to complain really.You can leave whenever you like. She must become a ward of the state; until someone comes forward other than yourself.You don't even have a legal right to have her committed to a hospital.Until you have the courage to remove yourself, don't expect a magical solution to come along. If you are financially strapped and supporting both of you; she remains ineligible for social services available for people in her mentally disabled condition. Unable to work and support herself. She may need government subsidies to help her with simplest her needs. You have convinced yourself that you are responsible for her welfare. So why should anyone else lift a finger? Depressed or not, you've becomes a martyr. You've assumed the role of this woman's sole support and guardian. You've relieved her entire family of any responsibility in caring for her. So what are you blaming her brother for?Write her family a letter. Inform them that the burden of caring for her has become to great. No one has offered to help, and no one has assumed any responsibility for her care. You are forced to remove yourself from this situation allowing those of blood-relation to care for her. Provide her with food and stop in to visit when you can.The time has come for you to go.Find yourself your own place and move on. This is more than any one person can handle. You are far too young and inexperienced to take on a task of this magnitude. She has no family support; because she alienated them all. She pushed them all away. You speak of no parents, as if she is an orphan. I highly doubt it. It's you and her against them. That is even more reason to leave. They brought her into this world, and they have some moral responsibility to help her. My words seem cruel and insensitive, perhaps. Until reality has pressured you to the breaking point; you will continue to be her Mother Theresa. As life passes you by. She isn't the person you once loved. She may never be that person again. You are loving the shell of whom she used to be.She is even alienating you from the people you love.Few people are capable of dealing with this sort of situation. They are usually financially well off, and can afford to hire someone to come in to care for her, and they can afford therapists and medication to aid in her recovery.They can freely come and go; because they know she has the care she needs when they cannot be available.Unless this is you. I urge you to move on and find your happiness. Gently place this woman in the hands of her family, before she brings you harm or worse. You will emotionally and physically deteriorate until you are far more ill than she is.You have no reason for guilt. You have done far more than her own family is willing to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I'll tell you now, you are doing way, way too much and you could be the one who suffers in the end if you are not careful. You really need as much OUTSIDE Professional help for her. Is it BI-polar? has she been diagnosed with a particular problem (other than depression)I have spent various years been a care giver both private and professional, and the strain can get tremendous especially when the person won't or can't help themselves.You are in danger of been dragged down when it is someone so close(sorry but this is the truth)You are in the UK, do you get support yourself? do you get carers allowance? do you get respite breaks? do you have help coming in?You can speak to someone about support for you(although you may think this is not very relevant to your original question, it is) because carers put so much of themselves into caring for 'others' and often forget to care for themselves, that they become worn and burn out.Regarding brother, stop wasting your time with him, it falls on deaf ears and YES he quite clearley makes an already difficult situation even harder and undoes all your good work( I understand ).Self harmers, suicide threats, severe depression,bi-polar Alcoholism etc, I have experienced what you are and I tell you from these experiences 'Step back' for you, but also for her as if you do too much it can disable her. Seek support for both of you but through the 'carers network' and they will guide you and also help get the appropriate help for your partner, this is not knocking what you have done for her, and they can never know her needs aswell as you but step back.Leave brother out of it, he is not worth your efforts, and his nasty comments or accusations are not worth a spit.
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