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female
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*hazmart
writes: My husband and I have been married for almost seven years now. In the beginning I was blissfully happy, and the turning point was the day I lost my father, very suddenly. Ever since then, I've repeatedly cheated on my husband, not for sex, but I've tended to go for men who listen, and look after me. My husband has never actually found out about my affairs, but we have split up twice as I can't have a close or sexual relationship with my husband any more. I feel nothing for him anymore; I don't fancy him, I can't confide in him about anything and it's getting to the point that I cry if he tries to instigate sex with me. He desperately wants us to sort things out and stay together; I have recently started another affair and am thinking of leaving for good; what's wrong with me? I am exhausted from the lying and covering myself and just want everyone to be happy! Will I ever have a normal relationship again or will I always be a cheat? I feel as low as I possibly can go...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006): I agree with everything WendyG has said, from what you have written it does seem to me that the death of your father is the key to what has happened since and why you feel the way that you do.
I would also recommend that you speak to a counselor about your Dad, I think it will help you understand your behaviour, and the signifigance of him not being here any more. I also think it will go some way to stop you feeling as low as you do at the moment which is probably playing a big part in you being unfaithful.
I hope things work out for you..
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (26 June 2006):
 Grief affects people in many ways, sorry to hear of the loss of your dad, its very hard when we are that close to someone. I think that since that you happend you have been looking for something that you havent yet found, you probably feel a little isolate, lonely, lost, confused, and the only way you feel you can deal is to shut off what was your life and go off into another life. Maybe you asscoiate your marriage with your father, when i say that i mean maybe its part of what you have always know and the two were always there, one has been taken from you and your confused angry and hurt and are also scared of your husband not being there, instead of hitting it head on, your mind is set on a distraction, these affairs are that distraction. Whilst it started out that way, its turned into a habit, and you have now found solice in having these affair, and unfortunately its taken you a step further away from your husband. What I would suggest in the first instance is that you seek some kind of counselling, just someone you can sit and talk to about all of this and they be able to take it right back to the stem and help you understand why you are dealing with it in this way. Take it a step at a time, but please dont go leaving your husband until you have done this as you may regret it, i think this is all a reaction to your fathers death somehow and its triggered this all happening. Maybe its because you dont want to be close with him becaues your scared of losing him, that sometimes happens when we lose someone we become scared of losing someone else. Once you have talked this over with somebody a counsellor your gp, and do start some kind of therapy you might be able to open up to your husband and take it another step. It may be once you have yourself a little clearer that the two of you can go to counselling together and maybe get things back on track, it wont be easy, but i think with guidance it can be done. This is a reaction to grief somehow and somebody in that capacity will be able to help you.
I really hope things work out well for you.
Take care x x
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