A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I see lots of questions on here that do not always relate to relationships, and most of you guys have wonderful answers so maybe you could help me...Christmas is hard. Not just in the sense of "oh there's so much to do...I haven't wrapped all my gifts...blah blah..." But I literally burst I to tears as soon as we get into December. Little things start me off, people talking about their family traditions, the perfect families in the films, decorating the house.My family used to celebrate together, my Christmases as a child were almost all fantastic. But I was abused and my family fell apart when it all came out. I kept it a secret for years and in terms of what happened that's all been dealt with and I generally feel little anguish over that part of history. But what kills me every year is remembering what used to be and knowing it will never be like that again at Christmas. Members of my family don't speak to each other, I have to visit people separately and will only see my own mother for the morning of Christmas before off she goes to continue her day at home with the man who made my life hell and my brother who I miss dearly.This year my husband will be working and I just feel the one person who helped me through will not be there. I'm not suicidal and yes, I have had professional help - I have psychologists in my circle of friends who have also given me various strategies and the like to deal with the painful emotions but this year and today in particular I am just finding things tough.Does anyone have similar situations? How do you overcome the feelings of sadness and get used to Christmases not being about the family being together? I guess what I'm after is just to hear people who might have had similar situations and to know that real people got through it. It's all well and good having professional advice on how to cope, but they can't relate to you as they haven't gone through it.My husband has no choice but to work, it's the nature of his job and how his shifts fell. I will have my lunch with his family, but that almost makes me feel worse because it highlights even more that I am not with my own...I contemplate everything, like what will happen when I have a family of my own; and I can't have my whole family together and my future child or children will have to grow up in the madness of it all. I think I needed to get off of my chest just a fraction of what goes through my mind. But if anyone has read this far and is able to empathise and offer words of hope and advice I would be thankful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I've lost my code to get back in but I asked the question. Thank for you for taking the time to reply. It is appreciated and nice to read things from a third party perspective - rather than people around me who are involved in one way or another in the situation I find myself in. So thanks again x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): What you are feeling is a sense of nostalgia mixed with uncertainty because you are transitioning into age where it is up to you to make those wonderful memories for others. It is nostalgic because you know it ended and your attempts to recreate them do not work. Uncertain because you haven't made enough new ones. And yes, there is a difference between memories maker and memories taker because the maker is responsible for creating the emotion and the vibe of the times so that the taker can feel emotion, like you, many years later.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 December 2014):
 I can relate to some extent. Christmas was a magical time in my family until I was 12. My siblings would move home for a few days, and we would laugh and enjoy each others' company. My father loved Christmas and his enthusiasm was infectious.
My father left when I was 12, and a few years later my brother became estranged from the rest of the family. So what had been a thoroughly happy time became more complicated, and yes, it did underline how dramatic (and sad) the changes were.
I can tell you that it does get better. You and your spouse (and eventually children) will make your own traditions and memories. It will never be the same, but of course nothing ever stays the same as when we're kids -- the passage of time ensures it. In the meantime try to shake off some of the significance of the day. Pretend you're Jewish and think of it as another day off and an opportunity to get Chinese food (that's how my Jewish friends treated Christmas). As with anything in life, the lower your expectations, the harder it is to be disappointed. If you stop thinking of Christmas as the be all and end all you'll be less sad. And you'll start your kids off with a clean slate.
Hang in there!
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