A
female
age
41-50,
*ubberduck391
writes:I need clarity, My b/f says he is not cheating but is the writing on the wall? Please PLEASE help!???!!?OK I have posted before but I can't seem to find clarity. My b/f who I have been with for 3 months and I have known him for 2 years. He moved in with me about 2 months ago. He is 24 and plays in a band he is really good and does well for himself. I am a working mom. He stays home during most days while I am at work. But here is where it gets odd. last month I was cleaning out my car and I found cocain in my car I asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no, so I let it go. Last week I came home and I found a girls purse out on my patio we live on the 2nd floor. The purse was sitting on the chair. I looked through the purse and found condoms panties, federal financial aid papers and banking statements. I never heard of this girl before and my b/f says the same thing. I have asked his friends and talked with his family and they all say he is not cheating on me. I asked him how the purse got there and he said he doesn't know. Could this be the work of 1 of his ex's or 1 of mine? My 9 year old daughter adores my b/f. Please am I being nieve? Or could this purse have been thrown up on my balcony? All attempts in trying to find this girl have failed. What do I do?
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 ...Are you connecting the dots from your own post?
While neither is definitive proof of cheating, it is proof of lying and association with careless people in your home and drug users in your car; in very close proximity to your daughter. Are red flags going off yet?
As a fellow mother of a nine year-old, I presume those issues can’t be ok with you.
The police could follow your boyfriend (or his shady friend who left the drugs in your car without your boyfriend's knowledge, if such a person exists) to your home. How long will it be before they believe that you don't know anything about the drugs and they allow you and your daughter to return to your life?
Maybe you should ask him to leave your daughter's home on the grounds of his dishonesty alone, even if he isn't cheating on you.
You can say "Listen, the purse and drugs don't belong to me or my friends. They certainly do not belong to my daughter or her friends. That leaves you and/or your friends. Let's take some time to re-examine our living together. You should move out for the time being."
As for what to say to your daughter.... I recommend the truth without making anyone look bad or divulging information that she doesn’t need to have. You moved in with him too quickly and you both decided that you need more time before you decide it is the right decision. (Frankly, I would not need any time to decide that. I wouldn't want to be involved with this guy or to have my daughter adore him.)
When it comes to moving people into your daughter’s home, you need to be DATING for a few years before it is considered "not too soon", and allow them to get to know your daughter, in the role of your boyfriend, more slowly.
It’s an awkward situation to be in, but luckily, while living up to your role as “mother”, and safe guarding your child's intersts (something I presume you are usually good at), it can be easily rectified.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 September 2009):
Here's a male reply that might help (I hope). First of all, this man who your daugher looks up to has cocaine in his car. Do you want your 9 year old around that? Secondly, the chances of a purse with all that being thrown up onto your balcony are very very low. Yes, this man is cheating on you. And even if I'm wrong, which I doubt, don't forget that cocaine. And you're not naive, so please don't think that, I think you're just hoping you're wrong. Get rid of him and find someone else.Lots of luck. x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 September 2009):
 The bizarre occurences have happened since he moved in with you. It would seem logical to conclude (to risk sounding like Spock) that the events are connected.
I'd be VERY concerned about this. Why did he move in with you, only a month after you two got together? Is it that you need help with childcare?
I could see the risk in reporting the cocaine in the car to the police; I believe they can confiscate the vehicle that drugs are found in. You don't want that to happen, I'm sure. But at the same time, you found COCAINE in your car! I'd be freaking out. Who else has access to it? Who else has been in it?
What else, hmmmm, I'd probably do an entire house search before I contacted the police. It would be very bad to report drugs in the car and wind up having them find drugs in the apartment!
And the strange purse, sitting on the chair. Did it look like it could have been thrown onto the chair? That's just weird. Definitely turn it into the police.
Okay, now I've worked myself into a state of deep suspicion, and I'd probably figure out a way to keep an eye on this guy while he's home during the day. A nanny-cam? I know it's a violation of his privacy, but you have a child to consider here. Can you find a neighbor who is nosy enough to keep an eye on things?
I'd make sure my child was protected until you know if these bizarre events are related to him or possibly to an ex. Send her after school to a friend's house.
Consider the possibility that you moved in together too soon after starting dating. Yes, you've know him 2 years, but do you really know him? It just sounds a bit premature to move in together after one month of dating. I would revisit that decision, and perhaps date a while longer while you get to know him better. He shouldn't be living with you just because he can't afford to live alone.
You'll have some explaining to do to your 9 year old, of course. You can tell her that you might have moved a bit too quickly to allow him to move in so soon. I can't really help you with what to say to her; perhaps another aunt who is a parent will have better advice with regards to her.
Good luck. Hope to hear that you've resolved the issue soon!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I am pretty shocked that you find cocaine in the car and just let it go? I would have called the police if someone planted drugs (presuming your partner had nothing to do with it) in the car. Perhaps you should suggest to him that you contact the police as there are a number of strange things going on. As for finding a purse, randomly, on your balcony, it seems pretty obvious someone put it there to me. I have never suddenly found someone else's possessions in my garden on in my car. I really don't think you have the full story it makes no sense. I would hand the purse into a police station - after all, its not your property and this may help get the matter resolved. It may also 'smoke out' any lies that your partner is telling you - as long as you want the truth? I am pleased that your daughter adores your boyfriend but finding cocaine in a car is not an environment that is safe for a child. Both these incidents should be reported. They are far from normal or adequately shrugged off with "I don't know" answers.
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