A
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age
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anonymous
writes:Hello, ok i was out at my local pub last night from 9.30 to 1.30 and did not talk to anyone!I said hello to couple to couple of people but did not actually speak to anyone, yes there was music playing but come on i have been going to this pub for few months now and know and am known by sight at least.There is a woman there i like but find myself just unable to speak, she can be standing next to me at the bar being served and i cannot open my mouth even though i have an easy open in that she sings karaoke very well.Last night i watch as 2 guys both tried to chat her up and she had no problem talking to them but me i stuck there like a stone.Just making small talk can be so very hard as end living in my head.I have always be a bit what some would call shy but never this bad, last year i was diagnosed with social anxiety and had a course of CBT which helped, at least i can go in a pub now and i am moving forward.I started dancing a few years back in an effort to get out and meet people and i have made few friends but it has been slow and still really only talk to people if they talk to me.Being funny and using my personality is what used to get me the girls in my youth but now my mouth just refuses to to work.I am pretty sure it is down to my fear of being rejected and finding myself just unable to speak that is causing this, i tend to stutter a bit when really under pressure.I was rejected by my mother when very young and every rejection from a woman just compounds this and i end having this internal conversation with myself as to what would happen if did approach anyone, and it always ends bad or i end up convincing myself she would not be interested anyway, low self esteem i know but not matter what i try i can't escape this.This not just women but also making male friends, in fact i am better at making female friends.I have the same problem with a woman at dancing, though as she is friendly and speaks to me i am not as bad but i want to compliment her on her smile but the words just don't come out and our conversations are small and just about how we are.Dam it so frustrating not being able to be yourself and speak to someone.It not that i can't, there are other woman at dancing who are very forward and confident and have made an effort to get know me, and i can be myself a bit more and talk and let my personality out, i have plenty to say once you get me started but romance is not on the cards with these women so guess the pressure is off, but even then it has taken a while to get to this point and i am still holding back.I had 5 years of therapy so have a good understanding of what are and where my issues lay, i have done CBT and have tried loads of hypnosis downloads, am even trying tapping therapy. Looked into seeing good hypnotherapist who also uses CBT NLP etc to help people but can't afford it at the moment.That is the other issue, it even effect my ability to work as speaking to to others even for work can be just as hard.Man this driving me nuts....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous i fail to see why declaring that i am aware of suggested technique is negative or somehow belittles a poster?
If the poster is that touchy then then don't post.
Once again you fail to understand what SA is and every time i try and explain i get shot down, it is not simple approach anxiety that everyone gets, it is way off the scale compared to that.
To be honest i am tired of trying to explain it, it not just a case of puffing your chest up, finding your balls and getting on with it, man i wish it was.
My SA is also compounded as i have issues with rejection that stem for maternal rejection when young, this and a history of depression and Bi-Polar.
Yes the ball in my court and i am responsible for my actions and how i progress, which i have.
My OP was made after a bad night, i was not really looking for therapy just venting my feelings, if someone listened then that would be nice.
It is me who pushed myself to where i am today, which is much better then 2 years ago and i shall continue to push myself.
If you and some others do not wish to understand it is way more then just approach anxiety then so be it, and it is pointless me posting here anymore.
There are some very nice and caring people on this website but there are number who need to look at themselves and their posts and see if they are as caring and understanding as they think they are.
I shall be making no posts on this site seeking help for mental health issues, but shall where matters of the heart are concerned.
And for those that think this is the wrong place for mental health issues then check out the many posts that deal with depression and other metal health issues.
This thread as reached it end and we going around in circles, i am going to take eve's advice and post no more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior i have not read all your reply as it will only be another character assassination, obviously i have the wrong website.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): To Mr Anonymous (if you get this as clearly someone is now selecting the answers to be shown on here),you actually did it again with Ask Eve in thanking her and then saying it was what you know already but she reinforces it for you. And yet several of the aunts and uncles on here have said to start thinking more posititvely yet you said it's not as easy as that!!! I fail to see what you have got from posting this dilemma really as a lot of us gave you our thoughts including your negative thoughts as did Ask Eve, with the pat on the back you feel you should get from us and then you say you knew all about her techniques.I really cant fathom your dilemma though as you said 'im okay once i get to know someone' arent we all, it's called initial nerves of meeting someone. You have said you are confident in so many other areas of your life apart from chatting to woman that you fancy, jeez i have that problem if im attracted to a man, so come on everyone help me i think im suffering from social anxiety!!!!!
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 I'd respond to you dear poster, but I've been censored....
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyeswideopen show me where i rejected Eve's help and suggestions?You being very selective about what you read.This is not a troll post, although i have not been on here long i do post replies to those seeking help, i am sure an admin can check my replies and see if am posting troll replies to those seeking help, which i am not.The point about giving help to others is you should not take things personally, someone who is in a difficult place maybe and often is defensive and combative. After years in youth work i know this, i would have YP give me a hard time, call me all the names under the sun and even threaten me. I did not take these personally but just kept building the relationship and gaining their trust. Once done i would have productive relationship whereby i could give advice and they would act and behave well towards me.It is a known fact if you have done even a basic first aid course that someone with a head injury can be belligerent and even violent, if you did not know this you may walk away thinking badly of them, if you knew this fact you would know that they may have a serious injury and need medical help.The same applies for those who seek help for emotional issue, they may at first appear difficult and un-cooperative, it is a defense mechanism.What if i did have Asperger Syndrome and its associated social issues, do really think this vitriol that had directed my way by some would be appropriate and helpful?Take Eve's advice and if you get a poster who is difficult and seems ungrateful, move on and do not reply. I know i shall take this advice when replying to those seeking help who appear difficult.
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reader, AskEve  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 Isn't that the very essence of writing a question to this forum? Every poster who writes in is looking for advice to begin with. And I'll ignore your remark Eyes, you of all people have been here long enough and should know better and even long standing aunts can go back to manual approve at any time.
~Eve~
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2009):
Aww you are just saying that because he "sort of" liked your answer. Besides this poster isn't really looking for our advice anyways.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (2 December 2009):
Aunts... remember, the reason we give advice here is to try to HELP the person asking the question. It shouldn't be turned into a personal vendetta or nit picking argument because they question or disagree with your answer. If an aunt feels their advice is frowned upon or falls on deaf ears then simply wish the questionner well or leave them to it and don't reply any more.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAskEve, thankyou for your informed and supportive reply. Although i am aware of the techniques you have given it nice to have them reinforced with an understanding of what may appear to be simple steps that can be so very difficult. I will, as you suggest, continue to push myself and remove the negative thoughts processes.
Your professionalism and understanding shines through in your post.
Tisha-1, thankyou for your suggestion but i do not have Asperger Syndrome. Asperger Syndrome is a permanent condition, once i get to know people and i feel comfortable i perfectible to act in a normal social manner. It is just the initial meeting and getting to know that is difficult.
Code Warrior, i hesitate to answer your reply as from what you say i shall only self serving, bit of dammed if do and dammed if don't, but me being me i will.
Your reply is very contradictory:
"We have all had people with their hearts in the right place try to help but wind up causing a bigger problem. Most of us smile and thank the person for helping, and we tell them that we appreciate their effort. We grin and bear it for the sake of sparing their feelings and making them feel appreciated. We then clean up the mess they made and next time we give them very specific instructions on how we want things done. We don't make them feel stupid, we simply explain what we want in greater detail so that we reduce the probability of a bigger mess."
Is this not what i did? i do not have the luxury in this forum of returning to them at later date and explaining why and how they can do better next time, i only have the here and now.
You then go on to say:
"You could have easily thanked them, told them they helped you, and moved on without making any more posts to the thread."
But you just said that you go back later and tell them why there help was unhelpful! i am confused?
The fact is in the world outside this forum i do as exactly as you have said, if some give me support that is not helpful i thank them and later write to them and explain my condition and give them links to sites where they can get more information. I have had no issues when doing this, but as said in this forum i do have the luxury of waiting and going back.
I thought that if i made my point it would prevent others from repeating what had gone before.
Do i need to be right? no i do not and whether you believe me or not i have learned something from this thread.
I have learned that people can be sensitive to feedback that challenges their opinions, that i need to make sure what i am posting and asking is appropriate, or to make sure my initial post makes clear where i am in my own understanding of condition and treatments.
I never intended to offend or alienate anyone and my OP was made after a particularly difficult night, not all days are as bad and in right place i am can be very articulate verbally.
I am direct, blunt and even a little combative and some may not like this, but that is who am, it is this part of my character that had enabled me to survive this long to get through the days when i just wanted it all to end.
I do not need to be liked or be right, as no one can be liked by everyone or right all the time, no not even me :)
If i have offended it was not meant, if you find my feedback difficult then look to yourself first before blasting me.
I do genuinely thank all those that posted with suggestions and gestures of support.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2009):
 Did you ever do any research on Asperger Syndrome? I'm not an expert by any means, but I'm seeing some signs that point to it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
This might explain the dissonance between your perception of your answers, OP and their perception by other aunts here.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (1 December 2009):
You say: "Seems that i have become the focus for everyone's dislike here, i have reread my posts and to be honest i can see nothing in them deserves this level of vitriol." - At no time have I been verbally abusive or used venomous language to express blame. I remain neutral and actually commended you for the progress you've made.
I AM a professional Relationships Expert and certified Life Coach (and do it for a living). You are an intelligent man, you write very well and can write and express yourself fluently on paper. What you need to learn is to put into practise what you put on paper. Set yourself one goal every day. Breathe deeply and be the first to start up a conversation with ONE person every day. Do not fear that person's reply, they're human, just the same as you are and they may be just as nervous.
Change your mindset, tell yourself that the worst that can happen is that they ignore you (which probably won't happen.) Remember too that they don't know how you're feeling inside so they will not judge you, they'll simply make conversation back. It's all to do with how you are thinking INSIDE your head. YOU are in charge and YOU control your feelings so you can take charge and change the way you are thinking. If you find things difficult then take your leave (to the toilet for example) and breathe deeply again. Pat yourself on the back metaphorically speaking and tell yourself "that actually went okay." If you can get used to doing this instead of stressing out about it all the time then it will get easier the more you do it.
Start off by making conversation with one person a day. In time you'll be doing it without even thinking as you grow stronger and gain more control. You have so much going for you, you are mannerly and articulate AND intelligent and you know yourself better than anyone! You KNOW you can do it!
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I wouldn't dismiss the possibility that your social isolation stems from the fact that, en masse, other people invariably conclude you're simply not worth talking to, on account of not being a particularly nice person.
I suggest you re-read this thread in its entirety and, if you can't see how brattish, abrasive and rude you seem to others, nothing anyone else has to offer by way of encouragement is likely to be of any help. You did seem pretty polite for the first half-dozen or so posts, but the mask slipped the longer the thread went on. And you wonder why people don't like you?
I say this not in order to attack you, but sometimes it takes what's metaphorically known as a 'kick up the arse' to give people a bit of perspective. I hope your situation improves, but it really is up to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): you seem to be very articulate with a keyboard yourself so i have a great idea...take your laptop to the pub with you and type it all up on the screen and pass it to the person you want to talk to. if she refuses to interact with you in a way that you desire or require...you can PM her or IM her or whatever. Hey, its the new social skill and i think you have it down..cyber-communicating. if you dont like the way she talks or plays the game you can just block her or delete the contact. im so glad i came up with this way to help you that i almost wish i hadnt posted anonymously...:)
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 December 2009):
Yeah you aunts and uncles better shape up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeems that i have become the focus for everyone's dislike here, i have reread my posts and to be honest i can see nothing in them deserves this level of vitriol.
In my first reply i thanked the poster for their input and yes i did make a point saying that some of the suggestions were not appropriate or helpful when suffering from SA. I tried to explain that in some situation i can speak fine but others cause me great difficulty.
I was not being ungrateful only trying to be informative, please show me where in my first reply i have been so bad?
elsbeth3535 reply to this post was curt, a fact she later admitted.
q1605 in one reply wanted to shove elsbeth3535 under a bus, he then used what i felt was inappropriate language.
In my second reply i was once again only trying to be informative.
Accountable gave a very good reply in trying to understand and giving constructive advice. My reply to Accountable was i thought a discussion on how to give the best advice and how having an understanding of what a person feels would help.
q1605 seems to have taken this all very personally and made me a target for his anger. It seems to me that i am being ask, no told to look at my posts and review my attitude but when i do the same i become the devil incarnate.
Now i am going to make a controversial and what could be seen as a combative statement.
A few people on this site seem to think that they can give out their opinions without them being challenged, they live behind a facade of altruism whilst they are really just pumping up their own egos by thinking they have answer to everyones problems even though they have no qualification. No you don't need qualification to give advice and support but what you need is the dignity to be able to take feedback from a person who is actually living the problem and has a good understanding of what it means and how affects their lives.
I am living with my issues and my feelings and they are mine not anyone elses, to dismiss how i feel, to tell me i am and this and i am that is deny me these feelings. Yes i know my situation better then anyone, so who better then to be informative about it.
If you are unable to have your views challenge and are unwilling to expand your minds and try and learn anything then that is your prerogative, but if so then you have no right to tell me to do the same.
I can already hear the keys tapping as another wave vitriol heads my way, if so they so be it. I know who i am, i know that i can be a bit spiky and will speak my mind but i also i know that i am selfless person always willing to help and learn from others.
I have 5 godchildren who think of me as a second dad, i work for over 10 years in my spare time with at risk young people, where i built relationships, every appraisal i got was top scoring for empathy and caring.
The one thing that did happen in those ten years was that i grew a person, and what this required was that i was able to listen to and take onboard feedback given to me even when i did not like or agree with it, to go away and contemplate the feedback and assess who and where i was in my life.
It is easy to get on your keyboard and blast me for being this and that, if you actually read my post you will see that all i was trying to do was be informative, whether i did that well is open for discussion!
Yes i was direct, but that is me.
I know who i am and if you wish to make personal judgments about me then feel free.
You have ask why i remain anonymous, well this post tells it all. It is no wonder that metal illness is still a taboo subject and most people refrain from telling others about their issues.
If i have offended, then in the words of others in this thread, get over and get on with life, if i have been informative then at least i have contributed something in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): You are wrong in thinking that this sight is for people to 'Pat' you on the back by the way. You posted your question and people give their views, irrespective of whether you agree with them or not.
You have had several people exlain to you why they feel you are very discourteous and unnapreciative of the efforts that have been made to help you.
Personally i think that the reason why you are still single lies in the way you are towards people in general not your 'Social Anxiety'. My perception of you is that you think you are the only person who suffers from problems in life and that the world evolves around cajoling you.
Look back and read your comments and that of others on here and i think you will see that your attitude is what puts people off warming to you. If you are as genuine as you say you are then i suggest you take a long hard look at yourself and start accepting your bad points and maybe work on not being so serious about life.
lots of people suffer from problems and lots of people have had terrible upbringings and lead troubling lives, but if you can afford to go out when you want, go dancing as a hobby etc then you are far more better off than many others!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): LOl EYES; I tell you, only you can keep this rowdy kids in line XD
OP is all in good fun... and forget what health professionals tell you. The day you learn to laugh( and yes at yourself as well as at/with others) is the day you will be cured of this...Promise XD. By the way, of all the people who posted here, q1650 seems to be the one who cared the most about you. Now hug and make up LOl!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 November 2009):
Dear Poster, as everyone here at DC knows, I am the resident authority on mental illness, all of them. Here's my pat on the back for your trying to not to be too nuts. Good luck with that.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 November 2009):
Well now look what everyone's been up while I was gone....
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): ok, mr anonymous (which by the way i havent been which is why some of our ratings go down..we are courageous enough to post who we are)...pat, pat, pat..clap, clap, clap...im done here...im all about helping but i see no way for the layman to help you ... and i personally am not going to devote my life to education about your problem. i wish you well...adios amigo!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never asked anyone to reply or post, that was your choice.
This is not a troll post either.
I am going to end my posts as you seem unable to review your own posts but take great efforts to dismiss mine as they challenge yours.
q1605 you really do have an issue with people disagreeing with you!
Talk about pot calling kettle black.
Thankyou all for your posts.
goodbye
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): You are unbelievable mr anonymous grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, yes maybe this was the wrong place to post my troubles as you may not have or wish gain the understanding of my circumstances.I have not trashed every post in fact i have thanked most posts. I tried to explain my situation and what works does not work for me and what i have already done, but some took this as me being defensive or even combative. My posts were meant as nether.It seems that is i who have become the target as my attempts to enlighten you to my condition fall mostly on deaf ears, you never know if an effort was made the next time you come across someone with SA you will be better equipped to help them.q1605 insulted one poster, dismissed my previous involvement in therapy then told me get more therapy. He used what i find unhelpful not to mention down right derogatory language concerning women and sexual usageMy original post was made after frustrating night, last night i was out and had a few small conversations and was invited to play a game of pool which i did. marriedlady you may know well q1605 but this does not give you an objective view of him, his feedback scores show that i am not the only one who feels his style of feedback is not great.AskEve thankyou for your post. Yes i was looking for some encouragement and even a pat on the back, is this not what the forum is for?Yes i do know a lot about my condition and what i need to do and am doing, yes it is also my mind and it will my actions that either mean stay as i am or improve. As i have spoken of it is my actions that have seen me improve greatly over the last couple of years.It seems that my clumsy attempts to enlighten other posters was unwise and has not been productive as only a few have made the effort to read up on condition.Yes it does seem that other poster have become defensive and to a point so have i, if professionals not only seek out but want feedback on how they help others then what is wrong with that for us ordinary folks?I believe that everyone and that includes me can learn from this thread, what you say and how you say it can have a great effect on people.q1605 i know you mean well and am sure you are a genuine person who has overcome their own issues, but before you make posts which contain metaphors, cultural references and language concerning women stop to think if the other person shares your beliefs, attitudes and cultural references. You are an American i am British, we speak a similar language but it is also very different.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (30 November 2009):
I have read all the replies here... here is the way I see it. You have had some excellent advice given to you by the other aunts. You know more about YOUR problem than most people who post on here to begin with. You also know what you need to do to alleviate your social phobia and yes, it is an ongoing process and you've came on heaps and bounds from what I read.As a simple onlooker on this thread I can see it's your ATTITUDE towards other people that's letting you down. The way you have spoken with others here, (albeit done in a very courteous way,) you still have a condescending and patronising attitude that is making people be on their guard with you and that is certainly adding to your problem???You said in several of your threads that you want appreciation for your "condition". You want words of encouragement from others, pats on the back to say how well you're doing and yes, (pats him on the back), hats off to you, you've been doing great! YOUR PROBLEM IS THIS: You know what your problem is and you are using it as a crutch for others to feel a bit sorry for you, "this is my cross and I have to bear it..." RUBBISH! Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): poster, i rarely comment negatively on a post in this forum but honestly this is getting under my skin. you have all of the power here. you posted on this site knowing that we are not professional counselors. we are regular people who spend hours of our time helping others to the best of our ability. for free i might add. you have trashed us at every post. you have the questions and the answers. we have not and more than likely will not spend the hours that you have researching your problem. you ask lay persons for advice...and thats what you got....and very good advice. you have trashed q1605 at every turn but listen to me closely. he happens to be a friend of mine and he has overcame GREAT personal trials and a COMPLETLY disfunctional family to become a successful person who can maintain friendships and romantic relationships. he is a great father to his step daughters and i for one commend that. not to mention that every one else on this site has also overcame many varied mental illnesses and/or personal struggles as well. they use their experiences to HELP other hurting people...that is the name of the game here and its what we try to do. If we are not doing it for you then please be courteous enough to say thank you and move on. You didnt come on here for help in my opinion, you came on here to pick a fight. you have wasted out valuable time. if you want the help that we offer you are welcome to it, any time....but we arent here to listen to your rants about our immaturity and lack of understanding, knowledge and integrity. We have managed to overcome our difficulties and lead productive lives....can you say the same? If not then please stop with the disrespect. mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): guys this can carry on forever and no one is going to back down are they?
Okay to the poster i have just had a look at your links for social anxiety, in a nutshell it affects approx 13% of the population and can be reduced greatly 'apparently'by cognitive behavioural therapy. so if that was what you wanted us all to say to you then there you go you have your answer on what to do to help improve your problem.
q1605 i again agree with your last post, we have endeavoured to do all we can to give you our advice.
i posted a dilemma on here a few months ago and the responses i got made me feel very defensive, deep down i knew the truth hurts and i didnt like it.
no one on here can wave a magic wand and help you to overcome your present life difficulties but we have tried and i for one have felt very frustrated by your responses. you have repeatedly dismissed everything, barring the person who said CBT may help. you know that it may so there is your answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question q1605 we are going around in circles, you refuse to read up and understand my condition and no amount time spent by me will get you to understand me or how i feel.
I wish you the best on journey into adulthood and hope that your comments only improve with maturity.
Adios.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question q1605 you really do have a hard time reading (listen) to what is said, Did i say i can't be helped? no in fact i have said that i can be and having moved forward a lot.
My point was and is that feedback / help should be appropriate and that having an understanding how a person feels or what they suffering is good.
Telling a person who has a broken heart that there is more fish in the sea is not really go to help as they know that, telling them the other person was no good for them does not help as they loved the other person and feel that person is who they only ever want.
Tell the that pan will get better in time and to hang in there allow themselves to greave is far better and what they feeling is grief for the loss of a love.
q1605 i would not pay a penny as you abilities as counselor or even someone with empathy are zero, you are self absorbed in that you think the world must follow your advice when you cannot even be asked to find out about the condition is someone suffers from.
I take it school must have finished now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605 although i appreciate your input you once again show that you have failed to read (listen) to what i have said or make any effort to understand social anxiety. In fact you contradict your posts as earlier you said:
"After years of an alphabet of therapies you still cannot walk into a bar and engage in a conversation. How do you ask for a drink. Sign language?"
Now you are telling me to go back to therapy!
Add to this if read my first post i am fully capable of factual conversations that do not require a personal involvement.
As my posts have said i have been in therapy but if you made the effort to read up on SA you will know it is not a chemical imbalance but an issue with the thought process where previous negative emotion dictate how you perceive the world.
Also social anxiety may only affect certain part of your life and interactions.
Yes medication can help with reducing the anxiety if you are very bad, but i have moved on from that and panic attacks are no longer an issue.
Also if you read my post you will know that i no longer have an issue with people judging on my suitcase, i can actually walk into a pub now, something i could not do 2 years ago and just to let you know that i spent my entire 20's socialising in pubs.
For those that wish to learn what social anxiety is read these link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder
http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html
http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/define.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Hey i agree with you i dont have any idea what social anxiety is and you have explained that you have spent many years trying to find solutions or ways to overcome how you feel. But the point i want to make is you are asking people on here who have wanted to give you their opinions, thoughts and advice and that is what we have done.
Unless specified somewhere this is not a site that has expert agony aunts and again i can only speak for myself but i have given you what i would consider to be constructive advice.
However i stand by what i said, you may know your blocks and therapy may have helped you to have that insight but unfortunatley no one can change you and take away your anxiety. Maybe all the techniques you have mentioned will help some way but i firmly believe that drawing a line under the past and beginning to feel more positivley about yourself (self belief) will help you to overcome those anxieties.
If im wrong and you disagree then i have done all i can in giving you what i feel is helpful advice. If you feel expert advice would help you more then your looking at the wrong site.
I say again you are a survivor and i dont think for one minute you arent getting out there, despite the difficulties. Last word of advice from me, decipher from all you have read any points that you feel could help and as you are doing already seek out further help if you feel that would help. And i say again, best of luck to you B
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question elsbeth3535 you once again fail to understand what social anxiety is, i do and am trying to move forward it just very slow and i have my setbacks.
The point with SA is that you do know why you behave as do is irrational, you know that what you want to do should be oh so easy but your thought processes have become mixed up and your reactions to situation are way out of kilt.
Example, i started dance lesson, is this not putting myself out there? Wearing dance shoes is a good idea and everyone does, as is changing your shirt as you get hot and sweaty.
Simple things you might say, everyone else would not think twice about using dance shoes and changing their shirt halfway through an evening. Me, man the anxiety it caused me was untold, panic attacks etc and that was before i got into interactions with women where one wrong look could end my night as i would feel they were judging and rejecting me.
It took a year to buy dance shoes and a further 8 months to wear them, it took over a year before i would change my shirt.
If you have every had panic attack you would understand, i went to weekend dance event with 2000 people, is that not getting out there? but spent a lot of time the toilet trying to calm myself and prevent panic attack.
Even getting to my chalet was stressful as thought people would judge me on my suitcase... stupid yes but that is how you feel.
Do i feel that way now, no i have come a long way and recently went to weekender and had a good time, even managed to introduce myself to a group of people who i semi knew from a dance venue, that was stressful but i did it. Did i meet anyone romantically, no that is hard but i am working on it.
So yes i am getting out there and yes i am making an effort.
My point was that simply telling someone what they should do without understanding what it is they are suffering from can often be counter productive.
q1605 do you really think i like being like this? that i would not like to be able to go to a bar meet people and pick up a women? if you think i don't want that then it is you who are crazy.
All the things you say i should do i know i should and want to, if you actually read my post you see that.
What has my post to do with relationships? man you really have not read my post at have you. It is my "metal illness" that is making it hard for me to have a relationship.
Do you know what it like to not have a relationship for years at time, to meet a woman you like but when you try and speak to her you mouth will not physically work and if sound come out they are unintelligible?
To become so frustrated with what you know is a stupid reaction that you want to take your own life?
When you felt these then see if you will just tell me to go hook with topless dancer and bed two women just piss someone off.
Every tried to learn something at school and just could not get, knew you should but could not and then have others tell it is easy? well if you have then multiply that by 10,000 % and you getting to how i have felt.
Your point about pushing myself more is a good one, and i know that even though i push myself i also need that push from others, and yes i can get a bit anal about my issues but if your read up about SA you see that is part of the condition, an endless replaying of negative emotions.
It is this cycle and pre-occupation with negative emotions that i am trying to break but it not easy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): OP, if you don't develop a sense of humor soon the world will crush like a pretzel.Q1605; your play is brilliant; the audience is a failure!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605 once again you show that you cannot or will not listen, not once did say i was agoraphobic, in fact i am out trying to socialise more then most people i know.
You once again fail to grasp what social anxiety is and how affects people, your metaphorically language concerning beer and breasts is not only childish but unhelpful. Not only that but you have also insulted a person who gave support and encouragement on this post.
Yes i have therapy but not as much as you think i have and most of my efforts to overcome this condition are via my own hard work and determination.
I would rather be where i am then a where you are, which seems to a person with very little self awareness living in their own world spouting diatribe regardless of how it affects others.
I will not lower myself to answering anymore of your rants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Now your talking q1605, you have a point with what you have out this time and i have to say i agree with you. Therapy cannot change you, you are fully aware of who you are and what is behind your social anxiety. You have to want to move forward and i agree no amount of therapy can change you unless you are willing to do it yourself.I also agree that a few people have given you thier thoughts and advice and you dismissed them all saying we dont understand, q1605 that is what i said in the first place.We all have insecurities and fears and i had experiences in my childhood that has had an effect on who i am now but as i said to you, you are a survivor who wants to move forward. The only thing is only you can really put that into effect, all the advice and techniques in the world will do that for you unless you start to believe in yourself.Good luck and this time q1605, i get your points completely!! :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Accountable, thank you for your reply.You seem to have made or already knew about the condition social anxiety, you also seem to have an awareness of different techniques that can be used to treat people.This really highlights what i was trying put across in my previous replies which is that having at least an understanding of a condition and possible treatments can really enhance a persons ability to give good feedback and support.Giving suggestion on what to actually do without having an understanding can be counter productive, and in these cases words of support and encourage are far better then practical solutions.Giving and receiving help from others is a two way process, the receiver needs to take on board the appropriate suggestion but also the giver needs to take the feedback given to them if they are to become better at helping others. I have had a lot of professional help and everyone of them has asked for honest feedback so as to improve the service they offer.Flooding can be useful technique, but i would suggest that these techniques applied by a lay person would be unsuccessful. Take phobia of spiders, a person can have their friends and family tell them hold a spider for years and they will not, but take them to a professional who may use flooding in conjunction with other techniques and they will be successful.I have used it on myself, fear of heights so do a parachute jump. Those with SA will often expose themselves to situations that cause SA because they want to be with people but that alone will not cure it. I started dancing where the classes are full of women, a lot more of them then men but it was not until i combined this with CBT did i see an improvement.I worked with young people for many years and had to deal with all the issues that young people have while growing up, i received training for this and one of the most important things i learned was never to undermine or dismiss a persons feelings. If someone tells you how they are feeling simply telling them to not feel like that or they are silly to feel like that is not good. It devalues the way they feel, what they feel may be irrational but it is how they feel and as a listener you need to accept that but then explore why they feel like that how they can overcome it.It is like telling someone who is depressed to pull their socks up, it just is not going to work.One of the most important skills when helping other is to be able to listen.Word of encouragement and support are always very welcome and i thankyou you all for those, but having an insight into a condition and it treatments can really help in giving advice.I do have good self awareness and insight as to how and why i feel they way i do and the treatments available, so for me support and encouragement are very helpful. I know i should really go back and get some more CBT, but is only giving as short course and not ongoing as a therapy. I do not have a good family support network and do have trouble sharing my feelings with those friends i do have though i am getting better.elsbeth3535 thank you for you kind words and i am sorry that we have had prime example of someone ( q1605) who does not know how to give advice or encouragement appropriately. I think q1605 does want to help but as yet does not how best to go about it and although i feel he means well he still has to work on his skills in this area.Thankyou you all for replying
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): q1645 or whatever your name is what are you on about exactly as i cannot understand a word of what you have written.
To the poster i apologise if my post seems a bit harsh, on reading back i see that you could have percieved it to be, i was simply saying that you seem to be very aware of social anxiety and as i can only speak for myself i have not read around this subject but offered you my thoughts. Thankyou for being the gentleman that you are and i wish you all the luck in solving your block, take care B
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reader, Accountable +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Hi, I'm almost afraid to offer advice given your followups! But from what I understand of social anxiety disorder, it can have a cognitive cause, is that correct? You recognise that your processes of thinking when it concerns social situations are in some way faulty - eg find yourself predicting that everyone will be thinking negatively about whatever you do, blowing things out of proportion. In which case, I'm sure in your CBT your therapist encouraged you to respond to certain hypothetical social situations (vignettes)? If you can recognise the way that you are misinterpreting or reacting to social settings, I think you're halfway there; and you should definitely continue to expose yourself to these situations - have you heard of the behavioural technique, flooding, in which a person is exposed to their fear in order to overcome it? In the example you gave, yes telling somebody who has a phobia of spiders to hold one can overcome their phobia, as their nervous state (cognitive reaction to the spider) can only last for so long, and as such when they become relaxed, they learn to disassociate the spider from the negative feeling. I realise your situation is more complex than that, but you are certainly doing yourself no harm by putting yourself into social situations; it sounds like you've been doing it very successfully :) can I ask why you stopped CBT? And what your social support structures are like - do you have a supportive family, or any close friends from before your condition developed to a severe point?
Anyway, with regards to your final point, the aunts on these sites are not psychologists/psychiatrists. Most offer what seems like the most practical advice - if you're looking for specialised professional advice, I would strongly advise returning to some form of therapy. CBT sounds as though it should be the most effective, considering what you've said about your thinking patterns regarding social situations, but carry on helping yourself by being active, going out etc :) as far as finding someone and settling down goes, there are many women out there who would not shy away from you because of your condition. Just continue with this process; it is a gradual one, but you are by no means running out of time. Good luck. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question q1605, made me laugh but you sure you have not been drinking?
Getting mad does not help, nether does drinking, in fact drinking makes me climb into my shell more!
All a bit over the top and elsbeth3535 is entitled to her opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionelsbeth3535, i did not say i was not understood, in fact your post was helpful and if you do not wish to read up on social anxiety then that is your choice.
Unfortunately social anxiety is not just a case of being shy or awkward and to really understand and thus give informed advice you have to read up on it.
This does not devalue your post and i have no wish to alienate anyone, but telling someone who has social anxiety to just 'speak to people' is really of no help as they already know that. In fact they may have been very social and have all these skills before suffering social anxiety and know full well what it is they need to do, unfortunately it is the doing that is hard part and i can assure we know it is irrational.
Words of support and encouragement are the most helpful and very welcome, suggestion on actions without understanding the issues will fail on deaf ears.
Would you tell someone who has phobia of spiders just to pick one up? And if you did do you really think it would do them any good and they would actually do it?
Please do not be offended by my replies and continue to offer support where you can, but be aware that being informed on a users condition can only improve your feedback.
thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Well im sorry that you feel you have not been understood, you have read up on it clearly and i havent as i have had no need to. I seriously cant see what else anyone could say to you other than all the suggestions that have been made.
Best of luck and i hope you can find the answers to solving your block!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all you replies and suggestions.
Acting is not really an options as all you end up being is an actor and there are great many of them that get stage fright and cannot cope in normal social situations.
The issue is not that i don't have the social skills, i do and have used them ok in the past.
Although many of the suggestions are well meant;
"Stand near, but without invading their space. If their conversation is one that interests you, find a way of offering a little snippet of your own without appearing to butt in."
The point is i cannot do the offering a snippet, it not that don't want to or know how, it just this huge mental block that prevents the mouth working, it is as if the communications part of the brain shuts down.
To understand social anxiety you really do need to read up on it, it is not about being a bit shy, or even awkward, as a sufferer you know what you feeling is irrational and stupid but your thought process are so screwed up you can't seem to change it.
When i go dancing, i can say hello and ask the many women who rotate in class how they are. This is more than i could do a few years back, but sit down and have conversation, umm no no unless i have already got to know them a bit and it usually they who make the effort.
I am not really an introvert, i am opinionated, have forceful character and like to get my own way and have no problem speaking my mind about issue that i feel strongly.
If i went in training course i can speak up in the class fine about the subject, i can persuade others in group discussions around to my way of thinking, but ohh come the break and doing the social speaking and i just find myself unable to speak.
I know this going to be a long battle and i have to just keep trying, but i am not getting any younger and would like get settled down.
Many thanks for your input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): Hi there,
You are very self aware of why you feel the way you do as you have clearly explored that you feel every rejection from a woman goes back to your mother rejecting you as a child. Sadly this is often the case that children often carry through to adult life the experiences they have as a child even if albeit it comes out in other behaviours and thoughts.
I want to say that i think you sound like a lovely man who is facing his fears (social anxiety) and trying to get out there despite the massive challenge that it is for you.
I feel that whilst people can change to a certain extent i dont think that a person can completely transform themselves, even if it seems on the surface someone has, insecurities can be kept under but as you are already aware are still there.
I think that the one way you could really feel happier in yourself is to start believing in yourself more, recognising that you are a brave man who is not allowing your past beat what you want now. Possibly going to a pub is not the way to meet people and to really get to know them, why not join a group or club where people are also there to meet and get to know new people.
You are very aware that you become tongue tied around woman who you are attracted to so why not smile at them ad try and get to know them as a friend rather than the pressure of trying to talk to them because you would like more, you already know you feel ore comfortable once you have got to know them.
Best of luck and i really think you sound like a survivor in life!!!!
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reader, Pinkballoon +, writes (27 November 2009):
 Hey, you are not alone with this problem. The fact that you are going out and want to make friends is a BIG step forward. Many people would have gone a couple of times, not managed to strike up conversation then bottled out. You are perservering and have the tenacity to see this through. Sometimes, and I speak from experience here, we try too hard to be noticed or liked. I've learned that if people ignore me, brush me off and don't bother to get to know me - do I REALLY want to get to know them?
You need an instant confidence boost - the next time you make eye contact with anyone (in the street, at work etc) smile and say hello - you will make their day and when they smile and say hello back they will have made yours. Try this and other things like it (hold doors open, offer a kind word or gesture) and you will get that spring in your step back I can assure you!! Once your self-esteem is rising you will start to feel better about yourself. Then go out, to a different pub. Go there with the intention to smile and get smiles back. Depending on the type of pub, there is usually a couple of groups of barflies. Stand near, but without invading their space. If their conversation is one that interests you, find a way of offering a little snippet of your own without appearing to butt in. Then get back to your own pontifications. Chances are they will ask your opinion on something!! Please don't go there with the fear of being rejected - go there with the anticipation of great things.
To get used to talking to strangers, building friendships and building your own self esteem, why not find a couple of hours a week to do some voluntary work? There is no pressure to meet targets or deadlines, no boss to answer to and just how good would you feel about yourself knowing that you are doing something that benfits others?
Good luck, keep smiling and tell yourself everyday that you are worth it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): to bring you out of your shell there is one way that mostly works....acting.
I know its rough, but being infront of people will gradually improve your social skills. there are also speekers clubs all over the place, the pub is a good start but you ned to go further.
Do you like sport? It always works for me
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