A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How much should you give up for your partner's career?My fiance is an academic. He's at a conference right now. He was out until 4.30am drinking, and he'll be tired and grumpy when he comes home. He won't get any work done today, which means he'll have to work on Sunday instead to get everything done for next week - during our weekend time, which I was hoping we might get to spend together. I know that guys need their space and freedom, and that time out is a good thing. But there's more to this than that. My fiance and I have very different work lives. He has a way better career than I do - I'm just a secretary, and he's this big thinker/academic. He goes to international conferences all around the world, and I'm chained to my desk being harried by the boss from hell and generally treated like crap. However, behind the scenes, it's very different. I help him in really substantive ways with his work. I cook, I clean, I organize - but more than that, I actually write and edit a lot of his output. Because I work fulltime, essentially this means that I give up many evenings and weekends to service his career. And I'm getting very, very tired trying to manage all of my commitments.At the same time, there is no way anyone would ever listen to what I have to say on my own, because I have no status. Academia is incredibly snobby and hierarchical. As a secretary, you basically blend in with the wallpaper, and god help you if you act like you have a brain of your own. If people knew I had written the paper, they wouldn't read it or pay any attention. But when it's published with his name on it, it makes people sit up. I get a kick out of that, because I truly believe that what the pair of us are trying to say is important. I enjoy writing with him, even though no-one knows it's actually me behind some of this stuff. At the same time, it does hurt. Especially when he's able to go out all night and enjoy the reputation and honour that the work brings, and I'm stuck at home, working on all the stuff that he can't get done because he's out drinking. I feel a bit... exploited... if that makes sense. The money situation between us just makes it all worse. He earns more than twice as much as I do. He puts the roof over our head, and pays the bills. I am really grateful to this, so I do my best to live as cheaply as I can with regard to my own specific needs. He buys expensive designer clothes, while I shop in Oxfam and only ever wear second-hand clothes. I am trying to better my situation - I study at night school and I'm trying to build a new career this way. But the time I give to his work is eating into that and I feel like I can't move forward as fast or decisively as I like. I love him, but the whole situation is screwing with my head. I feel increasingly troubled by the schizophrenic nature of my existence. Please help.
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 If you don't end this situation now, he will end it later ... but only after he has used his charm and influence to get every bit of your hard work out of you that he can use. It's no fun feeling like your partner uses you to get ahead. I have been there personally, and I can tell you that life is a whole lot better when you do not have a partner who is constantly sucking you dry.
Start making a plan now of how you can build a life for yourself ... away from this guy. Believe it or not, but he will not always be so charming and supportive, especially if you are not as useful to him. The folks who have pointed out the chauvinistic behavior of his are definitely hitting the mark.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I can genuinely sympathize with you as I have gone through a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend and recently a close friend as well. They both took advantage of my knowledge in a specific area, the first made me help him further his career and although he did a lot of work, I still felt disrespected when he asked me to write him a letter of recommendation stating that he did more than he actually did (in other words he wanted to claim my work as his!!). This is a typical male behavior, male chauvinistic to say the least. As for the other friend (a female), I helped her for a short period on a very important paper. I didn't get acknowledged even, although my help was so crucial and so last minute that the paper would not have been accepted. She then moved on to publish another paper using my work and also I was not acknowledged. This is very typical in academia in general and one has to be careful both of those higher ups (both genders) and of men. Just saying that there is so much pressure to publish that people forget about ethics if they are not qualified enough to do the work themselves efficiently. In terms of your relationship to your bf, you have to confront him and let him know that you are no longer working for him and see if he is ok with it. If he is not, then that simply means he doesn't genuinely love you for you but for what you are offering as services. A lot of opportunists out there these days and not many people who are genuine, you have to be careful who your friends are and especially who your partner is. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I can genuinely sympathize with you as I have gone through a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend and recently a close friend as well. They both took advantage of my knowledge in a specific area, the first made me help him further his career and although he did a lot of work, I still felt disrespected when he asked me to write him a letter of recommendation stating that he did more than he actually did (in other words he wanted to claim my work as his!!). This is a typical male behavior, male chauvinistic to say the least. As for the other friend (a female), I helped her for a short period on a very important paper. I didn't get acknowledged even, although my help was so crucial and so last minute that the paper would not have been accepted. She then moved on to publish another paper using my work and also I was not acknowledged. This is very typical in academia in general and one has to be careful both of those higher ups (both genders) and of men. Just saying that there is so much pressure to publish that people forget about ethics if they are not qualified enough to do the work themselves efficiently. In terms of your relationship to your bf, you have to confront him and let him know that you are no longer working for him and see if he is ok with it. If he is not, then that simply means he doesn't genuinely love you for you but for what you are offering as services. A lot of opportunists out there these days and not many people who are genuine, you have to be careful who your friends are and especially who your partner is. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (16 September 2011):
Hey OP
I know a little about medicine as a second qualification. Perhaps you already know, but there are several institutions around the UK that will take any degree in lieu of A-levels or a degree in the sciences? PLus there are accelerated courses for graduates. Newcastle, for example, runs a 4 year course, you need to have a degree but not one in the sciences. Durham will also let you onto their standard 5 yr course with a humanities degree, and Bristol do a course with a foundation year for those without a science background. You need to take the UKCAT though. There are quite a few others as well. Accelerated courses also offer much more favourable funding options for those who already have a degree. I'm just mentioning this because it could save a bit of time in getting into medicine. The sooner you get your foundation years over and done with the better!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 September 2011):
hi OP, I'm very impressed with your academic qualifications and now I have a much better idea of your situation (not that I would have any better advice necessarily!)
I know what you mean by your advanced degree being an overqualification and a hindrance for the non-academic job market. I went through that myself, even though my PhD and postdoctoral fellowship was in the physical sciences which has far more industrial job prospects than the arts/humanities (so I can only imagine how difficult your job search must have been!). That is what kept me in academia longer than I would have liked, actually.
I know this site is not exactly a career-forum, but it sounds like your emotional distress is tied to career issues. Therefore might I suggest exploring if there's anything you can do to improve your career situation. Maybe it would help to check out the forum in the Chronicles of Higher Education website: http://chronicle.com/forums/
there are a lot of good discussions on academic career issues there, and related issues (such as dual-career academic couples and the issues they face) and perhaps people there would have more insight and advice.
second: I see that you're obviously contributing substantial intellectual content to your bf's papers which do in fact warrant a co-authorship but are denied any form of acknowledgment simply because of your present employment status. I feel it's just ethically unacceptable for you not to be acknowledged in some way. In scientific papers at the end of the articles there is usually an "acknowledgments" section where besides programmatic details (like the grant that funded the work), people can be named who assisted the authors in creating the work but are not co-authors themselves (because their contribution wasn't substantial enough or at the level of co-authorship). it's a way to acknowledge people who did contribute some, even if not at the level of authorship. If your bf's field has this convention, then I would hope that he would at least put your name in this section. This does still minimize your contribution, but at least it's better than having zero record at all.
And might I add, I think your bf shouldn't be using your ideas and contributions to a huge degree (as it appears he is doing) if there really is not a legitimate channel for you to be given due credit. This flies in the face of true academic ideals. (But then again, professionally unethical behavior is rampant in academia so it's unsurprising that these constraints exist and is one reason I left.)
Anyway I wonder if there is a legitimate albeit unconventional way for you to be given due credit for your contributions and intellectual work and to at least go down in the archival record as having contributed to that body of work. I don't have experience with the arts/humanities but I'm wondering if the following scenarios might be feasible for you:
(1) Could you be made a co-author on your bf's papers by using your former affiliation (your former university from when you were still working on your phD)? I mean, it's not like you're a fraud, you really do have a PhD (and in that field too, I assume) and your work on his papers is legitimate and sound. So perhaps the paper could have your name in the author list, and then an asterisk beside it where further down on the paper it says "formerly of [your old university and department where you did your advanced studies]" ... this more clearly reflects that as far as this paper goes, you were a *colleague* of your bf, not his secretary!
I don't know about the ethics or legality of doing this so it's just a suggestion to look into. In my opinion, it's not just ethical that you be a co-author, but it's unethical that you NOT be. To me it seems it's merely red-tape that you're not able to be made a co-author due to your current employment status. Would it hurt anyone now or in the future if your name was in the author list? I don't see how. And what is the true purpose of scholarly papers anyway? It's to add to humankind's knowledge. Does this get hindered if the paper was written by someone who is no longer affiliated with the university at the time of writing? This would not fly in the sciences for many reasons (science requires a lot of money which has to come from somewhere, overhead, safety and liability issues and a paper trail and documentation for everything.) But I'm wondering if your particular academic discipline might be free from that and thus would it be OK for you to use your former university as your affiliation so you can be made a legitimate co-author on your bf's papers. that's all.
I'm not suggesting you try to do anything unethical (I've seen enough professionally unethical behavior in academia which does hurt other people, usually those lower on the hierarchy, which is why I'm sensitive to that!!) but just trying to explore a legitimate way to get around the red tape and conventions in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, is not at anyone's expense, and would be beneficial to you and would be an honest "setting the record straight." It is disingenuous and misleading if the work of two people was represented as being the work of just one person. (and again I want to state that I think your bf should be declining to use your contributions to the degree he is, if he's unwilling to find a way to give you due credit.)
(2) Could you register yourself as an independent consulting firm (a one-person company) simply to use that as an affiliation so you can be a named co-author on any academic papers? I've seen similar things done in my field.
(3) There are a lot of self-publishing websites out there, where authors trying to break into the publishing industry will self-publish their works. An example is www.lulu.com ...Perhaps you can use this venue to self-publish your ideas and intellectual contributions. Yes it's true that this is not an archival scholarly journal and thus will not carry weight in the academic community, but perhaps it's better than nothing?? When you self-publish from these websites you do still get an ISBN assigned. And this might still be something you could put on your CV in a separate section from scholarly journal articles.
I know you did tell your bf that you're OK with this - maybe because the intellectual challenge is itself rewarding and what you enjoy doing - but I suspect that really you're not OK with going unacknowledged because of the sense of devaluation and unfairness. Maybe once you have a new career up and running that these issues will then truly fade away in your mind. But that could be a few years away still, and until then (and perhaps even in spite of a new better career) you might experience resentment, anger and bitterness, or a further sense of devaluation which could affect your outlook negatively so I think that if there's any way that you can be acknowledged in the near term for your contributions to your bf's work, it can only be a good thing and positive effect on your life. good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): First of all, thank you all so much for your help and support!
To answer your questions - yes I do have qualifications, and like the second poster, they are actually higher than my partner's. I have a starred first, an MA with distinction, and a PhD. But they are in arts and humanities subjects, and there are absolutely no jobs here in my area. What is more, my postgraduate qualifications are a total handicap when it comes to getting any position outside of universities - I have the worst combination of overqualification and total underexperience. I have trapped myself in low-paid, low-status jobs as finally and as effectively as if I had not even bothered with university, which is a pretty bitter pill to swallow.
Second, to answer the highly perceptive comments of the first poster (thank you so much for these) - I don't just correct some grammar and spelling on these papers - not only was the original conceptual idea for them mine, but I have contributed substantial amounts of original writing. I do not seek to be acknowledged as a co-author, and I have told my partner so - as you rightly say, having a secretary (even an overqualified one) on your papers will simply not do in the academic world. He would lose status by noting my contribution, and I would gain nothing.
Third - yes, I do love him. He is emotionally supportive, and we do have a lot of common interests. You are all right when you say that the real issue here is my feeling of invalidation - an emotional issue- rather than anything practical that he can do something about. I needed someone to point this out to me, so thank you. Part of the problem is that the reason I'm in this situation is that I made terrible career decisions in the past, and I need to take responsibility for that. I feel enraged with myself for having been so stupid, stupid, stupid, and I need to stop chuntering about the unfairness of the fact that I worked so hard for nothing, and get on with building an alternative career.
I think maybe I just have to be patient. I'm now retraining completely, working 2 jobs, and doing a biochemistry degree on top, with a view to going into medicine in my mid 30s. The problem is, I have a tendency to spend my spare time attending to his already flourishing career, instead of focusing on my own. I am going to talk to him about how I need the time to focus on my own work for a while - I know he will be really supportive!
Thank you all so much. You've really given me great perspective on this.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 September 2011):
I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like that this relationship is killing your self esteem and devaluing you. Traditional gender roles and the woman functioning primarily as "support staff behind the scenes" to the man's career and goals, may work for some women but not for many and clearly not for you. Your bf is taking advantage of you, but at the same time I think you should examine your own contribution to your problem in allowing it.
On the surface it may sound like a fair exchange or an equal partnership: you sacrifice a lot of your time and energy to further his career, and in return his higher income supports you financially.
but this is not a good arrangement because it's actually devaluing you. You're not an equal partner, and you feel minimized and disrespected. whether he intentionally treats you with contempt or is simply going along with a pattern that perhaps you created because you haven't voiced any complaints, the fact is that you feel disrespected and often.
The fact that his higher income supports you, only goes to make you feel even worse rather than making this partnership equal because you don't feel respected for your contributions to the relationship and thus being supported financially only reinforces your "one-down" position.
Regarding writing his papers for him: Does he at least put your name in the 'acknowledgments' section? Co-authorship on academic papers is a very touchy subject among academics and varies from field to field and discipline to discipline. I used to be an academic (I have a PhD and was in the tenure track system for awhile before I changed careers). Some academics believe that only substantial contributions to the content of the paper constitute co-authorship. Other academics believe that (more for political reasons) that any colleague who even gave a passing comment should be made a co-author. However this second practice of extending authorship usually gets extended to senior academics rather than junior academics and almost never to those lower on the hierarchy (non-tenure track faculty, students, assistants, secretaries). Thus, it's highly unlikely that your bf is ever going to make you a co-author, even if you are contributing substantial intellectual content to his papers. Even if he wanted to, his peers and colleagues not just in his own department but in other universities around the world would not respect him if he did.
However I want to just raise the question of, even if you are contributing intellectual content, do you have the background or training to make substantial contributions that would indeed warrant a co-authorship? for example, rewording his thoughts, editing the grammar and organizational flow of an academic paper usually does not constitute co-authorship so one shouldn't expect that, that's not the purpose of co-authorship. It does, however, warrant your name being listed in the "acknowledgment" section at the end of the paper (at least in my field it would).
All I can say is that, it's unlikely that you will ever be acknowledged for your work on your bf's papers let alone for your helping him further his career behind the scenes. Academia is simply too snobbish and elitist in general (and I can say that from having been part of that culture myself.) And not just in academia but in many couples where the man is a professional with a high powered career and the woman functions primarily as a "support staff" to the boyfriend's of husband's career, the woman will come to feel devalued unless she is receiving validation that is personally meaningful to her.
You aren't going to change a whole culture of people so it's unlikely that your intellectual contributions will be acknowledged. What you can change, however, is your own personal situation to minimize the devaluation of yourself. Maybe you should simply stop being so involved in your bf's work because that level of involvement isn't paying off personally for you and you're coming to resent it. If you resent it, then don't do it in the first place. Instead put your time and energy into furthering your own career and your own personal goals.
Put your effort into things that will build you up as an individual and not through your status as being his partner (because the latter isn't working out). If you see your job as a dead-end and not a career that is fulfilling, then you can either seek to change this and start a new career or go back to school, or you can choose instead to keep your job as just a job to pay the bills only and seek personal fulfillment in outside activities e.g. in volunteer or non-profit activities. Since you have a keen interest in his academic work, why not go back to school and pursue these studies and perhaps start an academic career of your own?
Once you start having your own life and accomplishments that have nothing to do with him, you'll receive the validation that will make you feel better in general even if he doesn't change at all. And who knows then he might start to respect you more too. You can't change someone, you can only change yourself and this might then lead to change in the other person but even if it doesn't you would still be in a better position for having changed yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Oh honey, your situation sounds very familiar to me. Except that, almost twenty years ago now, I graduated with a first in the same subject as my partner and he got a 2.1. I had to bring up a child on my own all the way through my degree, and had had a terrible time prior to that with my family and home life. I was so incredibly passionate about my subject that this guy, five years younger than me, basically got private tuition for years and years...being a young Mum at Uni with young people is really hard...I felt vry isolated and very lucky that this guy wanted me. He totally ignored my child and binge drank even then. After college, even though it nearly killed me in every way, I worked as a secretary to put money on the table to support my kid - I have no family and my ex husband completely bailed out on me, offering no help of any kind. To cut a long story short, my partner's career excelled - he got financial help from his parents and he had me 'behind the scenes' offering huge amounts of support and actually contributing much to his work. He knew how much I loved that area but did the absolute minimum to help me and took everything instead. What I did not realise was that my self esteem was so utterly low that I depended on his needing me in order to boost myself up. I was almost totally isolated in my job, looked down on by the few men that I did work in the office with, cut off from meeting other Mum's and had a different kind of life to any of my partner's friends who had mainly just left college and were leading the single life. Life was a treadmill for years. But, somehow, I managed to carry on doing my own work in the field that I loved - minimally, and then increasingly as my child grew up. Then I worked and did an MA, now I am doing a PhD and starting to teach in that area. It has been one long, long haul with my partner binge drinking wildly throughout and barely anyone in the academic hierarchy ever registering that not everyone who does a PhD is middle class or rich - ie. totally failing to perceive the effects of my background. I am only now realising what an utter fool I was, and that I was drawn to this person's warmth and charm because my upbringing had been extremely cold and lacking in love. Nevertheless, I have learned one hell of a lot from the experience and now, finally and kind of half on my last legs and half ready to have the time of my life, my own work in this field is gaining recognition. I am totally exhausted and very excited at the same time. I have also finally dumped the guy. My message to you would be get shot of yours as soon as possible. Some men need to feel that they have a woman who is inferior to them in order for them to feel better about themselves. Put it down to experience and develop your own career. At the moment you have no kids it seems, so you have only you to look out for, but I bet you have very low self esteem and the 'secret' work that you do with this guy boosts that. Believe in yourself and get out of the relationship pronto.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): I'm an academic myself and I cant imagine how, if you don't have a Bsc (at least) you are able to write to that level. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not calling you stupid, its just that how are you knowledgeable about his subject? I suspect you are only writing what he has taught you or had told you to write.
Whatever the case, I think you should stop it. The man is a fraud and should be outed as such.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (14 September 2011):
This is a really bad situation and you should stop it now. If he is getting the credit for your writing then not only is he unfairly gaining the praise of his peers, but you should also be acknowledged for what you are contributing.
I personally don't really understand why you are doing all this work for him, as I fail to see what you can gain from it, but can see many pitfalls, as you yourself list- essentially you are being exploited, but you are allowing it to happen.
Put a stop to this now and stop doing his work. Focus on your own career. There are plenty of degrees you can do part-time, distance and online these days, so you should be using your time to establish your own credentials, not bolstering those of your fiance. The fact that he pays the bills etc is irrelevant. I have to say that I am surprised this guy even lets you do this for him if he has any self-respect as an academic, because it's really unethical in my opinion.
Put your effort into YOUR career. Stop giving up your time for his.
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