A
male
age
51-59,
*be38
writes:I am not allowed to go have quality time with my close friends after work at there place. I am not allowed to go have a drink with my close friends after work. I am not allowed to go to the room and use my computer when I am at home If I am he won’t leave my site the whole time I’m on the net. I am not allowed to be on my internet on my phone because I think he feels that I’m doing something that I’m not suppose to and needs to see what I’m doing. If I get a text from one of my friends he needs to see who it was because he don’t take my word that it’s my good friends. I can’t go to the mall after work alone or anywhere because he wants to be with me everywhere I’m at or he will start to say I’m probably meeting someone. I am not allowed to go on my own to visit my family out of town because he feels me going to call my old friends and go out to the bars. If I’m at work and I don’t answer my work phone when he calls he will call and call and text and ask what I’m doing and why don’t I answer his calls.When I leave at 5 PM he will call my phone and see where I’m at and ask If I’m on my way home. When I am off for a holiday he will take off as well to be home with me and if he has to work he will call to see if I’m home the whole time and wants to know what I’m doing.When I played softball in a gay league which I have been playing for years before I met him he would have to be at all my practices waiting till I finished. I cannot be on my phone while he is asleep next to me texting with close friends because he will jump and look to see who I’m texting with and get mad. My alarm goes off on my phone in the mornings and when I reach down from the bed to snooze it and if I take time looking at my phone he will jump and say what are you doing or who called you.What can I do to save this relationship because I truly love this person and I feel he is perfectfor me but I just need some space and complete trust. I have talked to him over and over again about trust in me and still I don't feel he is changing.Everything is perfect until I say I want to go have dinner with my friends or go visit my family alone to spend quality time with my mom that is 82 years old. Please give me some advise. Thanks ! Abe
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You need to get some counseling. He is extremely controlling and seems to want you secluded from the world. Leave him or tell him to change his ways.
Don't let a man control you. What will he do if you have dinner with your mother? Or go out with your close friends?
I don't think, from what you have said, that he is perfect, he sounds like he might need some help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Everything is perfect until you want to leave him or talk to someone else. He wants you completely to himself, just the 2 of you and no one else. If you are someone who needs privacy and space he isn't the one for you and never will be. I'm not quite as bad as your boyriend is but a few of those are exact things I do. Like checking the phone alarm, if my boyfriend looks at it too long I worry what he's doing. It's pretty rare that I ask though since I do trust him. But I don't like him going out without me either or being apart from me, even in another room. At first it was difficult but and we broke up frequently but we eventually got back together and I compromised as best I can.
Now he lets me know whenever someone texts or who he is talking to. He never goes anywhere without me but is still able to go where he wants, it's just both us together. And the constant neediness he just got used to I guess. We don't do anything apart except when I go to work. I am a little better that if he wants to see his one friend for a few hours nd I really don't feel like going I don't make him stay home too. But I wouldn't want him around girls ever or drinking without me ever.
Now I gave the examples from my relationship because it's similar to yours. But my issues do not stem from lack of trust. He has never done anything to lose my trust, nor has any guy I have ever dated. I just want to be around my partner 24/7 or as much as possible. I researched it one day and actually found that I have a fear of being alone. And along with it, a fear of someone leaving (not dumping me but just leaving in general). No idea where it comes from aside from my abusive household I grew up in, although my sisters don't suffer from it. But basically anytime I feel like someone is taking him from me, be it friends or anything, I get scared and cling tighter. Even when I had friends or family I still just want my partner and ditch everyone else. I want to be around him at all times. I did want it to be "just us" but eventually came around to accepting hanging out with friends with him but to still do everything together. I also can't go to certain places alone without him or someone with me. I could not ever accept if he wanted privacy or time apart. That's why I say that your boyfriend won't either. There may be ways to make it easier but absolute privacy I just don't feel like that will happen. I know everyone will say he is controlling and a terrible person but it always comes from something else. He isn't abusive, he is just smothering the shit out of you. Which is understandable that you can't handle it. If you really love him and want him perhaps you can go to counseling to find out why he is like this. I'm not saying he has my problems as why he is the way he is, but it could be something else. But I can almost promise you that just saying you need space will not solve anything. Even threatening to break up- he promises he will be better next time, he will honestly try, but will revert back to the same ways. Either deal with how he is now, get him some help and try to fix it that way (if it can be fixed), or just give up and move on. But I must reiterate that simply telling him to not be that way will do nothing.
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A
female
reader, always ready to listen  +, writes (18 November 2010):
it sounds like you are having a very hard time and that is not what a relationship is about.
i see that you have talked about this so many times and to no avail.
if you can convince him it would be possible for you to go to a counselling session where this would be talked about and his insecurities may be helped if this is not a reasonable solution for you then i truly feel you need to look at quitting your relationship as this situation will get worse and destroy you as a person and him.
he is obviously very insecure and really needs to open up and let you know about any past experiences that have made him feel like this it could go back as far as childhood but please tread carefully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): That guy has some serious issues and that is not a loving relationship. He is controlling you, and it's only going to get worse... how long has this been going on? I would have been gone yesterday .......
As difficult as it is, you need to tell him to back off. But unfortunately, based on what you've said, it's not likely he is going to do that...for whatever reason he thinks this is normal ...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Sounds like he is your prison warden and you his prisoner. Or like a father/child thing going on.
My question to you is this, WHY do you let him control you like a puppet?
If you want to have dinner with your mom, why don't you? What will he do if you hang out with friends?
You call him perfect? well, I have to agree, he is.... PERFECTLY manipulative and controlling, THAT is not love, honey.
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