A
female
age
36-40,
*any
writes:I’m a woman aged 28 years old and I’ve very big trouble. I’m dreadfully afraid of pregnancy and it affects my sex life more and more. I’ve a boyfriend, we’re together for two years, but sex has always been a stress for me. I want him and I want sex with him, but I’m so afraid to get pregnant. I don’t want to have children ever, I've always known that, but the thought that I might get pregnant is just killing me. I’m so worried I almost cannot enjoy sex. My boyfriend knows about me not wanting to have children and he accepts it. He’s the most wonderful boyfriend I could wish, always caring more about my pleasure than his own. I think that he has noticed something, once he asked is everything alright. I don’t know what to do anymore. Every time we’re making love I’m so tense. It has even happened that during sex I’m already thinking about where could I have an abortion. We’re using contraception, but only a condom. I cannot be on the pill, because of my health I shouldn’t use unnecessary hormones. What terrifies me the most is that no contraception is 100% safe. I’ve thought about tubal ligation, but I believe that even after that, that some women can still get pregnant. I’m so worried. What should I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Quite a few things.First of all, get counseling for your phobia. And not because all women are put on earth just to reproduce and therefore they all should be ecstatically ,deliriously happy at the idea of getting pregnant. It is ok not wanting children and it is ok not wanting to get pregnant- even if it were for selfish , superficial reasons like not wanting to gain weight or get stretctchmarks and such. As long as it is a conscious, rational, freely taken decision. But it sounds that your extreme fear is already beyond that scope and into the realms of obsessions and phobias. Which have the pesky habit to swift, and latch on to the next thing once you have removed the immediate cause for them. Like, suppose you have your womb removed ( btw, I do not even think it is possible to have elective surgery on wombs- I think that no doctor in his right mind would accept to remove a HEALTHY womb to alleviate a patient's psychological unease ). Since the pregnnacy is a symbol for something else, more obscure and deep - seated, you would probably be wombless, not afraid of pregnancy anymore ... and would found yourself suddenly terrorized by infants, or dolls, or puppies- who knows what , anyway probably something you have no control over and cannot avoid, So, it is really worth looking into this extreme fear of yours with the help of a competent professional.
In the meantime, do not have sex with condoms only and no back up contracception. If you absolutely cannot get pregnant- then do not rely on a method that by itself is not terribly safe. There are quite a few babies around that should have " Thecondombroke " as their middlename.If you say you cannot risk.. well, do not risk then ! As for your intolerance to hormons, talk to an OB/GYN and explain your predicament,he should be able to advise you. First, there are also non- hormone based contracceptive methods. Second, the new generations of pills are lower and lower in their content of hormons, studied also with people like you in mind. It is far from a given that ANY brand and any kind of contracceptive pill should necessarily give you intolerable, dangerous side effects .
Then again, you say that becase of your health you should not use "unnecessary " hormons. But in your case , they may be very necessary- the lesser evil , compared to always living in terror like now- or to maybe give up totally any sex activity just to be on the safe side.
As a last resort, tubal ligation is extremely effective. Sure, in this life never say never, so medical literature also reports few cases of post-ligation pregnancy ( mostly because the procedure had not been executed correctly to begin with ). Then again, it is also possible that you go out for a stroll, and end up squashed to death... by a suicide jumping off a rooftop in that very moment. It is not that it cannot ever happen- but it is not very relevant statistically. That should be enough to give you peace of mind ( as much as reasoning and statistics may give peace of mind in case of irrational terrors ). And anyway, in case you should be the rare unlucky one that gets an ineffective ligation, THEN you could resort to abortion as extrema ratio.
Anyway, before messing up seriouslsy and irrevocably with your body - I still think it is safer and more productive to start fixing the problem from where it originates - from inside your head,.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (5 September 2012):
if for whatever reason you wont get your tubes tied and I agree you should, at least use a diaphragm with a condom.... that would reduce the chances of pregnancy to nil.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): It isn't clear whether you are afraid of being pregnant, or don't like children, or both ... but either way, quite before you start worrying about contraception, it sounds like you need some counselling. Your feelings are quite outside of the norm and are dominating your life, and probably a professional could help you with that. The pregnancy/baby phobia is what is making you so untrusting of contraception or sterilisation. Ok, so, as one person said, have a hysterectomy. You will then have no female hormones after a while, and absolutely no possibility of ever being pregnant. However, you will also get other side effects from not being a woman in the full sense any more. You are rejecting your identity as a woman. Your body is made to create life. You are afraid of that. I really really think you need counselling. Because having your insides removed is an option, but a very radical one. What if you grow out of this obsession? It will be too late.Don't have sex when you are fertile. And only have sex with two methods of contraception when you aren't fertile. EG, with diaphragm and condom. Problem is, we most want to have sex when we are fertile : )To be honest I think being pregnant and having a baby would be the absolute best treatment for you, but that is just me ...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): "No to a tubal ligation. But I never want to be pregnant. Terrified of it. What can I do?"
"What terrifies me the most is that no contraception is 100% safe."
Only one thing you can do to absolutely and positively guarantee you will never be pregnant: stop having sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): 100% way of never being pregnant would be to have a hysterectomy and have your womb completely removed. Zero chance then but it is a massive procedure and not something doctors are willing to do unless it is absolutely necessary. But if you're mental well being is affected by the stress a phobia of pregnancy brings I am sure you could use that to argue your case and request one. Once it's done women are usually out of work, even pottering around the house, for 6 weeks and it is not something you can ever reverse so not a decision to take lightly.
Have you ever been referred to some form of counselling to try and deal with the fear? Would be something I personally would try.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): Use birth control. Be prepared to quickly get an abortion if it ever fails. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): Tubal ligation is effective. Are you afraid of getting pregnant because you dont want children? Or the pain of child birth? Because if it ever does happen adoption is an excellent option. From personal experience~ i had natural labors and no pain medication. Ive also had an abortion and in my honest opinion it is much more painful than labor by far. You could also use condoms and spermicide.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 September 2012):
 The solution is simple :Get your fallopian tubes tied. I cannot provide the medical information but it's called tubal ligation, I think. It prevents any possibility of pregnancy, usually.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 September 2012):
 First off it sounds like you have a phobia and should get yourself into counseling. It's affecting your life and you are changing behaviors around it. You really need to speak to someone on how to manage your anxiety and your phobia.
Second though, you should go to a doctor/family planning clinic to discuss your options. Permanent sterilization is VERY effective.
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