A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband regularly masturbates and our sex life is non existent. His explanation is that he is not at all interested in sex, but masturbates when he has a bodily pain and can't concentrate anymore on anything else. We spoke several times about it and I expressed that sex life does mean something to me. He would always say that he should do something about it, but never did anything. When his disinterest started, he would push me away if I would try to kiss him or get closer, so I don't have courage nor desire to approach him as for sure he will push me away - that isn't really something one looks forward to. Recently, when we spoke about it, he initiated the conversation and said how he is not satisfied with our relationship in that context. I wanted to know why as he made it what he wants it to be, in other words no sex life, he somewhat admitted that it was a mistake he made, to just cut me off like that. I told him how hurtful it was, but he didn't want to speak more about it, he didn't want to hear how exactly it was hurtful, nor he apologized, he just said that we don't have to dwell on that, it was a mistake and he is not proud of it. He again said we should do something about it. Since then almost a month has passed and he is not doing anything about it and again he is masturbating alone.I accepted this and am living with it, but what starts to drive me crazy is saying - we should do something about it - and then doing nothing. Every time he says that, I start to hope that something can change and then again disappointment. It would be easier just not say that if he doesn't mean it. He doesn't want to do anything about it, otherwise he would do (this situation lasts for more than 2 years now). Comments, advises?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): tell him that if he stops masturbating for a few days he will turn to you for sex. be aware after masturbating for so long he wont enjoy sex that much in the beginning so u will have to use ur hands and mouth in order to get him off but after a wile, he will become more sensitive to penetration and will enjoy it like crazy. but he has to stop mastubating.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP if you say you are hurt by his “insensitivity ” and are just trying to find the words to communicate that fact and understand how to personally deal with it, you are saying you are trying to find a way to tolerate it.
NOT tolerating it would mean NOT accepting it and leaving if he can’t rectify it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know why I'm tolerating this. As I said, he has his reasons and I can respect them. Or you meant - why I tolerate his insensitivity? I'm not tolerating it, I'm really hurt by it, and I am just trying to find the words, the way how to communicate that fact, and understand how I personally can deal with that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 It sounds as though you want something he can't or won't give you and he knows you will accept the situation, despite feeling hurt.
Go get professional help, with or without him, and maybe you can come to an understanding of why you tolerate this and what you can change in yourself, as you are not going to be able to change him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't have any reason to think he is not heterosexual, I would say I'm certain, though I in life I always leave the space for surprises.As I said at the beginning of my question, he is not interested and has reasons for it. And with all my persona behind, I choose to live with that and respect his resons. And I do understand that man have to release and that's why he is masturbating.I guess most of you responding here wouldn't advise me to accept it, but I'm choosing to do so.What does hurt and make me empty is this repeated insensitivity and ignoring. I'm already accepting this mode of sex-life, but don't say you will do something if you don't want to do. I also now don't want to have sex with him if it is not going to be a pleasure for him, it feels like raping somebody. And I also don't need a compromise - let's have sex because you want it - I need him to want it. If he doesn't, he doesn't, it's not something that can be made like a compromise. When I'm again disappointed by his neglect, then I start to see so many mistakes in him and I feel our relationship is hurt, every time more and more and am afraid where does it lead. If you understand me right, one problem is that our sex life is non existing, the other problem is that he masturbates, while not having sex with me at all, and the third problem is him giving and always breaking the promise that he would do something about it. First problem - I can somehow live with it, second problem - I can also understand it somehow and look the other way to not see the remnants of his one man show, but the third problem is something which really hurts.Thank you all for your advices and time to answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I recently went through a similar situation with my wife. Is there a reason that triggered his masturbating and porn watching? Granted all guys do it, even when totally happy with their partner, but there is a line that can be crossed.YOU need to talk to him. Ask him why he does it (he may just have a very high sex drive). Do you withhold sex? How often do you have sex? Obviously it sounds like you are on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding your sex drives. You should be happy he is suppressing his urges with a cheesy video, and not out and romping with the neighbors. I don't think women quite understand that men NEED to release, and for some not releasing becomes VERY painful after a few days.My experience:After the birth of our baby last spring she could not have sex for nearly 8 months because of various medical issues. We still tried and managed to have sex only a few times a month, but it was too painful for her to enjoy. A few month prior to her delivery, it was difficult for me to get in the mood because I was afraid of hurting the baby, and it seemed almost incestuous to me, but we still managed to do it 4-6 times a week before "D-day". Prior to her getting pregnant we were like rabbits, and completely head-over heals in lust with each other. We would have sex EVERYDAY for hours sometimes. So you can imagine what this drastic change did to me. I HAD to masturbate, and became more or less addicted to it because it would be painful if I didn't orgasm for three straight days. I felt I was doing the right thing by suppressing my urges and not pressuring her into sex when she couldn't. She began to take it as I was not longer interested in her, and was likely cheating. Of course I would have gladly received oral from her, but she would rarely initiate, and I didn't want to pressure her. Her assumptions were so far from the truth, it sickens me. All I wanted to do was have sex with my wife, but I couldn't. I felt so bad, I began searching for hours and hours for women that looked like my wife in those videos.In all our misunderstanding each other really caused a ripple in our relationship. We were both reading the other person wrong, and one conversation would have set aside all of our problems that grew from this mess. We are just now getting beyond it all, and things are getting better.Even when we have pornstar sex everyday, I would still need to release a few times a week on top of it. Sometimes RIGHT after sex. My wife is just a once a day person. I'm a 3-4 times a day person. I still have to do it even if we had sex that day.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2013):
you have several options
1. live with it the way it is... (not one I advise)
2. take a lover on the side in secret (again not what I'd advise)
3. tell him you will take a lover on the side to make up for what's lacking in your marriage since clearly he can't or won't step up and do what's right (acceptable option as long as he's ok with it and you are too)
4. go for counseling to figure out what the real problem is (probably won't work) most men are loathe to go to therapy in general and even more resistant when it's a sexual problem on their end.
5. divorce him and find a man that's compatible with your sexual needs (probably at your age what should happen)
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
His disinterest is not a reason you should have to hang your sex drive up. If he is unwilling to be intimate, and unwilling to work towards a solution, then perhaps you should let him know that you won't wait forever before looking elsewhere.By all means, offer him every opportunity to work on a solution. Let him know that without at least consistent effort to do so, there are implications as to what you then will need to do. In the end, however, knowing where you stand on the issue, if he flatly refuses to at least try and meet your needs on that front, then look elsewhere.If you need to leave him to go looking elsewhere, then do so. Marriages that aren't satisfying both partners in the bedroom will have spillover damage to other facets of life, and can get caught in a pretty destructive frame of reference.
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A
female
reader, Confused_26 +, writes (12 March 2013):
I feel your pain as my Bf is regularly also saying he is not in the mood. I have also thought maybe he isn't heterosexual. But then again we do have sex, just very lil. I think therapy is the way to go. I myself have been trying to get my bf to go with me but he refuses. If you can read my question also I would appreciate it. I need insight. :( Good luck to us both
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
Are you 100% certain he's heterosexual? He may have a different sexual orientation and doesn't want to tell anyone, especially you.
Go to a marriage counselor, set up an appointment that he can go to as well, then you attend whether he does or not. It's time for actions, not words. His words tell you one thing ("I'll work on it") while his actions say another (nothing's going to change). You do realize your words and actions don't match either, right? "This is really bothering me" (words) vs. I'll put up with it (actions).
Time to change the situation through action.
Good luck.
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