A
female
age
36-40,
*oxy990122
writes:I am currently at a loss right now. I have serious issues within my marriage its not funny at all. I have been married for almost three years will be three years on March 16th. Personally I am unsure as to where to start. First my husband and I have fights about almost everything. I am a stay at home mother with one 5 year old (currently in school) and a 2 year old, and I am pregnant with our second child (the 5 year old is my step son). We got married pretty quick and I know that was a huge mistake. we are currently living with his mother and he has isolated me away from my entire family (doesn't matter because my own family hates me for many reasons). I have noticed a major flaw in both my husband and I. When he wants sex, and I do not (either due to pregnancy pains for just not feeling up to it) he gets very upset and tells me "I'm not satisfied" storms off and smokes a cigarette then either waits till I go to sleep to jack off to porn or just stays mad at me for a while. There has been a few times he has gotten violent with me because I told him I would probably go down on him later (depending on how I feel) and if I don't he gets extremely pissed. My husband thinks that me going down on him should be whenever he says go because he gives "me regular sex whenever I want it" (to be honest I don't want sex, he pushes and pushes until I say okay.) I have given up on fighting with him on sex lately but tonight he blows up because I wasn't "wanting it" while I was giving it. He wants me to reenact the porn's he has been watching I don't think its right for me to do that. I am not a porn star I am his wife. And See I was passed out one night a few months ago (so tired from cleaning and working with kids all day) I wake up at 3 in the morning to my husband jacking off right next to me watching a f'in porn. As soon as he seen me looking at him he tries to turn it off. Knowing that I don't appreciate the porn thing he gets pissed at me. (shouldn't I be the one getting mad at him for this?) So I go "Do you know how that makes me feel?, Me laying right next to you and you (at the time if he would of asked I probably would of given him some) choose porn over asking me. Kinda makes no sense. I do not understand him and we talked about this for a few hours after his HUGE blow up about it. He said fine I will ask you first next time. Well that next time turned out to be a horrible time. He told me, did not ask me. Told me I was to get on top of him and do him, that or give him head. (while this pregnancy just has not agreed with the whole going down *sicking taste and feeling in my mouth* I just couldn't do it.) We fought again, this time it was all my fault. Personally we fight about much more than this. My husband has gone on to even tell me to just leave because he is sickened by me and that I should just get out of his life because I won't give him sex or that I didn't do something right. This is one thing I truly do not get. When I couldn't go down on him (due to sick feelings and gagging now that I am pregnant *feels horrible*) I made him cum with a hand job, he got pissed, "I didn't want to cum" WHAT???? you didn't want to cum then wtf do you want from me? he says your mouth.........I don't know what to do. Now I use to be able to give him head at anytime. I use to enjoy it when I was pregnant with our first child but not now. He demands it of me. and pouts if I don't give it to him or gets angry. Anyone have any idea if I should just continue to submit myself to him whenever he says to go. I just don't feel like going down right now or probably anymore. It gets old and there is absolutely no pleasure for me when I do.
View related questions:
hand-job, porn, smokes, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (11 March 2013):
I am certainly not condoning your hbs behaviour but sexual frustration can turn guys into monsters! If you don't want sex then you can't criticise him for taking care of himself. Sounds like your whole trust and respect for each other is non-existent at the moment. At the right time, ie, when he isn't sexually frustrated, you both need to sit down and talk calmly about where you are and where it's going. If you don't do this it can only get worse. I guess I was lucky as my wife loved sex more than ever when pregnant!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): sheeesh, your husband is being a jerk! you're NOT his sex toy. he is WRONG to emotionally blackmail you in to sexual acts. he is DISRESPECTING you by sulking about it, especially as you're pregnant! don't do anything you don't want to. don't 'submit'. let him pleasure himself with/without porn if you're comfortable with that, but tell him your boundaries (maybe that he does it at times/places when you're not asleep next to him!). otherwise, he'll think he can get away with this behaviour and your resentment of it will get worse. if he continues to act so selfishly or is violent, i'd advise you to leave him. and maybe don't have anymore kids with someone who treats you this badly! do you have any friends you can confide in, or even stay with?
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 March 2013):
 you say there are other problems. it sounds like your main one is sex.
when you agree to get married, you agree for better or for worse and to do the best of your ability to fulfill the others needs. however, no where in the fine print does it say that you become a sexual slave to your partner. you reserve the right to say you're not in the mood from time to time. especially since what you said is true - that it tastes horrid now that you're pregnant.
on the other hand (no pun intended), i think that if you're not in the mood as often as he is, as it sounds like he has a higher sex drive than you, you should try to be a little more understanding of his porn use. he's using it as a means to get off when he's horny and you aren't feeling it. you are his first choice, and he's resorting to that as a last resort. so try not to get offended by it. it's just a visual stimulus to help get off. better than staring at a blank wall, that's for sure. and lets be honest, if he gets himself off to that, it means that you don't have to do oral on him! yay. win/win.
getting mad at your partner for not having sex is just plain shitty. it's one thing to be a bit bummed cause you were horny. it's another to start a fight. and to get violent? wow.
is it possible he's feeling insecure? perhaps he just wants to feel like you are still sexually attracted to him? do you think if he felt that you were more attracted to him physically, he wouldn't be so offended when you turned him down? something to ponder over.
without communication, i don't know how this can be resolved. this is why i always say that communication (besides trust) is the single most important thing in a relationship. because without being able to talk to each other, issues like this are unable to be resolved. you need to get to the bottom of what's causing his anger when you turn him down. there must be some sort of reason for it. and if you can get to the bottom of that, maybe you can make him stop reacting that way.
good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Your story touched me because as a woman, wife of 16 years, and mother who has had varying degrees of feeling discomfort, turned off, under-appreciated and just plain sick (outside of my control). I feel I can relate. I am not sure how I'd feel if my husband treated me that way. Saddens me how insensitive he is, but you also are neglecting his needs though it may not be intentional. There are a number of things you can try like sex toys to enhance your relationship sexually. Some toys are designed to do things he wants you to do, but if you use them together, perhaps he will enjoy it (at least til you are yourself again). Also, you can try other forms of penetration if you are willing, like anal sex. Doesn't seem to be your cup of tea, but you have to suggest things you are willing to try and he should be willing to meet you halfway. But if you try new things together, you have to do more than go through the motions. You and your husband must both connect and engage one another in a positive way while trying. At first, it may be challenging, so a little humor on both your parts might help you get through it and make communicating about your choices easier. I am no expert, but I know what it takes to make marriage work and last; a lot of hard work. Overall, to get to this place where both you and your husband are on the same page seek marital counseling/sex therapy and do not hesitate to discuss some of your concerns and discomforts with your OB-GYN. Dr. Lisa from The Doctors may also have info on their site that gives you insight and offers some solutions. Whatever path you choose, if you love him and the love is mutual, try to connect with what made you fall for one another in the first place. Easier said than done, I know. But it can be done. I wish you well. Good day.
...............................
|
