A
male
age
41-50,
*rustysmith
writes:Anyways I need help, what do I do in my situation....I've been married a year, my wife is nice.. we fight sometimes, and sometimes things are good.. I think we fight mroe than the normal couple but it's nothing we can't solve by the time we go to sleep.Well when we were dating she would say she isn't really ready to give a blowjob.. when we were engaged she sucked on my penis for like 30 seconds at a time max.. not enough to do much for me.. Maybe I was stupid, but at the time it seemed like she was making progress, so i was encouraged.I forgot to add that before I met her she hadn't had any sexual experiences at all. So she didn't really know what she liked or disliked. It seemed like she was making progress when it came to stuff like blowjobs..Anyways we've had a few fights on the subject of oral sex, and we just had a big one. I've posted here before about getting advice about how to make her see my side, and I used those arguments, but they didnt help.For the record, I dont mind going down on her, its obvious it feels good to her, but she says she doesnt like it and stops me because she's self concious.Anyways tonight during our fight she reached an even greater level of clarity by letting me know.. that never for the rest of her life will she1. Give me a blowjob until I cum2. Let cum touch any part of her body (other than in her vagina)3. Won't give me blowjobs any longer than she currently does.. which is about 30 seconds.. because she doesnt like it..So weve had a few fights about this in the past, but now we have complete clarity.. She would rather have me walk out than perform any of the following above.. cause it makes her feel dirty and wrong..So what do I do? How do I go the rest of my entire life without any real oral sex?? -Maybe theres some super awesome toy that makes it so u can't tell the different?-I end my marriage-the third option which I guess some married men do is cheat, but I don't like that option..Anyways I didn't realize how important oral sex was to me until after 2+ years of dating + engagement + marriage.. I know its on my mind way more now that its been 2 years.. and each month or that goes by it seems to become more important to me..So if she wont budge, and now I know that 1,2,3 above are in play for the rest of our marriage what do I do?Anyways please help with any advice as to what I can do or how to survive for the rest of my life
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blow-job, engaged, my penis, oral sex, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, GetAGrip  +, writes (19 May 2008):
GetAGrip. It can take some women years to feel comfortable about oral sex. If you are having any sexual relationship you are on your way. Don't pressure her, she will only back off and say stupid things. You loved her without oral sex when you first met, you married her before you new this, so be patient. Allow it to be a graduale experience for her. But, don't let it dominate your world.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): My god man. Your obsessed.Arrogant bastard do something for someone else for a change. Grow up. Act your age.Anything but who you are now. How the hell are you 26-29 years old? You act 15.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): It's hard for me to believe that people are really this stupid. Who can't actually work something so simple out, and something that isn't even a problem.
My god man, are you actually a man? Your so irritatingly arrogant. Do you love this woman? If not why the hell did you marry her? If your whole marriage is based upon the hope of getting some oral then that's just wrong.
If I marry and get a wife, marriage is about comprimise. If she isn't comfortable with something then that's fine. As said before, do you actually do anything to her? Or is it all about you?
Stop being such a jerk, get your head out of your arse and do something remoteley useful.
Idiot
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female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 Just one question...... Do you do anything to make sure that she is satisfied or is it all ME ME ME???????????
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I agree with the other posts HOWEVER I find the fact that she won't let cum touch any part of her body a little bit strange like she is afraid of it or something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Holly crap poster ... try calming down and read all replies. You've been given many good replies, and you should take the time and read them all and weigh them for your situation.
Your extremely stuck on your original points, which makes you look petty now.
You need to back off, take a COLD shower and relax!!!
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (16 May 2008):
 YOU have to back off a lil .. you are pushing her and pushing her and pushing her. I understand its "somehow" important to you, but you also have to understand, its disgustin to her ...
Lets see ...
If she wanted to take a dump on her cheast othervice she is not going to be sattesfed would you do it??? Would you od it even tho you would feel disgusted and dirty and wierd and sick ??? But she would want it othervice she would not be satisffied !! I know its lil too much putting it this way, but for her simple blow job is as much disgusting as a dump on her chest for you!
Think about it
Don push her all the time!
You will lose her!!!!!
Take your time.
DONT TALK ABOUT IT ANYMOREEEEE!! Let her do what she wants to do and shouw you that she is really trying!!!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (16 May 2008):
For God sake this is the most trivial thing to argue about because she won't give you oral sex.
Some women don't like oral sex, its a plain and simple as that and if you are going to break up your marriage because of that then I think you are being very selfish.
Marriage is about love, commitment, cherishing each other, compromising and being a solid unity. Somehow I find you are trivialising the sanctity of marriage by moaning about your poor downtrodden wife not fulfilling your wishes of oral sex.
Nastasia!!! so you like oral sex..... big deal. Does that make you a better partner? ..... No it does not. How would you feel if you was constantly pressured into doing something you are not 100% comfortable with? Would you just go along with it to make your partner happy? BTW I like oral sex too, but I would not make anyone feel inferior because they don't like it!!!! Its personal choice just like anal sex (which I hate and so does my partner too.)
There is more to sex than blowjobs.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I think the fact that you exacted a promise of 'longer than 30 seconds' is a big sign that she wants to work this out. BUT YOU'RE GOING ABOUT IT THE WRONG WAY!!!!!!!!!
I think it's perfectly possible that she will end up giving you blowjobs and not have a phobia about what comes out of you, but the only way you will get there is by taking off the pressure. You have a logical mind; you like to set things out clearly; you like solutions, nailed down (I deduced that from the way you write and present yr ideas). OK. But in THIS situation that ISN'T the right approach. If you want to achieve the end of both of you feeling happy and satisfied, then you have to go about this a different way.
You can't have an agreement set in stone; you can treat this like agenda points in a meeting, and negotiate through various levels of compromise to an agreed end. It doesn't work like that in this context. You're making it worse by trying to agree something. You have to be more subtle, more feeling, more relaxed about the whole thing. You aren't making a decision now about the rest of your life: you're seeing how things go, trying to work things out. She is meeting you more than half way, i think. But I wonder if your whole approach is what puts her off the blowjob/etc. business in the first place. Chill with it. Don't expect anything, and be happy with the smallest advance. GIVE HER TIME. Don't panic. Create an environment in which she comes to you, rather than you pulling/forcing/arguing her into doing what you want.
Softlee softlee catchee monkee. Take the advice I gave lower down the page. And I'd start by saying 'Let's just calm down about this. I'd be really happy if you'd just lie next to me and stroke me. Let's not worry about the rest of it for now.' You SO need to take the pressure off. It works a bit like a vacuum. Remove the pressure; create a vacuum; and suddenly what you wanted all floods into that void. You can't force it, though.
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male
reader, krustysmith +, writes (16 May 2008):
krustysmith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have suggested therapy repeatedly, she refuses to do any kind of therapy....
We talked/had a fight about it last night...and we talked this morning and facebooked while she was at work...
What she says she will try in the near future... is
-to try to give me much longer blowjobs
-She wont do them to completion.. but we raised the possibility of me getting really close then I guess finishing myself off..
-She seems pretty firm on the No cum thing, I think she would let me leave her before she would change it..
I pretty much said, I'm never going to be fully sexually satisfied if I have to go my entire life without blowjobs. So pretty much telling her its not going to workout without changes and this was as far as she'd go..
Am I dreaming to hope that eventually she doesn't fear my cum?
She wont go to therapy with me, i sorta feel like she hopes this will blow over, but I know it wont..
So if you were in my position what would be your next step?
I figure I have a few options..
#1.. Be happy that at least I will get blowjobs for more than 30 seconds more often.. so its progress.
#2.. Try to fight for the entire package because its what I want to be fully sexually satisfied..
#3.. ??????
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 May 2008):
pps oh and I forgot the bit about no drop of your semen can touch any part of her body - WHAT IS THAT? It is supreme rejection of you, and it is a serious serious psycho-sexual problem, as far as i'm concerned. She should adore your semen - it is the essence of you, it is your very life. If she finds it repellent, which (I'm sorry), she clearly does, then she is in a very uptight place. As a bloke I would be devastated if someone - in fact, the only woman i'm ever going to be with for the rest of my life - considered that part of me dirty and untouchable.
Nope. I'm sorry. This is a serious issue and needs to be sorted out. I'm not in any way saying your wife should suddenly morph into Linda Lovelace and start giving you deep throat, but that she obviously feels extremely inhibited and that this needs to be helped in some way. And you are just normal, and this is upsetting you, which is understandable.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 May 2008):
No, they AREN'T right - you CANNOT equate giving a blowjob to submitting to violent anal sex!!!! It really isn't the same thing. What is wrong with everyone??? Surely if you love someone in the way you should in marriage, for life, then you love their whole body and soul, every inch of them inside and out??? And surely your husband's dick should be your favourite thing in the world?? Or am I just old-fashioned???
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 May 2008):
I can't believe the comments people have written here - I am so SORRY that they are being so nasty and simplistic and (unkindly, I think) judgemental! Don't listen to them, honestly. I understand why you might feel desolate at the thought of a life without oral sex - because it's not just that you want some kinky (although of course it isn't!) side-dish of sex, and are some crazed beast expecting your wife to perform monstrous acts (if you were asking her to have sex with your Great Dane, or complaining that you couldn't live without ANAL sex, then I could understand the reaction - but really, blowjobs are fairly mainstream, aren't they??). No, it's not just 'a blowjob', it is, as I said earlier, something much more important to you as a person, and your relationship with your wife, and how she sees you, and, let's face it, how she feels about your dick. And THAT is the essential thing here. She is rejecting the part of you that by offering it to her makes you your most vulnerable. She is, effectively, hitting you where it really hurts.
So this isn't just 'sex', this is the core of you and who you are, and I think the thought of all THAT being rejected is pretty bad. Plus, of course, the face that blowjobs are very nice, and I guess you wouldn't have chosen to never have one ever again.
You AREN'T selfish, to my mind - you're normal and realistic. You've been honest about your feelings here, and have been shot down for it. That's not right. I'm not saying your wife owes you blowjobs, but that this is a serious issue that needs sorting out. It's a big issue, and my baby is crying now so I can't elaborate, but will write more later. Just wanted to tell you to ignore the critics, though - I am a woman and I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want your life partner, your only woman and sexual partner, to accept you fully! Hopefully you two can get there, together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): You have every right to want to feel sexually satisfied in your marriage. Sex is the one area in which it is generally not acceptable to go outside your marriage (I say "generally" because open relationships etc. do exist) so it's pretty important to have your needs met by your spouse. That said, it's not clear from your post whether the rest of your sex life/attraction/chemistry is satisfactory or not. If it's just oral sex that's at issue and the rest of your lovemaking/chemistry is pretty good, then I believe that some time and effort can heal whatever is wrong--I had a bad experience with oral sex early on and it took my poor husband a *long* time to ease me back into being comfortable with that aspect of things. It is possible, though... I particularly like Natasia's advice about how to ease into things, something like that is pretty much what worked for me.On the other hand, if your entire sex life is already dead and unappealing after only a year, you might want to think about how that bodes for the long-term future. I know we're taught that marriage is much more than sex, but is the situation something you can live with for the rest of your life? If not, you may be better off cutting your losses. I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 7 of them, and sex/chemistry problems do not just go away with time--plus, if you have problems before starting a family, expect them to quadruple with kids in the picture!Life is complicated, best of luck to you and your wife in sorting it out.
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (16 May 2008):
NO one should attacked you because of this ... You need to give it a time.First of all .. try everything you can to show her, that its important to you and its not that dirty as she thinks it is .. try to change her mind ... I don't have an answer HOW .. you will have to find that on your own ... Give it time and than youll see .. and if it doesnt change .. than maybe you should go to a toy store and get something that feels like getting a blow job toy - there are many !!!!! Good luck
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Yes you are being attacked, because your question comes over as being completely arrogant without the slightest concern or regard for your wife's feelings.Some women don't like doing it. It's that simple. And it's not like you can't get sexual satisfaction with her through other activities. She isn't refusing you sex. To have an obsession - and that's what it is - with oral to the exclusion of everything else isn't reasonable.Suppose she had a fixation on something you didn't like, say it was one of the more unusual sexual practices. Suppose, for example, she said had found she could only find satisfaction if she strapped on a vibrating toy and rammed it up your backside? How would you feel about that? Some men like it, but most are going to run a mile. This is not such a very different situation!Marriage is about give and take, and it's most certainly not all about giving or receiving oral, or even all about sex. There are some things that your partner won't like. There are some things, probably not the vibrating toy!, but some things, that she would like to do that you won't like whether sexual or otherwise. If you were so fixated on oral that you couldn't possibly live without it, then most certainly you should have let her know long before you were married. And, realistically, if it's the one most important thing in your marriage then you seriously need counselling. It may well be normal to like it and want it, but it's not normal to feel that you can't possibly live without it.
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male
reader, krustysmith +, writes (16 May 2008):
krustysmith is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to end the marriage over this. Not at all.
It's just hard to imagine going my entire life without ever getting a blowjob from the woman I love (or anyone else)..
I feel like I'm getting attacked for wanting to be sexually satisfied in my marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I think it's quite pathetic you want to end a marriage over this, I can see it in your divource papers now... reason for divource 'Wife won't give oral sex' haha
Maybe she dosen't feel relaxed with you? who knows
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I think what you need to direct your attention to, is her statement: cause it makes her feel dirty and wrong
Determining where this came from; ie her parents; religion; or other, will help you be more understanding, and may help her see that her paranoia over it is ungrounded.
I think both men and women find out after marriage that there partner was not totally honest in the their comments, as you found out to late.
She can still love you with all her heart, and you to her. We all are not perfect. With patience and trust, we can be supportive of the others short fallings.
Having an affair is not the answer. If you feel you must to satisfy a need that you "must have", then getting a divorce is the only way to go.
By her not wanting to perform, in this case oral, your feelings are of rejection, the feeling something is wrong with you that she won't touch you. This is an area you need to deal with and get over. Your allowing others reaction to pull you down.
Marriages are not perfect. We will hurt each other personally and deeply. Lack of experience and training in and about relationships and how to communicate with the opposite sex will always be our down fall and heartache.
Don't be so desperate as your post implies. Give it a rest and enjoy the other aspects of the relationship, and while so doing, you can do research and see if there is a way to help you two.
Withholding anything your doing now, such as giving her oral, will only hurt the relationship further (the tit for tat game).
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female
reader, les +, writes (16 May 2008):
Also, to comment on what you said about her not liking you going down on her... maybe you're just not doing that good of a job and need to brush up on your skills?
The first couple of guys who went down on me didnt really know what they were doing, and my reaction to the entire thing was, well, this is awkward and a waste of time. It took someone who knew how to do it properly to show me what a wonder that can be.
I have no idea and I'm not trying to question you.. just sharing my experience.
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female
reader, les +, writes (16 May 2008):
I dont have an answer to your question, but maybe I experience can offer you some insight.
For the longest time I was very much anti-blow jobs, hand-jobs, basically anything that didnt involve straight up intercourse. In fact, I was sexually active for many years and had many boyfriends but rarely ever touched them or gave them bj. Just the idea of doing it made me a little big disgusted.
Then when I met my current bf, who'm I adore more than anyone else ever, I still did not want to go down on him so I just never moved in that area. For months he didnt say anything, and then I think he started getting a little impatient but didnt say anything. I knew he wanted it, but I was nervous and scared b/c its not something I've really done a lot and I was afriad that I'd go down on him, that I would do a bad job, that it wouldnt feel that good for him, that I'd be there for like half an hour, etc. And its all of these paranoid thoughts that made me really turned off by the idea.
Fortunatly, he started making little comments, like, if he'd come very quickly, he'd say something like.. I can probably go longer, but I might need some help getting up. So I'd give him one of your wife's 30 sec bj. And he'd get it back up, so I was thinking to myself.. good job, and he'd be really nice and tender afterwards. And whenever they were anything longer than that, he'd start making comments like.. wow, where did you learn how to do that, or even send me text messages days later and be like.. omg, i cant stop thinking about it.
And him being so nice and complimentary about it really built up my self-esteem to the point where I think I give out the greatest bjs ever and I wanna go down on him b/c it makes him feel good AND he makes me feel good.
So, I dont know how you talk to your wife about this issue, maybe you're just like.. hey, I need a bj. Maybe you could try approaching the topic like my bf.. its more like teaching a little kid to ride a bike, first you have to make sure they feel safe enough to go without you holding on to them, then you remove the training wheels, etc. Instead of trying to reason and convince her.
I would guess that one of her mental blocks to oral sex is probably her lack of experience and not knowing what to do and the pressure is probably making her feel even worse and more nervous.
Hope this helps!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I think you need to let her go and have her find someone who respect her wishes. My god, she told you, she was not into blowjobs and stuff when you were dating...so you knew!!!! why did you marry this poor girl..whats wrong with you?
Fair play to her for standing up to what she is not comfortable in doing and she does not need you bullying her into doing it. You need a good kick up the behind and stop acting like a spoilt child.
Let her go and find someone else because the fact that you are even thinking about cheating on her says you will someday.
Now no doubt men will come on and say what a necessity it is blah, blah...whatever....
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (16 May 2008):
You should not fight about it at all ... I understand its important to YOU ... but for her its wrong and dirty like you said. Maybe you should do it in a shower. That way she can clean you up the way she wants .. and will feel more comfortable about "beeing clean?" .. you can tell her, that she doesnt have to swallow or have cum on her body. You will pull out and finish it ( I know its probably not what you want, but you can start like that).30seconds does nothing for anybody! And its not that you are selfish you are obviously trying to give it to her and show her how much you love her so she should do lil more than 30sec lick and get up ... because if she can be there for 30 sec. Im sure she can survive for another 5min.From my own experience.I NEVER gave a blow job untill my present BF. Why? I didnt love them. I was w them just for fun and sex. I would never touch them with my mouth down there, because I thought its the most disgusting thing ever. Than my present BF showed up, and I cant get enough of him, and I give him blow jobs all the time. When we have sex, when I cant have sex, when we are going for a trip .. when we are in a movie theater .. anywhere I want to. Why? Because I know that makes him happy and when he is happy I am happy.And he gives the favour back to me ... but you said, she doesnt like it ... maybe she was told from her early childhood, that these things are wrong ... its a difficult situation for sure!i am not sure if i helped you out ... but i hope you will figure something out - just dont cheat! Cheating will make things worst. And if you love her and she really wont do it at all .. than you can live without it .. and if not, than break up.Good luck
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female
reader, Tremor  +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Keep in mind that this woman is your /wife/. You are committed to one another, and I'm assuming that you love one another.
If she does not feel comfortable performing oral sex on you, then that is entirely her decision. It may be a bit of a blow a first, but you need to respect your wife and her choices.
You mentioned that before you, your wife had no sexual experience. This could be a part of her reluctance - oral sex is a scary and daunting experience at first! So lay off the subject a little bit. You don't want her to feel pressured, as this will most likely make her /less/ willing to try it.
Keep in mind that there are plenty of other sexy little things you can do with one another - erotic massage, role playing, different positions... be creative! As you become more comfortable and familiar with different techniques, she may be more willing.
But I reiterate- /don't/ put pressure on her. At the end of the day, if she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to.
A lack of oral sex is no reason to end your marriage.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (16 May 2008):
If I were you I would be petitioning my senator to put a Bill through Congress to make such behaviour illegal.
Not give you oral? It's postively criminal. How could anyone live without it? Shocking. Truly shocking.
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female
reader, glinn +, writes (16 May 2008):
you selfish f....r,wake up to the real world, what gives you the right to expect blow jobs whenever you want,i have tried it once in 20 years of marrage didnt like it talked to my husband told him i didnt like it and that was it,you dont need oral to have a relationship,i think your wife should be the one to end the marrage not YOU,your wife should go find someone who will love her not try to use her,were not in the 50s women do have rights now,i also think you will never change you only look out for number one,GIVE HER A BREAK AND LEAVE BEFORE SHE RUNS A MILE.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 May 2008):
I totally understand, and it is a really difficult situation for you. I completely agree that facing the rest of your life with no oral sex is basically untenable, and unrealistic, and unfair. However, it's also impossible to get her to do something she feels so unhappy about.
First, let me say i really feel for you. Being given oral sex is something I think that is very close to our hearts, in a way. It's sort of unspoken that doing that shows our partner finds us utterly desirable and beautiful. So it follows that if a partner won't do it, we feel, somewhere deep inside, incredibly hurt and rejected. So I feel for you, and wonder if explaining it this way to your wife you might engage her sympathy and she might think about seeing it in a different way, for you, because she loves you. My advice is:
- Explain it to her from the point of view of your feelings rather than your sexual needs
- Don't despair - there is a good chance that you can reprogramme how she thinks about blowjobs, and then she might feel differently about them. You need to help her see kissing you there as an act of love, not sex. When I give my partner a blowjob (and I won't tell you how often, as it will distress you!!), I have a mingled feeling of absolute love and almost reverence, and tenderness, mixed in with sex. It seems a lovely thing to be doing, but only with THIS partner have I felt like this - previously I have had partners where I've avoided it like the plague. I'm asking myself why, in order to help you ... well, it's very important that you are incredibly clean, and also that your wife feels loving towards you. Have a shower before getting into bed. Wear nothing but your underwear when you get into bed. I don't obviously know what kind you go for (!!), but my advice is that the sexiest for women are those kind of tight shorts things that go a tiny bit down the top of your thighs, but are snug fitting and basically show the outline of everything. And with nice little buttons over the key area are the best sort! And then you need to encourage her NOT to go straight in and give you hardcore oral sex ... you have to practically remove that all together from the playing field, for the time being. Get her to give you a massage. Nothing threatening, no pressure. But get her in the course of that to pull down the shorts, if you can. At least when you're lying on your front. And then basically you need her to bond with you ... well, with the part of you that requires oral sex!!! She needs to see it as friend rather than enemy! And the only way is if you invite her, somehow encourage her, to just look at it, touch it, stroke it, love it as if it were her own ... and it could take weeks, but at some point then maybe out of genuine love she will want to kiss it ... and then you have to just go gently on from there and wait and hope.
She needs re-education, and to bond, and to channel her love for you into that oral sex. Even calling it oral sex is inappropriate and offputting, I bet.
Have to go now but will write my thesis on why she feels so bad when you go down on her another time!!! Giving a woman oral sex is a VERY TRICKY psychological thing for the woman! Very fine balance, and it can all go so wrong so quickly! But that will be Volume II!
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