A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m quite upset today after speaking to my colleague. I suffered two years of mental health issues. I had no one support me. Today I was mocked for my views on support for men when I said I didn’t feel the same. I was suffering from a break up and as a result I had depression. I recall doctor offering me tablets for 18 months within few sentences (under 5 mins). They referred me to counselling but I had to go online to go through slides and self read LOL. I refused this, few months later nurse called me about my request to get checked for ADHD and she said we already offered you depression tablets. My work had disciplinary with me for absences, I had to tell my manager and she simply replied “why don’t you turn your phone off” rather than would you like to talk or need time off? Work load was the same until 2 months later I totally broke down and withdrew. Since I withdrew my status at work dropped , reputation became poor and I became scruffy and 1-2 hours of sleep a day for months was taking its toll. Not once did anybody ask? Are you okay? They did however scrutinise my work and if I am contributing equally. My own good friend who I got into the company , did not talk to me for one year. People are users. Anyway long story short, I fixed myself through gym and routine. I slowly came back and realised things have moved on and I will have to rebuild.All the above is absolutely fine and I can accept gracefully. What bothers me is…if ANY FEMALE has a slight sniffle, upset, stomach or ANY issue including not feeling great or anxiety, she will immediately be sent home. There are so many females who have any day off and any week or even month off. I often ask them if they had meeting back to work and they say they feel so supported and they were given time to work on themselves. This happens so often I can’t let go of my own troubles. Why did no one support me? When it was so clearly visible. Everyone at work knew eventually. Anyway today I mentioned this…this anyone say “I’m sorry you felt like this?” No they said “your view on mental health is poor”
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): Work colleagues are simply people who work at the same place. They do not necessarily like you or care about you, they are there to do a job well and get paid for it - rather than get sacked. Not to comfort you. One of the reasons people go to friends is for comfort, but most go to a psychiatrist or therapist for it, because they are the ones who understand the best and that is their role in life. Has it not occurred to you that you need to earn the money this company pays you? They are not going to keep handing out your wages to you if you are not earning that money? Chatting about how bad you feel in the firm's time is taking money you are not entitled to. You keep private and personal stuff for private people and private times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2022): Sir, I am truly sorry about what you've gone through; but I'm elated that you've fought your way back. Keep it up!
According to your post, I would say a lot stems from societal-beliefs and prejudices. Men aren't supposed to be emotional, or show weakness. Some work environments are worker-friendly and supportive; while others are staunch conservative, nosey, and intrusive. They might even get so intrusive, they may attempt to dictate how you should vote, reset/dictate your values, and tell you how to run your life; based on their company values, political views, or company image. When you see this to be the case, you have the option to search elsewhere for employment. Nowadays, you have to do your research on companies and their policies; but you'll still have to adapt to their rules, if you want to get paid. You don't get to choose your co-workers; unless you have the power to hire. Otherwise, you learn how to play the game.
When you're talking about mental-illness; always bear in-mind, there's still a stigma about mental-disorder. People distance themselves out of fear and ignorance. Please also note, that if your co-workers are predominately female; the policies and benefits may slant more towards their needs. A lot of consumer and political-pressure has been applied upon companies; because their policies didn't offer benefits, or extended-leave, conducive to the needs of a working mother, complications with pregnancy, and also mental-health and/or female-health issues. Now I guess you'll have to apply some pressure on your local and national leadership to be more considerate of men; and our health, or mental-health issues. Women haven't quite gotten where they want to be; but their work toward it is still in progress. Arguably, you really don't have it as bad as they do.
Empathy and compassion isn't always evident among your co-workers; unless you belong to a work-cliche, or you're especially popular with your team. That's just how it works sometimes in a work environment. Corporate-life can be pretty sterile, lonely, and competitive; and people don't always wish you the best. It's not wrong to say that sometimes people won't even pretend to be concerned; if you aren't particularly well-liked among your colleagues. It's very much like high school; but much more lowkey and underhanded. Things happen behind your back, people show you a phony face, and you have to watch your back. You must utilize your survival-skills. In your personal circle of friends, you can let-go and replace them.
No-one bothered to check on you; but that's not really the responsibility of co-workers, unless you have a friendly and close relationship among your circle of colleagues. Women get more emotional-support; due to the stereotypes and sexist notions that they are supposed to be weaker and more emotional. Not that it's always true, but it is common-belief and socially acceptable. Some women hate that; but many will certainly take advantage of it, when it suits their purpose.
I think you're experienced enough to know that the management-hierarchy is only concerned about performance and the bottom-line. If you miss a lot of work, sympathy is on short supply. If you refuse a certain kind of treatment, but didn't seek another professional-opinion, or an alternative form of treatment; you delayed the necessary treatment to help speed-up your recovery. If you've shared the information you didn't accept the treatment that you were offered with your employer, but sought no alternative form of treatment; you definitely loss their support. You also may have overshared with the wrong person, or people. All they know is, you sought medical-attention; and you were offered the usual treatment for depression, but you refused it. They don't care about anything else. All they know is, you missed a lot of work as a result.
You have now learned that sometimes people care, and sometimes they don't. It's human-nature. You're basically looking for caring in the wrong place. Your workplace has it's own established ethics, policies, and rules. Sometimes they hire people they consider more likely to create the type of work-ethic and environment inline with their views and core values. It may be more of a lady-friendly workplace; and men have to be strong and stoic. Your personality and how you generally interact with people also comes into play. If you keep to yourself, or there is a really cliquish work-environment; you're just out of the fray. That's sad, but you're mature enough to know how life goes. Your colleagues are not family, or your friends. They just share the job and workplace with you. They need only be professional and cordial, nothing much more than that. Ideally, you'd want to work where people are kind and considerate; but we now live in an age where it's cool to be mean and selfish. To be overly-vocal with your criticism, and to disregard the feelings of others. You have to learn how to maneuver your way around it, as best you can.
Your best bet, is to do your research on any company before accepting employment. Go online, and read employee reviews about the company; and research their political views. Ask questions during interviews about the work-environment that the employer finds most acceptable; and during your probationary-period, observe how the people around you treat each-other; and most of all, how they treat YOU! I suggest you let it go; your anguish and lament over cold-hearted people will only cause a relapse in your recovery. You can't force people to care outside your circle of friends and family; and you can expect people to be resentful, when they have to pickup your slack. "Men aren't supposed fall-apart!"
May I also suggest that you do not overshare about the personal and intimate details regarding the interactions and treatment provided by your doctors. All your employer needs to know is that you are capable of safely and efficiently performing your job-responsibilities. What specific medication you take and what sort of treatment program you are on is none of their business; if you don't have to operate heavy equipment, work with highly-sensitive and intricate instrumentation, or use a weapon.
If they inquire as to your progress, let your doctor provide a note. He or she knows how to maintain your confidentiality, and will only disclose what is pertinent to sustain your employment. The law protects your right to privacy; but it's also your personal-responsibility to selectively offer private details of your life and health, on a "need to know" basis. Oversharing might be abused or misused when in the hands of the wrong people. People also judge and treat you according to how you treat them; so you need to stay polite, professional, and cordial at all times. Your job is where you work and earn your money; it isn't always where you expect to receive emotional-support. That's a plus, not a requirement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): I'm sorry for your troubles.
You need to understand that most poeple just don't care about others (they have no connections to).
The kind of support you need is something you get from friends and family (if you're lucky), but not at work in our society (liberal capitalism).
I know what I am talking about.
My husband and I have suffered from long covid for over 2 years. He works in a typical business corporate environment. As fate would have it, the CEO there is his UNCLE. Nobody and I mean NOBODY gave damn about him being seriously ill. They were ANNOYED. In two years he had ony 2 sick days and they refused to see how muche he cared about his work. They hated seeing him losing his hair, loosing weight, dealing with constant pain...
I met with the same disadain even though I am a woman at my previous work. They just don't care. They had enough with COVID and now they have to deal with those who suffer from the long version of it. Hell, doctors don't know what to do with it.
Do you know what's funny? My husband caught it at work and gave it to me! He caught it there because poeple weren't wearing masks and he was laughed at for wearing one. At some point he had to take it off, the rest is history.
I have changed my job and now I work for an association that helps refugees. Need I say that people there have a completely different POV - HUMAN! When applying for work I told them I had long covid and they accepted my application and gave me the same chance everybody else had gotten. My colleagues are interested to hear how I am doing and they offered some great advice and their contacts in the medical community.
I guess you see my point.
You can't change them. They will do whatever they can legally to get rid of you. They are doing this right now to my husband.
I don't know what else to tell you, apart from : get another job!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): test
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2022): I am sorry you are going through this situation. I am a woman with ADHD and have never been very good at the few jobs I have had in my life. I self-diagnosed myself with ADHD in my late 20's when I realized I had the symptoms. I talked to a few doctors but some don't believe in ADHD or don't know enough to diagnose you in adulthood. Finally, a psychiatrist diagnosed me but I have never taken medication for it. That was my experience where I live. Antidepressant medications can help with some ADHD symptoms, so if you think you have it and feel you need help with any of its symptoms, you might consider taking them for a while to see if they help. I find that some people at work think and feel that you are a bit weird because they don't understand you and that's why they don't talk to you. It tends to happen in groups. They don't want to relate to the "odd person" because they don't want to be perceived as odd too. It has happened to me even with my own family members and even in church. The best thing to do is to understand that although sometimes we need emotional support and some coworkers get it from supervisors and other coworkers not everyone gets it and the workplace is not a place to go for support but to do our job and produce good results so we get paid. Sometimes when we feel frustrated and lonely, we tend to demand attention and support from the people we spend the most time with, but sometimes those are not the right people for us to seek support from. They are cold, self-centered, and don't care about anyone but themselves. More importantly, people, especially at work, tend to gravitate toward those who talk about happy and exciting things and try to avoid those who seem sad and talk too much about their problems. I think you could benefit from therapy and counseling outside of work if you can get it. You need someone who will listen to you. I know it is very lonely, frustrating, and sad when no one cares or listens to you and you are going through so much pain. Especially when you see others happy, getting along so nicely, and basically ignoring you. You need to start ignoring them too. If they are insensitive you don't need them. Maybe you can start making new friends at the gym or join another type of club or group so you can socialize and not rely on your coworkers for support, since they are unwilling to do so, for whatever reason. Joining ADHD Facebook groups can also help you feel somewhat accepted in a group with similar people. Focus on doing your job well (because you need the money) and on finding friends outside of work in order to get the support you need and begin to heal.
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