A
male
age
51-59,
*offeeCup
writes:Hey folks Maybe somone here can help...I have now been married for 16 years and with the same wonderful woman for 18. Have 2 older boys with her and we are still very much in love with one another we rarely argue and in 18 years i can count on one hand the "major fights" we had and quicky resolved, My major issue now unfortunatly in the last few years there has been very very little romance. I do know for a fact and can say at 100% there is no one else in either of our lives.My wife hit menopause about 6 years back and that is when things starting going to the pits now if we do manage to make love, (once every 6 weeks to 2 months or if I'm frustrated and stressed out too much which ends up showing a little I feel I need to ask for it resulting in me feeling guilty.) Then I can feel that our lovemaking is done in a rushed "let's get this over" type session, I'm a hopeless romantic and have tried to do various things to set the mood and failed. So for me it it very lacking in our realationship.She has tried a couple of times to improve it but as time gones on...the worst it seems to get. I tried not to let it get to me but sadly, watching TV, Movies sorta makes it hard to not hear about sex somewhere with those #$$%$% viagra or cialus commercials, and the costant shows which almost always have one scene or reference to sex. We try to go out once in a while but on a tight budget it is sort of limited. I've tried helping in the house (which results in being told I didn't do it right.)and have gone as far as trying to discuss it with her. To my amazment the final answer I got was pretty much near, "if your not happy there is only one thing to do about it..." Which was in short was to find another relationship.Needless to say this kinda caught me off gaurd and I ended the conversation there unsure where to go from that type of answer. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or if it's a normal phase in a realtionship but I'm unsure what to do. I know councelling will be out of the question in this matter.and recently I've been thinking of ending our relationship...Where should I go from here?Please any female advise or help on this would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, CoffeeCup +, writes (28 December 2009):
CoffeeCup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst and foremost, Thank you to the site and to those that have responded. The replies I have gottern so far are great so here is my responce to them...I am 38 and my wife is 45 and yes menopause did hit her fairly young from what I hear,My kids are 15 and 13.I can't even grasp what a woman goes through during menopause even when trying to read up on the subject (things always so technical lol) And I can tell you I am not taking it personally, I do know that ending it should never be an option. I have tried talking to her about it twice, and she is in completel agreement that it isn't normal but by the end of the conversation A)It didn't go very well, Just feelings of frustration and a little anger from both our parts or B) It doesn't take long before the pattern re-developes. She has had the blood work and tests along with the talk with her Doc and was given a perscription, the info about menopause and a little advise... As for sensual massages and in responce to the fella and his girlfriend about the 'corny cr@p' ;) (and thank you for taking the time for your advise) I have tried what you have mentioned many many times, I use to rub her feet every 2nd night and every now and again give back rubs, Sitting quietly on the couch storking her hair and shoulders, I have drawn bubble baths and have even tried to move furniture around and put a blanket on the floor, found a TV station that had a fireplace and put out some cheese, crakers and grapes lay out while having the kids away for the evening (that one ended up with an " it's sweet but i'm really tired")We are not lacking in love for one another, I'm a rather happy go lucky guy and always try to keep the mood lit in the house constantly joking and stuff, There are no ill feeling between us ever, we are not mad at each other and we do listen to one another when we speak, There is simply no interest in the bedroom. I think Angzw might be the closest in saying the routine has sunk in so deep that we're at a stalemate.But I fear the metion of "temporary seperation" would be the breaking point.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (28 December 2009):
You have already received very good advice from others, especially about the fact that her hormones might be off. Easily solveable with a visit to an obgyn. However, if all else fails, never rush for talk about a divorce first. Ask for a separation to give you both time to think about your relationship. Emphasize that its a separation with intention to reconcile. So you can move out for a few weeks so that you can both have some alone time to learn to appreciate each other and stop taking each other for granted. Maybe this will be the jolt you need to reignite that flame. You've been living in a comfort zone for years now so doing something different will wake you both up. I completely understand that things are difficult to sustain without the romance, and often the best way to get what you need is to do what you are doing; trying to fix things with your current rather than seeking someone new as a first resort. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Okay so I'm not really that close to that age nor do I know anything about what happens when women go threw menopause but if that one chicks advise didn't work I can give you some tips on helping start the mood. Also if it helps you feel better since you asked for a girls advise I have my girlfriend here to help give advise. Though I dout she can give any better advise sine we're still in the young love phase I guess you can say.
my advise
Well hopefully your kids aren't at the house when this happens since I have no idea how old they are but when she comes home have the bedroom light up with candles, have some rose pettles, the tub filled with bubble, and well the works. Or you can skip the corny cr@p and just have a bottle of masaging oil and give a good back rub then discretly kiss her neck, ask her about her day, pretend or actually listen to her, also remeber this whole time you are planting kisses on her neck and shoulders, and then at the right moment kiss her on the lips gentle then urgent. Hopefully you know what to do after that because I am not describing use your instinct. One important tip foreplay is very important.
My girlfriends advice
So for one I have no idea why I'm doing this my boyfriend just foun this site and thought we should help when we can since we have been through so much together, but this is not really something we have been threw so I dout his or my advise will help you much still there is a chance. I would actually go with my boyfriends advise sort of the whole 'corny cr@p' as he so politely put it was a some what good idea. It's is some girls fantasy for that to happen to them but then again it kind of is way to over used and corny. I think the whole moon lite walk on the beach or the picnic on any place that has a nice view would work better, just take her some were remote and romantic it works so much better then the whole rose pettle, candle thing. The back rub is always the best way to get a girl in the mood but so it doesn't seem so weird or obvious for that matter put her favorite movie or a romance, I for one love action but most women love romance it all depends on the girl. Also don't just give up on her that is what a girl most worries about when going in a relationship with an other person that he will get bored and leave her. Just try and set the mood I'm pretty sure all this is just a phase every relationship goes threw in one period of time. Something I forgot to mention before is actually listen to her when you ask about her day we can tell when you don't pay attention causing us to get pissed off and kill the mood.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I'm guessing she's the same age as you, and my answer is based on that assumption. If so, she's very young to have hit the menopause. I could have understood it if she was aged 50 or so, but in her 30's? It just doesn't sound right, and there could be something well out of kilter with her hormone / ageing system.
It would be a shame to end such a wonderful (from your point of view) marriage, so I'd suggest she gets the medics to take a good look at her. Her suggestion about finding another relationship sounds like a sort of 'stock answer' to me, and I'd bet that if you took steps in that direction she'd realise it was the wrong thing to say. However, you should tell her the thought has already crossed your mind, which might give her the encouragement she needs to seek help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I am not sure what is going on with your relationship or your wife, but I would have to say lack of sex is not really normal. Menopause very often leads to more romance on the woman's part. For one, she has a lowering of estrogen, which means testosterone is higher and this is the hormone that drives sexual desire and response.
Some women experience vaginal dryness which makes sex uncomfortable, and I have heard that some women are either very amorous or have no desire at all and it swings back and forth.
I don't know how your wife is feeling, but I would not take it too personally.
If you aren't happy I think there is only one thing to do and it is not divorce or cheating, I think it is to try and start a dialogue about sex with your wife and not when you are asking for it or when you are trying to set the mood, but sometime when you can just sit and talk with out accusations or blame. Try telling her how you feel and that you miss being close and intimate with her. Ask her if there is anything she wants you to do to set the mood, ask her what she wants, don't assume things such as helping around the house....try to understand her first rather than trying to be understood. ..really listen to her....take it on board and then get back to her with some solutions.
If you find that this topic is just not one you can talk about for some reason, then I think the next step is to talk to a therapist or marriage counselor and see if that helps. Sometimes they can offer some steps to take that can build on intimacy a little at a time. Sometimes just having a session where you get physical as in touching each other intimately without the pressure of sex, can help to get things going again. Try some sensual massage.
I hope you can work things out and don't give up just like that....
Your wife can also have her hormones tested, it may be that she is lacking in important hormones and she is simply feeling depressed and lack of energy...She really needs a complete blood work up and physical to rule out any physical problems. These are things she may not be aware of at all!
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