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*ookingfortrust
writes: I have been with my fiance for a little over a year. I can't seem to trust him no matter what I do. I am always accusing him of something, even though I know it is only in my head. I have had two bad relationships in the past and have a child from each one. I watched my mom go through a lot too. Every time we have an argument though he wants to end the relationship and tells me to move out. He has moved my stuff out three different times and always tells me to go, but then we talk and I am always the one apologising. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and want to make a family with him, but I can't seem to trust him. He also has two children. He is like a dad to my kids. It's not fair to them. Looking for trust.
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reader, kris +, writes (21 June 2005):
If you know in your heart he can be trusted, then start trusting him and showing you do. It is the opposite in my relationship and it is driving me insane and prevents me from loving him totally. Trust is so important, and it is breaking my heart that I am not trusted. Don't break his if know he can be trusted. You will get more love from him then you can imagine if you show a little faith.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 June 2005):
 The first thing to do is put the wedding plans on hold for a while. Stow the rice, put the tux and gown in mothballs. You two are nowhere near ready to get married, and if you insist on doing it anyway, you'll drive each other to the brink of divorce, if not over it. I can promise this.
You both have a lot of growing up to do before you're ready to march down the aisle.
You seem like a rational woman, and you recognise that your insecurity is in your head. That's good! But in the next breath, instead of thinking about what's logical, you go accusing your boyfriend of something. That's bad.
You need to insert a step between your rational thought and your irrational action. Just stop. Before you accuse him next time, think about your accusation, then ask yourself: "Is it possible? Is it likely? Do I have any proof?" If it's not and you don't, then you need to be self-aware enough to recognise that all you're suffering from is old recordings in your head, the ones from your previous relationships. Those old recordings are not real. They don't have any bearing on what you're doing now.
As to your fiance, why would you insist you move out every time you have an argument? Is he afraid of you? Afraid of commitment? Childishly selfish? A removalist?
Finally, what's the big rush into getting married and generating even more children? You already have 4 kids between you, and you say that he's like a Dad to your own. That's quite good as it is, don't you think? And don't you have enough to deal with right now? What void will be filled by having another baby? I think you need to ask yourself what you think is missing from your household of six that would be improved by adding a seventh member.
You and he need urgently to go and see a counsellor to sort out your insecurities and his passive-aggressive responses before you two start getting serious about marriage.
If it were within my power, I'd also order you two to find separate residences until you can behave like proper grown-ups around each other, because I shudder to think of the displays that your kids are subject to; however, you can be grateful that I'm not the Queen of the World, so I can't force you to live apart.
Just remember that what your children watch you two do is forming their opinion of the way adults interact. In other words, they think that's normal!
Be good to each other and think about what you're doing in front of your children.
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