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*agr Kole
writes: I am a 25 year old man and have been dating a women that is 32. We met at her workplace and hit it off right away. I knew from the time i saw her that she was the one. She was married and after meeting me and knowing for the 2 years in her marriage that it was finished we started to date. She has been filled with stress from all aspects of her life. She has 2 beautiful children. I know that she is stressed because the kids are testing her parenting and the fact that her ex-husband is dragging the devorce longer and harder on her. She feels that she messed up his life and feels bad for everything that she has taken from him. It hurts me because i think the only reason she feels bad is cause she cares about him still. I find myself getting more and more mad because she puts up emotional walls because she is afraid to get hurt again. I try and try to break these down but she just keeps telling me she has to sort things out, to stop pushing her into opening up to me. What do i do? Do i back off? Is she ready for this relationship? Im so lost and i have no where to go. Please help me. Is it me? Am I too needy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): Give her time to deal with all the stuff she has on her plate first. Honestly, divorce is hard enough but having to deal with children and their emotions in the mix is even harder. Her children are going to test her at this time; their worlds are changing and there is nothing that they can do about it. As for wondering about her feelings about her soon to be ex, of course she should have feelings toward him (regardless of what they are). She is ending her relationship with him and they are in the middle of a divorce. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the divorce, perhaps she has forced his life to be drastically changed. You did start dating before she had left him. Regardless, she needs to take care of herself. She needs to deal with her emotions regarding her past relationship before she will ever be able to successly move onto a healthy relationship with someone else. You need to respect that and give her the space she needs. In time she will access your support, as long as she knows that it is available. Love is not the cure all answer sometimes and unfortunately, its not enough to always make things work. Her guards are up for a reason and they should be. You ask about being too needy but thats something that you should be asking yourself. Do you need this relationship in order to fulfill some sort of void in your own life? True happiness shouldnt be that stressful.
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reader, cordy14 +, writes (21 June 2005):
Back Off, going through a divorce especially when kids are involved is extremely difficult. She needs to focus 100% on making sure that her kids can cope with this and that will leave her no time to start a new realtionship. What this woman needs is a support friend, just be there for her and she will eventually open up when she is ready.
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reader, Scotty_uk +, writes (21 June 2005):
hey buddy,your best bet is not to back away. if you carry on supporting this woman you may find her children will trust you. at the end of the day it is her own decision. the only thing you need to do is ask yourself 'how much do i want to be with her'. if you really do then you need to be there as much as possible. she most likely doesn't have feelings for this other man as she chose divorce but she may feel lost in that her children have grown up with this man and may have doubts as to how they would react with a younger man. what you may also want to try is to get more involved within the divorce procedures. she may want support from you and if this other man sees you in support he may feel intimidated and back off therefore taking the ball and chain away from the woman that by the sounds of things you care for more than him.
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