A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24, and married to a 25 year old. When I first met him, I couldn't take my eyes off him, and same with him to me. We dated for a year, then got married when I was 21 and he was 22. He still feels just as attracted to me as when we met, even more so actually. However, I no longer feel the same for him. I find myself lusting over other guys all the time. When it comes to him, though, I have no sex drive at all. I don't understand it, because nothing about him has changed. So it's not like it's because he "let himself go", or anything. I'm frustrated, and don't know what to do. I do love him, but it's a different kind of love now. He also treats me so well. He would really do anything for me. I feel so guilty for losing attraction to him, it's eating me up inside.What should I do? I know I should leave him, because that would be fair. He deserves to be with someone who lusts only for him, and doesn't constantly fantasize over other guys. I have not cheated on him, but I get tempted to when a guy I'm attracted to shows interest in me. Yet I can't bring myself to leave him because I know how badly it would hurt him. Not only that, I can't make it on my own financially. I also have no one else I can live with. I have no close friends anymore, and my dad is mentally disturbed, so I can't go back to living with him. Please help me.
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male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 "i no longer feel the same for him. i find myself lusting over other guys all the time." feelings come and go,feelings can be weak, or strong. you can't depend upon feelings to carry you through your marriage, or your love. feelings are undependable. love goes beyond up, and down feelings. love is giving,even giving of your self. love is sharing , caring, trusting. your feelings are going to be weak toward your husband when you have your sites on lusting after other guys instead of putting that energy into your marriage and husband. the grass is going to look greener from the other side of the fence, and it is more than likely not as green as it looks. every one has flaws you, your husband, and the guys you are lusting over. the problem is you can't see the flaws in the guys you are lusting over, they look perfect. what about when the new wears off? say a year or two? if you put the energy into your marriage you will find that love,lust,and hunger enter your marriage again. the way you are writing for help, it seems you are wanting an escape exist, to not feel guilty for wanting to dump your husband. your wanting to do away with your marriage vows, with blessings from advice of people. "what should i do?" "i know i should leave him because i know that would be fair." " i have not cheated on him, but i get tempted to when a guy i am attracted to shows interest in me." what should you do- fix what is broken. it would not be fair to him , to leave him because you are being selfish. you are wanting attention from any guy that gives it to you. some of these guys will show interest in you to get what they want, then they will probably loose interest in you after they have got what they were after. you are probably giving out signals to these guys, showing you want attention from them. from what you wrote it sounds like you got a nice guy that would do anything in the world for you. you are being self-centered at best. if you would put effort into loving your husband you just might find the attraction back in your marriage. if you do decide to jump ship, you may find the new wearing off of any new relationship after a year or two. you may end up with a guy that cares less about you. how many relationships will it take for you to feel complete, or used up. think before you make a big mistake that can't be undone.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2013):
 Hold on now, slow down a minute here.
You've been married for 3 years, and your husband is sweet, caring, kind, treats you well, and doesn't lack in personal hygiene or upkeep?
I may need more to go on, but from what it sounds like, is that you're more addicted to men's attention, and you're bored. You say you have no close friends anymore? Why not?
Before you decide right away that you no longer love this good guy and want to leave him, consider that maybe you're needing adventure and self-independence. Also, while it's nice to have the ego boost of feeling attractive, it's not healthy to leave a marriage simply because you can't stop lusting after other men.
On the other hand, the question remains -- did you marry your husband only because he could get you away from your mentally disturbed dad, and you were using him? Or did you actually love him? A year seems a little short, and in the whole spectrum of things, you married kinda young. So I ask you if you saw your husband as a way out of your situation, or did you marry him out of love?
One thing is for sure -- do not even think about cheating on your husband. There's no better way to devastate a good and kind man than to sleep around like his love means nothing.
You should consider what made you lose love for your husband, especially if you truly loved him when you married him. Low self-esteem, depression, and despair over life and situations can cause you to not feel what you used to, and lusting after other men, drinking in male attention, and sleeping around are all ways in which depressed people or sex addicts self-medicate.
You're not in a place where you should make these kinds of decisions, especially if you once loved your husband. I say this because in your case, I suspect everything you're feeling and tempted to do is a symptom of something you're not facing, but rather self-medicating to not have to face.
If you don't resolve the issues you're dealing with, then this cycle will repeat itself over and over again. At the very least, you should get a job and be self-sufficient, unless it's agreed that you watch over any children you and your husband have (you didn't mention any!).
Never make decisions lightly. Marriage is commitment, and especially if you're married to a good guy, never mistreat him, and do not sleep around on him. We all have self-control and self-discipline. No one is immune to accepting responsibility for our actions. If you betray him, you will live with it for the rest of your life.
I also consider that you may be depressed because of your lack of close friendships. Why don't you have any, and where did the ones you have go?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 June 2013):
 When you say you leave him, it's because it frees you up to have sex with guys you lust for. But to tell you, earn more money, be independent and get a house, or to find a sexy guy to marry within a few years seem too good to be true. Before you plunge yourself into another relationship hoping for a happy ever after, realize that a lot of marriages come to this. There is no one guy you will lust over for the rest of your life and have good sex without outside help of porn and erotic novels. Those pop relationship advice about "have an affair with your husband", "reclaim your femininity" only work for a brief moment, before you feel like you have to force sex again.
You married a boyfriend for a reason. Stability is a very good one. No one will tell you you are selfish for having thoughts of leaving, but a woman who will stick through thick and thin is a woman who has her experience of sowing wild oats, and then realizing that it is nothing it is hyped up to be. Been there, done that. Time for stability that kind of thing.
I've had many partners. I did not regret or rejoice. It's just my life. I am not going to tell you you do not need that kind of experience of having more partners, nor would I tell you you should honor your wedding vows.
Whatever you choose, be happy and live with no regrets. It's the feeling stuck that's stopping you from progressing.
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