A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I’d appreciate a few views on this. Ive been with my boyfriend a year and a half. We broke up for two weeks around valentines and my 40th birthday and I cant help feeling miffed that he didn’t get me anything for my birthday. He did send flowers and take me out for the day ( but no dinner or lunch out) as we agreed to stay friends. The day out led to us getting back together a week later, with him saying he had realised what he feels for me and that he does love me. ( He had never said that before and was the reason we broke up because he said he didn’t love me). Despite these new feelings and us only apart two weeks he didn’t then get me anything . I hinted a bit when we went shopping for a silver necklace I wanted as I had nothing to commemorate my 40th birthday- but he pretended to think I was joking and said he’d given me my present (flowers). So I bought if for myself (£80). Im really trying to let go of this but fiinding it hard, especialy with his birthday coming up. What should I do for his. Usually Id spend at least £100 on a present, plus a meal or trip out- which I did last year and what we both spend roughly on each other at xmas, but I don’t want to end up resenting him for it. Im not materialistic but like a relationship to be equal in the giving and receiving otherwise I know if I give more I will feel awkward and resentful as we have similar incomes, but I do like to spoil my other half and this is what Id naturally do if this hadnt happened.
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (9 April 2009):
 The two of you were actually broken up at the time of your birthday, correct? So for him to have gotten you an expensive present would have been innapropriate~ at that time. The fact that he got you flowers and took you out, even though you were broken up, I think says a lot for him. Then, when you got back together a few weeks later it would have been a bit strange for him to say, "well, since I didnt get you a present for your bday since we were broken up, then I guess I OWE you one now!' It would seem that he, and you, were keeping tallys. Do you understand my point? I do understand how you feel as well. You were broken up for such a short time and you are back together now and you want to see it as having continuity and him getting you a present, as your boyfriend, would give you reasurance. Get him what you want to get him, what will make you happy. If you want to get him something small, as long as it is something thoughtful, I am quite sure that will be just fine.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Thank you, but I only mentioned amounts to put this into context. We have never agreed this ourselves but has happened naturally, surely it is awkward, particularly at xmas if one person spends a fortune and the other spends very little when both have similar means. i do know that sending flowers was quite a big deal for him, I doubt he has ever done that before so I really appreciated them, but would have loved a token, something to keep to look back and think, oh thats what xx got me for my 40th. I did already hint so cant bring it up again. i think I know its best if I get him something small but nice, but this goes against my natural wish to spoil him rotten.
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A
female
reader, Beaurosie  +, writes (9 April 2009):
Although you say you are not materialistic, it does seem as if you are because you are quite explicit about how much money is normally spent on each other. I think that it is the 'thought that counts' not the amount of money that has been spent. If it was me I would buy him a birthday gift that you think he may like and not neccesarily expensive. I also think that you should explain to him your feelings about the fact that a 40th is a kind of special mark in a persons life and that it would have been nice to have received some kind of keepsake from him to remember this special day for you (again I don't think its about how much money is spent). I hope this helps.
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