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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi.. I need help to understand relationships. Is this the way most people behave, is it acceptable? I have been married for 18 yrs, 2 kids (16 and 13). The first year was OO, the rest have been acceptable. We did split up for 6 months 15yrs ago, the last 2-3 unhappy. He has been violent, 3-4 occassions over the time, last time was 5 yrs, verbally abusive (only when drinking) normal name calling, sexually abusive (pulling at me etc), has been moody (seems to control this now) needs to know where I have been, doesn't like me working late (I am a senior manager).I earn most of the money that allows us to have what we have, does very little in the house (I have to get other people to do things), wants to know everything about anyone I talk to (now I tell him nothing). When he has been out and comes home I feel sick and have to pretend that I'm asleep. In fact I do most things for him, take him the football, he runs a team, the pub etc.. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I think it is too late. I have told him that I don't love him, don't want to be there and feel nothing. I think I have made my decision but can't seem to bring myself to do it.. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): i'm going through the same..i have been married for one and half years and we were physically away from each other for about 7 months. i don't miss him and he doesn't miss me. I am happy when i am alone and i get irritated when he is around.we were going out for about 7 yrs before we got married.but things have changed drastically for the last few months. He is a nice person but he never gave me the kind of attention that i always wanted.he realizes everything now and wants me to forget the past and move on.But i can't get the lost feelings back.I don't love him anymore.I feel sory for him but its because him we are suffering liek this. Should i leave him or should i pretend to be ok and carry on with my life suffering inside my heart.I don't even feel like kissing him and i just don't like him being next to me in the bed.What should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I also feel for you. It is so sad that I have no advice to offer you because I to, am in the same predicament. At the time of the abuse and the hurt that he caused me, I just wanted everything to go back to "normal". I didn't really think about, if I really forgave him or not. I just wanted to stop hurting, so I took him back. Now, when he actually hasn't been that bad and we probably have a chance to be happy, I realize that I hate this man. I told him that I feel nothing for him, that I want him to leave, and he just acts like if I have said nothing. I wake up depressed, I snap at my kids, and he ignores all of those things! He has to know it's because I'm miserable with him! And he seems perfectly happy living that way. I don't tell him that I love him, I hate having sex with him! He waits until after I fall asleep and then makes his move! It is sooo frustrating! Even though I have no advice, as I am still hoping he will be man enough to just give the satisfaction of leaving me alone, hopefully it helps to hear other stories like your, I know that in my life, it feels like I have no voice. So it helps to be heard in this way. Best of luck to you and God Bless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2006): Oh, how I feel for you. I am in the same situation. I have been married now for almost 12 years and my husband was verbally, mentally and briefly physically abusive to me. I left after that incident 5 years ago. Now I am finding that I came back for the wrong reasons. I felt sorry for him. I have alway put everyone else first and not myself. I feel now I do not love him like I should anymore. I cringe when he hugs me and hate when he kisses me. I have 2 small children and I know leaving is what I "Should" do, but doing it is so much harder. I feel for you. Everyone says to just leave. It isn't easy, especially when you have endured so much. With my situation, however, he has now just started to get counseling and is trying to make changes, and so I feel even more guilty in that I want to leave. I feel like it is too late to change what he has done and maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know. But when that feeling is gone...its gone. I don't know if it will ever come back. I'm assuming you feel the same way. You hang on and hope it will just magically reappear and everyday when you wake up, its the same hollow feeling inside. So, why don't we leave them? Good question. It isn't easy. Good luck to you. I hope you are able to find the strength to leave, just as I have been praying for. I used to believe marriage should be forever, but when you live with someone you don't love anymore because of what they have done to you, something has to give. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, roni24  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 in a nut shell u have to leave if not for your own sake then for the kids. when i was growing my parent swere at each others throats all the time . all this silence and arguing get u know where and undermine your confidence. u obviously dont love him no more and while i realised u were together a very long time and that tie is hard to break but for your sake as well as the children leave and have the life you all deserve you will b much happier as a result
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reader, madam treudeau +, writes (23 August 2005):
you must be willing to take the very first step towards re-covery then , and only then can anyone be able to help you,are you willing?
if so, then take that step, don't look back except to find the child support payments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2005): You mention verbal-sexual abuse and violence. Even being drunk when verbally abusing you will never, ever justify what he's done. For him to have acted out these behaviours, says he is a batterer. Batterers define their mates as objects. It isn't healthy to be in the same room with a person who defines you in this and it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it's normal, or both.
Understandably, you don't feel turned on to him as he has mistreated & abused you,(verbally and otherwise). Pure and simple. And you can't make your body/mind to feel differently. Forgetting means nothing to the healing process of the soul. And there's will never be any justification for abuse whatsoever. If someone pushed or shoved me, or called me names, I'd hope to find a way to never see them again. Remember abuse increases in intensity and frequency over time. And many women end up with stress-related illnesses. Can you think of many illnesses that are not stress related? Some guys hear their partners and make changes, and some don't.
Go forward to a more happier exsistence-it sounds like leaving this relationship will be a positive step for you and the kids. You might feel lonely at first, but there won't be anyone to mistreat you, and that's a real positive. Women who suffer from verbal abuse and leave a marriage, need plenty of support. If you have family or friends to go to, just get away and see what it's like. This type of support may be the help you need to gain the strength to go. Know that while you stay, you're with the same mentality as a batterer. And the next step could be more frequent physical abuse. Any type of abuse is horrible to endure because you lose your spirit, you lose a sense of yourself.
Do everything to get support for your kids to help them understand what is happening and why. Parent Education programs work wonders and it teaches you to help them cope with the break up of their parents. Be brave..be strong and I wish you the best. Good luck
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (22 August 2005):
 That is the toughest part to do what you decided to do. But I know that for your sanity and your happiness that you will do it. It makes no sense being a relationship when you have to pretend being asleep so someone won't touch you. The things that you mentioned there tell me that he had no respect or love for you either or else he won't be doing the things he did. I am sorry this is so hard hun but love yourself enough to do the necessary. Just think of all the times he made you cry and hurt you. The emotional trauma and everything else...and then think of your kids...they want to see their mom really happy again...not just pretending and putting on a brave face..do this for you...take care...ana
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