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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi I was seeing a man 10 years my junior for 2 and 1/2 years. We were amazingly in love, couldn't bear to be apart but he started wanting to be "free", i.e see other women, so we split up but remained very close friends, still constantly in each other's company. He always instigated sex and we would end up back together. 4 months ago after a fab night together he left mine to go to work. When I saw him after his shift the next day he completely ignored me and hasn't spoken to me since. I wrote letters asking what had happened, have tried asking why this is going on and if we're going to be friends in the future and he just runs away. We mix in the same circle and every time I see him, he blanks me like a school kid. It's absolutely destroying me. I feel like my best friend has died except it's worse because I'm still seeing him around. What's happened?
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female
reader, True Sweetheart +, writes (14 December 2005):
I have two words for you. No Contact. Completely cease and desist any attempt to contact him and spend some time in serious self reflection and evaluation. If he is going to come back to you - you will need to have done the serious soul searching to figure out what you want from your relationship with him and to establish the ground rules. Do not accept anything less. Of course his behaviour is unkind and unfair however kindness and fairness has never been the defining feature of romantic love anyway judging by what is written in this website 24/7.
My boyfriend is 12 years younger than I am. I met him when he was in his early thirties and I was in my early-mid forties and we have been in a relationship that was nearly 4 years long interrupted by a one year break. We got back together for a year and a half and then had a 4 month break over the issue of commitment.
We met as a result of sharing many strongly held life values and we are deeply compatible in many ways. We also have extraordinary chemistry which I was deeply grateful for after not having anything comparable with anyone before him.
In my/our case... I see that choosing someone quite a bit older for a wife is a huge variation on what he always pictured for himself. He loves me but he does not know if he should trust his heart for such a decision. I look wonderful for my age because I am much younger biologically than I am in terms of years lived. I take very good care of my health/youth/appearance yet I cannot guarantee what I will look like 15 years from now when he is only a little older than I am today. Why wouldn't he want to have the sweet experience I have had of loving and being loved by a beautiful younger person in the prime of their life, desiring and cherishing him? It is a thought that hurts me deeply and yet I cannot freeze time and I wouldn't want to be in any relationship with him that is not freely chosen by him. ( to the extent that any of us is truly "free") .
If you want to drive him further away... then keep pursuing him for an answer... for anything at all for that matter.
No contact is the only way. It sucks worse than any thing imaginable but it can be done and I know because I have done it. I watched a lot of movies alone, cried alot, wrote alot, went to a therapist to work on ME, got massages and other kinds of holistic treatment to heal and took lots of lovely long bathtub soaks. I did NOT look for anyone else because I was too much of a wreck to be with anyone other than myself and some good friends now and again. I did however date a few times... with men I met who had the right effect on me... enjoyed some romance, intimacy, kissing and heavy petting yet I did not have sex with anyone else because I did not feel ready to cross that line. I had trouble sleeping, woke up feeling as though I was in hell from the emotional pain and dragged myself through my days doing the best I could to get a little better every day. He left messages on my phone that I did not answer. "Hi, just calling to see how you're doing". These would come along once every month to 4 months but I never answered any of them because they did not merit an answer. When he finally started calling every day and began to leave messages that said... "I am going out of my mind I miss you so much, no one is like you, I would give my eye teeth just to look at you... " in a voice that was quivering with agony... then I began to talk with him, very cooly and briefly at first and then after nearly two months of his pleading I finally got together with him again. We were then with each other for nearly two years in a far better relationship than the one we had before. He still managed to evade being committal about any future intentions and it was really eroding my confidence. Hence - break-up number two.
While I cannot guarantee that things will work out with he and I in this, our third romantic episode... I truly hope that it lasts and I will do everything that does not include selling myself out -to be equal to the adventure as it arises.
In my case I am sure that if I called or pursued him in any way (even by imagining that he would definitely return to me... ) he would not have. I had to genuinely consider that we might not be together again and that my attempts to get on with my life were real engagements in the present to the extent my energy would allow. It was gut-wrenching and I had to face the possibility that I might love him my whole life regardless of my efforts to be receptive to new possibilities. Maybe I will even outgrow my tolerance for being in a relationship with someone who has such a dilemna providing me with needed emotional security. Maybe I will learn to communicate my needs to him in a non-blaming - partnership inspiring way that clarifies that meeting my needs is not some abysmal obligation but an easily do-able way of relating that is a win-win for both of us.
I wish you happiness in life and love!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): Youve given him the freedom to be *single* but you have also given him the right to use you as and when he feels like it..do what is right for you being like this is hurting you too much and while he is playing with you head and heart you cant move on and let go..come to a decision to let it all go and stick to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2005): It is human nature to believe that the person (a friend)we are involved with feels the same way we do about a friendship/relationship. Sometimes however, our feelings for the other person can be powerful that they blind us from seeing things as they really are, as opposed to the way we wish them to be. I can't help but feeling you may have been used by this guy. Your first mistake could've been allowing him back in your bed, occasionally and your second mistake could've been ..allowing your emotions to get the better of you.
It's highly likely he has other sex partners and perhaps one of them has caught his interest. And now, he has no need to see you anymore. Nobody liked being "played" by a user and it hurts when you love someone and they don't love you back in the same way. It's obvious, due to his indifferent behaviours-he no longer wants to be in your life. It's been 4 months and as time goes on, and you need to accept that his behaviors have become apparent that he's no longer interested in continuing his "friendship" with you. You may have to think clearly here and further examine his behaviours in order to determine what his true motives are for ignoring you. If you do feel as if you have been used & then just cast aside, no one has the right to treat you like that so don't be afraid to challenge him and ask him why he felt the need to do this to you. Once you do that, make peace with yourself over this and don't allow him to further denigrate you-forget the ass! Get out there, be happy and live life to the fullest. Make better choices whenever new love opportunities crop up and please, respect yourself enough not to allow a "user-loser" manipulate you again. Never let scum like this drag you down under their rocks, hun. You are likely a very caring person and deserve so much better. Now go and be happy! Take care, hun!
Hugs,
Irish
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