A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:Ok so what do u do when u don't have control over your relationships because of your parents?Problem is that my mom is overly nosy and controlling.If she sees me typing on my computer or texting, she will ask who I am talking to, come up behind me to see who I'm talking to and what I'm saying, and if I say "just people" she gets all nosy and will keep asking. Same thing when I'm talking on the phone she will interrupt and ask who I am talking to.Her main issue is she doesn't want me associating with what she thinks is "my ex". She hates him and I finally told her we broke up and dont talk anymore just to stop it. Everyday even while at school she will question me of whether I saw him, if he messaged me or if I initiated conversation with him etc. I'm tired of having to report to her everyday and when I asked her to please stop asking she gets all nosy again and says "oh what are you hiding then?"I don't like to lie but I can't deal with her constantly wanting to know who I associate with and why. She thinks my bf and I don't talk right now and everyday says you better not be talking to him. I can't even go out of town to see friends during the summer without her questioning if I will see him or speak to him during my travels.I admit my bf wasn't the nicest in the last 6months which is why she is so paranoid. He was verbal abusive but always said things "as a joke" and he showed tendencies of being controlling at times. He also has a habit of lying at times. Usually about tiny irrelevant things but when we took a break for a bit but said we wouldnt see other ppl he was msging other girls and asking them out, they declined..but still that annoyed me. He doesn't know that I know that, and he still adamantly denies asking out any girls, he says he asked some girl friends out for coffee but it was not a date, i dunno. YES THAT THERE IS A RED FLAG. I know that. He promises to change and prove it to me and in these past 6 weeks he has shown improvement. He has not made one verbal comment or shown any controlling behaviour. He will be upfront about what he is doing or going and with who. Doing my detective work he has not msged any girls since this.Anyway my mom is paranoid and has labelled him an abuser. Both my parents have threatened that if I date him they will revoke all the money they were putting towards university and I cant afford it on my own, I dont qualify for loans cuz parents make too much money and my marks arent high enough for scholarships. So basically i couldnt finish school which leaves me stuck. They hassle me constantly about not speaking to him and ask every single day if he is online or whatnot.WHAT DO I DO???? I just want to see how things go with my bf to see if he really can change permanently. i know alot of ppl its just an "act" so they can get u bak and the cycle repeats so I am on guard and not so emotionally involved that I cant make a decision--because I can and wont stand for that crap. Its just having to lie to my parents everyday because they are obsessive of wanting to know if i talk to him or anyone else for that matter. I just want the freedom to see where this takes me without being forced cuz its like I'm being blackmailed with money being dangled in front of my face. It may not even work out with my bf but I just want the freedom to make that decision. I'm at my wits end. Talking to my parents will not do any good...honestly what do i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I couldn't agree more with Eyes - she talks sense. We parents have read the book and have got the 'T' shirt. Kids think we're totally stupid, but believe me, we've been in the same sort of situations as you years before now and probably felt the same as you do now.
Your parents have got your best interests at heart. You'd be wise to follow their advice when they give it and accept their rules of the house etc. In years to come you'll thank them if you do. If you don't you'll probably regret it. The choice is yours.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 You will definitely NOT like my answer but here it is. Your mother knows you have been lying to her and she doesn't trust you because of it. That is why she feels she has to constantly hound you for information. And unfortunately she and your Dad currently hold all the strings. As long as you live under their roof and they are footing the bills you have the obligation to obey their rules. You can always sacrifice your future and move out and be totally on your own, but that wouldn't be too smart now would it? Your boyfriend doesn't sound like much of a prize, I probably would do exactly as your parents are doing if you were my daughter. Maybe if you regain their trust by stopping the lies they might lighten up a little but don't count on it.
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A
female
reader, kms123  +, writes (23 June 2009):
Sit you mom down and explain everything.
Tell her that your aware she doesn't like him but that you need to make mistakes and to learn from these situations whether they eventually turn out good or bad.
She is only like that to make sure that you don't get hurt. It may be annoying but she's only doing best by you whether you can see that or not.
Bring her into your relationship..tell her stories (well pg ones anyway)
Don;t be secretive.
And most of all tell her that you need to do this in order to learn life lessons and to grow in what may end up in a bad way.
She is your mom so she will ALWAYS be there for you. x
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