A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi folks,I am stuck in a bit of a rut.My belief in my ability to find a relationship. I used to believe the main issue was being overweight. But I realise whilst it might be a factor, it isn't the single thing that prevents me from finding someone. I realise that when it comes to wanting someone who really cares looks won't matter in the long run.My problems are in confidence, lack thereof. I am slowly getting better, and even asked someone out. That didn't go the way I wanted but I am not devastated. Hpwever, I do lack confidence, and do not how to rectify it. I am not looking for someone to say just flirt with or just chat up random people (as some suggest on this site if memory serves), because that isn't in my nature. It isn't who I want to be. How do I get more confidence then?Also, meeting the right person. Being in university makes it difficult in some ways and easier in others. Making it easier, there are lots of people so likely to find someone with something in common. Harder because so many people only socialise when they are drinking and clubbing! I don't like that kind of thing at all. Even being around people who are drunk is bad enough. I just don't know how to go about finding someone. Societies - seems half the societies in this uni only go out drinking all the time (societies are not a huge part of this uni sadly)And the main problem is that at times I almost convince myself that I cannot find someone...Advice on all these points?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, artian  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 confidence? what is that?1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; competence? what is that?1. the quality of being competent; adequacy; possession of required skill, knowledge, qualification, or capacity: He hired her because of her competence as an accountant.2. sufficiency; a sufficient quantity.3. an income sufficient to furnish the necessities and modest comforts of life.The problem here is that you are putting too much pressure on yourself and stacking a tall order.you DO NOT need confidence to attract a woman or any relationship.That is a social stigma.You simply need competence!If you make too much of an effort to impress someone or try to hard etc it can make people think you are clingy, obsessive, desperate. You have obviously talked to many people in your life all shapes an sizes what difference does it make to talk to someone you consider a hit or want to establish a relationship with. NONE apart from the fact and self knowledge that you desperately want to do that.So, therefore take that desperation away and be more layed back.Women are attracted to so called confident men.really they are attracted to the alpha male. The bad boy!Underneath, however, they like the nice guy for all the right reasons.so, don't be too nice just be nice and be a little cheeky.NOW are you competent? Relax and simply have fun!
A
female
reader, SJ_ninety +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Wow, you sound like the perfect guy to me, minus the confidence lacking, but that doesn't really matter so much... to me anyway.ANYWAYS! You should look into getting a job on the university campus. Most colleges want a nice GPA and a pretty clean record outside of school in order to obtain employment in a student office or what not. You are sure to find someone interesting there; especially if you end up working in an office you find particularly interesting in and of itself.If that doesn't work, just try talking to people during classes. I know that may be a little "forbidden" according to professors, but do you know how many people end up marrying their college sweethearts all because they met in a class? Think about it and good luck! =]
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A
female
reader, Olivia(Y). +, writes (14 March 2009):
 You will find someone :)Just socialise with anyone, anywhere where you go. Say hi to someone on a bus or even the people in your uni just start a random coversation believe me it will make them smile.I used to have big confidence issues and my counciler said to do one thing each day which scares me. Just learn not to care about what people think. If you have the confidence not be scared to be you girls will find it attractive. I randomly spoke to someone and now am in a really happy and serious relationship.If you think your appearance will put people off then think again. People like all sorts of looks, If you turn on the tv not everyone on there would win a modeling contest but they are popular on tv because they are themselves. Learn to love yourself and others will to :)Good luckOliviaxxx
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