A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:sorry this is long - need advice..I'm a quieter person with few friends, when I was a child and teenager my family was never affectionate, I never got any affection, never had anyones shoulder to cry on when upset, so I never learned how to be affectionate with people. All I wanted a a kid was hug and never got one. I have tried to teach my self as an adult, and I'm getting there slowly, but this hard when u have noone to hug or be hugged by.This has affected my life, the very small circle of friends don't like affection, and never show any affection to me, so I cant show it to them, I respect their space and privacy and their f/ship.so.. no friendly hello hug or pat on the back if I've has a bad day, I don't hug them cause they don't like it. I'm single, I'm gay and when I do go on a date, (often a blind internet date) my date often doesn't want to see me again, often she will say I'm an "OK person but there's no spark" or they don't seem interested in me. maybe I'm giving off bad vibes? it always happens.I have this past year made a friend, she's straight and I'm gay, there is NO r/ship and I'm NOT attracted to her,please understand this!! just friends!We get along well, and share some common interests, all I want is her f/ship, nothing else. I've been there for her through some bad times this year as she has had a few medical and personal issues, and yes have been a shoulder for her to cry on a couple of times,and a hand to hold. but... when I was upset on the weekend at her house, she never offered me a hug? I just sat there she seemed not to know what do do, and she said "that I had better tell her what's up cause she's not affectionate" I know that everyone has their own personal space and I would never push her to hug me if she didn't feel comfortable to, she's not a person who hugs others but accepts them from others when she's upset. I value her f/ship and would never cross the line. but I'm a little bit disappointed she didn't even offer me a friendly pat on the shoulder - I've been there for her many times. she did listen, which I'm glad of. This still leaves me alone and having noone to hug me. This sounds weird I know bit all i want is a hug sometimes, I've never had this my whole life and it hurts that so many people take this for granted when some people have nothing. How do I deal with this? Meet new people? - I'm quieter and often people don't like me - though I try to be interested in them and will keep trying. advice appreciated thanks, again sorry for the length -feeling very over all this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): this is the question asker
There is NO hidden weirdness between my freind and I,cos im agy and shes not. im NOT giving off any signals that Im attracted to her or anything, she just has no clue when it comes to seing ppl upset, shes very self absorbed due vatious personal and medical problems and its ok for others to hug her when shes upset but not vice versa. Im not coming onto her ! just need a hug - f/ship only. gues thtas who she is
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 Many people have a similar problem. I have some ideas to share with you.
Often, people try to win the affection they are missing by becoming useful and nice, and by giving people things or help. Their neediness is detected, and used to the other person's advantage. If you are like this, too, then the first thing you would need to do would be not to act like this anymore.
Everyone needs affection, but some people are more apt at hiding it than others, and that makes them look stronger and more fun to be around. Try not to show your need.
Sometimes some people are naturally more affectionate than others, and that makes them the oddball. It's not wrong, but it's "odd". So, never give a person more affection than he or she seems able to handle.
Love yourself a lot more. I believe that many a nerd has gone through this. If you're the only guy in the classroom who's interested in the passionate history of the Middle East, for example, or the wonderful intelligent design in the atom, that sure makes you odd and won't help you be popular, but it does not mean you should feel bad about yourself because people don't show you love. Let them not care, and don't care about them, either.
The situation you describe with your friend happens only too often. It is called "selfishness". It happens even in married couples, and I personally know somebody who left his girl because she, a needy person, brushed him off when he was worried over losing his job. Let her be the loser. Don't try to hang around her anymore. Find a friend who will be worth of that name.
Wish you the best.
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