A
male
age
36-40,
*onystarkben
writes:Hi all...I hope this isn't too long but im at work and not sure what to do, so hopefully this will give me some clarity.I have been dating the most wonderful girl for the past 3 months. Her ex boyfiend was a nasty peice of work and used to put her down and hit her, and we do lovely dates and i do romantic stuff which she has never had before. For example, she had never been to the theatre so i took her to see her favourite show as a suprise. I also do little things like get her breakfast and put her to bed if she's a little drunk etc.We have just spent a lovely 5 days together solid and it was so nice. We saw friends and went to bars, went to dinner with her parents and had bed days etc.She said she couldn't belive she has met her perfect guy and im like a prince and too good for her etc. I told her she is silly as she is lovely. All her friends and family say they have never seen her so happy and all was good. We are going on holiday in 2 weeks.Now she stayed at my house last night and she was too sleepy to wake up this morning, so i left her a note saying sleep well and i will order her a taxi home later.When she woke up she told me that it was a waste of money and she had arranged a lift home - basically this guy we know offered to pick her up but he is a creeper and a weirdo and he's about 35 years old - Lou is 21. She thought he was just being nice but i said i wasn't happy her going in his car on her own and so i came home in my lunch break to drive her home.While she was in the bathroom i saw on my laptop the conversation pop up with her best friend on fb and she said i had annoyed her as i made it seem she couldn't handle herself and i could be a little " overbearing" sometimes. This made me sad and we got in the car and went.On the way home i asked her if i was overbearing and she said no, but i told her i had seen what she wrote and she said she didn't mean it and she had said it as i had annoyed her by making out she was not able to handle herself.I told her it was only because i care, and if i didn't care about her then i wouldn't bother.She was upset as we pulled up and she wanted to know if i was coming over to her family house for dinner tonight but part of me doesn't want to go. I'm hurt by what she said and feel like now she thinks im too full on or she's seeing too much of me. She said she wants me to come, and on my drive back to work she messaged me saying she was sorry and she loves me and she loves seeing me everyday etc, and i don't know what to message back or do.I don't know what to think - is she still finding it strange being with a nice guy? :( I just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): Wow...if she ever passes you up...you can have my number! I think the thing to do in cases like that is ASK her if she wants you to call her a cab...or discuss with her how she wants to get from A to B. I was kind of like this with my last boyfriend and while he liked all of my notes, thoughtfulness, etc...he also made fun of it behind my back. Now, flash to your situation...some people do take things in DIFFERENT ways...not necessarily the wrong way. Let her do things for herself, but surprise her once in awile. I am pretty self-sufficient and I enjoy doing things by myself OR discussing things and deciding what to do together. I think it's more about treating her respectfully, but as an equal...not always making decisions for her. I hope that makes sense. I know you are being respectful...you are looking out for her, but she needs to know you see her as an equal...not someone who needs looked after and taken care of. I know...it's confusing...but I think that is why she was upset with you. We women liked to be thought of, but we don't like someone making all of our decisions for us...we liked to be asked.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Nice guy.. or overbearing? They are two different things you know. You can still be nice, without that meaning you're on her back like the secret service.
Maybe this other "friend" of yours is a creep. Well, tell her so then. Tell her he's probably up to no good, and that she shouldn't get into a car with him.
If she still thinks it is fine, well, you can't baby her. And I do think that while what you did was nice and all, it was a bit over-protective too. She didn't want you to come home during lunch to drive her. She wanted to get home on her own, by having this other guy drive her. If she just didn't realize what a creep that guy is ... well, you CAN'T protect her from every creep in the world. She's going to have to face them on her own, and fend them off on her own as well. She's not a little kitten you know. She needs to do these things, and learn the hard way if that's what it takes.
You can't keep telling people you love what to do, even if you think you know what is in their best interest. You can't decide on their behalf what they should or should not do. So yes, that was overbearing. And you need to step down a bit when it comes to that sort of thing, and RESPECT her decisions. If she wants to go, then let her. Even if you think it's a bad idea. You got to let people you love do what they need to do in life.
This however has nothing to do with you seeing her often, or how nice you should be to her. Continue to be nice. Continue to do loving things. Continue to care, and see her, and meet her family, spend time with her. But don't tell her what to do, respect her decisions. If she wants to do something, you can warn her if you think it's not smart. But if she still wants to, then you got to step down and let her. See what I mean?
Also.. stop snooping. Nothing good comes out of that, and people DO need to vent to their friends, talk about things they aren't sure about, or that makes them uncomfortable. It is a way of processing things, and getting feedback and help on how to see things, handle them, etc. Maybe her friend would have later told her she should be happy you are doing what you are doing, which would mean she'd relax about it and not think it was overbearing. But that at first she wasn't sure if she liked your behaviour or not. This is why you shouldn't ever snoop, or read private conversations that don't concern you. The things that are being said, or written, are not meant for you to hear. Thus they are not worded to be gentle to your feelings. Things can be worded bluntly, or she could be throwing out several things because she's not sure exactly what to think. You can't take one thought that was in her head, which isn't necessarily a permanent thought, and think this to be the ultimate truth about how she feels.
So, to sum it up: relax. You and her still have a wonderful relationship. She's being honest with you about things, but she's allowed to talk to her friends in private about her personal thoughts. And, you need to tone it down when it comes to over-riding her judgement. Your judgement is not better than hers, or even if it is you need to respect her decisions.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Well, would you like to have dinner with her and her family this evening?
If so, then go.
About the "weird" man who offered to drive her home: you can't KNOW that he would have attempted any "funny stuff" - unless that is, you happen to know for a fact that he's in the habit of acting up. She does have to take responsibility for herself, and to use her own judgement as to whether accepting his offer would have been a good idea.
I'm not saying it wasn't thoughtful of you to go there in your lunch hour to take her home, however.
So now: she apologized to you but hopefully she realizes you are only concerned for her safety and will take note of that in future decisions she makes. I think your best bet at the moment is to just let it drop, and enjoy dinner this evening!
Hope this isn't too late in reaching you.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Text her back and go for dinner. These small things happen in relationships. Misunderstandings, impulsive words etc. are a part and parcel of life and love. Let go of that little bit she said. Don't dwell upon words in a relationship. They're often hastily spoken and don't always mean what they seem. Cheer up and enjoy dinner!
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