A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently going through a divorce from an emotionally/verbally/physically abusive marriage. We have been separated for 4 mths and divorce is in process.. I started dating one of my good friends about a month ago.. This past week ex started causing problems. Texting me, saying really mean and hateful things. Talking about beating up the man I'm dating, and just threatening him in my texts. Well I got upset and told my current man about these texts.. He has decided to put us on hold because he feels my ex is crazy. He feels that he needs to think about his daughter and no matter how much he cares for me he can't put his Daughter in a sitautions being around crazy. He doesn't feel my ex will hurt her but he feels that it will indirectly affect her because by him being in a relationship with me and having to deal with my crazy ex will upset him because of how he treats me... Which by him being upset will affect his attitude and whatever around his daughter. He wants usbtonwait until my life normalizes and to see if my ex will calm down his crazy. He is hurt that these situations are happening because we both care for one another deeply... But feels he car be selfish with it comes to the safety of his daughter.. He feels that we could possibly make it through this but has a concern that he might not ever be ok with my ex being crazy (cause we have kids together so he'll always be around)... Will this work? I'm so hurt and torn, he wants us to be back to being friends instead of a dating relationship but I don't know how to do that after all this time! I don't want to frustrate him and I want to respect him but I need encouragment that its gonna be ok?? Im so scared he won't see the positive and give it a chance to normalize and just be ran off by my ex. He cares for me so much but just doesn't see any good... He told me his feelings haven't changed for me as that there is nothing wrong with us... He just needs to know that the crazy will die down.. But he is afraid it will never go away... Has anyone been through this or have any encouraging words? In heart broken and so sad... I care about him so much and we are so good together... I'm also having a hard time with how to be around him...? Help!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 December 2012):
Sorry to be blunt I wouldn't date you either no matter how much I liked you. Your ex IS dangerous, to you, your bf and his daughter. You need to get rid of your ex once and for all, you shouldn't allow him around your kids either. Once you have the law on your side, change your phone number and move. Make sure he knows that if he ever wants to see his kids again he needs to go to counseling.
Only after that should you start dating again, otherwise you put everyone in danger.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Sorry OP but until you deal with the ex situation then this guy is only being smart.
"He just needs to know that the crazy will die down.. But he is afraid it will never go away"
It won't die down OP, he is right that it won't go away. How the hell does an abusive ex still get to text you these mean things? Why is your abusive ex still able to contact you? Did you not report him to the cops? Have not got a barring order against him and why not? The kids is no excuse OP, this guy is abusive and violent, he should only be having supervised visits and have absolutely no contact with you whatsoever, but you won't do anything like that OP and you won't sort this out, so why would any guy take a risk with you when you're just going to allow this shit to continue?
It won't go away OP because you never actually took the power back if this ex still gets to abuse you even now you're broken up. What man could tolerate that kind of situation with you OP?
I'm sorry but your new guy is right, you still don't have the balls to stop your ex abusing you, so he always will. You just hope he'll stop eventually. Well he won't, he loves his power and you let him have it.
You're undateable OP, you still 100% belong to this guy and he owns you, and you don't want to do what's necessary to change that. You're too big a risk, and I'm sorry but you can't be trusted to stay away from your ex, you're still to weak to him and who knows, maybe some drunken night he may call over and end up in bed with you, or call over and beat up any guy he sees. Until you find the strength to resolve this situation and get rid of your ex, stop using the kids as an excuse and get what you to do done. Then you're not ready for another relationship, you're simply still too attached and too much a possession of your husband, who maybe someday will be your ex but right now he's still your husband.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2012):
 Honestly, I don't blame him.
His child comes first and drama is never really welcome in most people's lives, specially IF they can avoid it.
And maybe he REALLY needs to figure out if having you in his life is worth it, considering that you and he will be dealing with your ex for the rest of your life because you have children with him.
Let him take that time. If he CAN'T handle this it's better to know NOW then down the line.
If I may be very honest- if I had know to what extend my husband's ex wife would take her DRAMA and impose it into OUR life - I'm not sure I would have married him. She made my husband's and my life too quite a living hell for a while and I could really have done without that. She still tried to insinuate herself in our life thought their grown kids and I tell you it takes a lot of effort for it to no longer affect me.
You can't MAKE him stay in the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): I'm sorry for what you are going through. Save the text message & check to see what you can do (police/lawyer), don't take his threats lightly. I can understand how this new man might feel, while he might have feelings for you, he doesn't want to put himself or child at risk.
In time I'm sure your ex will come to his senses & move on with his life. All you can do is give it time.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 December 2012):
 I think he is being very sensible by backing off. You are technically still maried and only separated for 4 months, that is not enough time for things to be sorted out and settled down, especially if your ex is violent/agressive.
It was also a hugely bad move to let your ex know about your new relationship, it's just asking for trouble.
You have only been with the new guy for a month so going back to being just friends shouldn't be too hard...it's almost as if you are clinging to him and that is going to wear pretty thin.
A better stance would be to agree to stay friends and show him that you are mature and in control and well able to handle your divorce and get your life back on track.
Nobody would gladly enter into a relationship long term, knowing there was a moody volatile husband waiting in the wings to stir up chaos...he is absolutely 100% right to want to protect his child (imagine if he has a violent wife who was making threats to you and your children)
As emotional and upset as you feel, you have to see this in a realistic light and maybe you should wait until you are divorced before you get into anything more serious.
As for your crazy husband...there are laws to protect you from crazy...but he isn't your ex until you get divorced.
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