A
male
age
41-50,
*atDog
writes:I've been divorced for over 2 years now. I've got a 4yr old daughter that lives with mom. I see her on Mondays and have her every second weekend, holiday etc. The divorce was easy, friendly and we're still friendly.I've been dating the girl of my dreams for the last year. Everything works except this: the more she has fallen for me, the more it bugs her that I already have a kid. That she'll not be my first wife, not have my first kid. It's gotten to the point where we're close to breaking up and fighting often. Yet we very obviously love each other.To start with K (girlfriend) and li'l k (daughter) got along very well. But resentment grew to the point where sometimes K ignores li'l k, avoids her completely, causing fights.What can I do to try salvage this? We communicate well, we talk about it a lot, but I feel like I'm losing her. The only reason she's still with me is cause she loves me so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): Whatever the situation is, its unacceptable for your girlfriend to treat your little girl like that, and also quite immature. Shes just a child and none of this is her fault. I have horrible memories of my dads girlfriend giving me the cold shoulder and being cruel when I was young, and even then I was 10 and better able to deal with it. You don't want your daughter growing up with those sorts of memories and a feelings of rejection, because they stick, trust me.Talk to K very seriously about this, and make her understand that if she cannot accept that your daughter is part of your life your relationship will not be able to move forward, or at least stress to her the importance of not taking her frustrations out on your daughter or behaving this way in front of her. I know its not easy, but it shouldn't have to be a case of choosing between the two.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): I am in exactly the same situation but I am your girlfriend and the child is a 7 year old boy.
Because of the child and me not being the first wife / having the first child etc I too have stopped going round to my boyfriends so much and I will not turn up at all if the child is there. For me the only solution is to be given my own child with him. I also ignore the child because even looking at him makes me feel totally resentful and he is also the image of the first wife. For me personally this realtionship is not going to last as I cannot cope with being second best and it is a shame as he is a nice guy. I have no words of wisdom here other than to suggest you marry the girl and give her your own child. For me that would have been the only chance of salvation but bitterness and nastiness have set in with us so it is best to be over and done with asap
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (19 November 2009):
 You're a very strong person, and somewhat wise, person to be looking at this from every angle, and I think that it's positive that you've managed to have discussions with one another about the situation like adults. This certainly means that the good fight isn't over yet :)
If she is away right now trying to wrap her head around things, just be patient and understanding, but just remember that no matter the outcome or the intensity of the hurt following it (if it goes that way), is far less than the hurt you'll all feel in the future if it carries on the way it is now.
Perhaps even a break would do you guys some good? Get a littler perspective on the situation instead of being knee deep in it.
I really hope it works out for you, just hang in there! Things like this often happen for a good reason xx
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male
reader, BatDog +, writes (19 November 2009):
BatDog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks PeanutButter.
As in all things of life it's not quite that clear cut. K is trying. Hard. We've talked about how it's unfair on li'l k, but I think you're right. She lack some maturity. She's even told me I need someone more mature that can handle it better. It's not that easy to let go though. Having been in a marriage that had little love it's easy to see how real our love is. It's difficult to imagine finding that with someone else.
Most of what you've said we've discussed, including that I don't expect her to love my daughter as her own, but she has to accept her. And that she can't expect my daughter to even be civil to her if she doesn't show that first. Of course the answer was "when I was that age if I behaved like that..."
This last weekend was good, they talked and were communicating, but I fear the next time li'l k has a cold she'll be looked at in disgust again. To make it worse my daughter is a "Highly Sensitive Child" and does need special attention.
I can see how it's easier for you, both having a child before. Nothing can explain how it is to have a child if you haven't experienced it yourself.
I'm getting very close to giving up, though it breaks my heart. K knows and says how unfair it is on me that I get all the blame for it, but it's not changing. I'm trying to be very patient, give her time to fully come to terms with it and decide if she can handle li'l k being part of our lives. I think it's fair though to set an ultimatum, unspoken for her to turn it around. K is almost "absent" from the relationship while she's trying to come to terms. All I know is this: it hurts right now, a lot, but I also know if we can get past this we will be great again.
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (19 November 2009):
First of all I really do not think that you're communicating as well as you would like to think that you are, if this is still an ongoing problem and getting worse.
Unfortunately it can take a long while sometimes for the reality of the situation where a partner already has a child to sink in to the mind of the person coming into the relationship.
At first it seems like fun, this little girl is sweet and she is the apple of the fathers eye (or mothers) and they come as a pair (as you should!).
As time goes by and the new partner realizes that this child is for keeps, is always going to be there and will take the attention of the partner away from themselves, they start to question whether this is really the situation they want to be in - they can see the previous relationship with your ex in that little girl, they're forever reminded that they were not your first wife, they're reminded that they have to have your ex in their life and your relationship via this little girl and they may also see her as a noose around their neck preventing them from having all the firsts of a baby of their own - you already shared those with your ex and your daughter.
Now, what concerns me is that you say that the problem is getting worse. This, obviously, is not good.
We cannot always expect our partners to accept our children and we cannot always expect our children to accept our partners, but what we can do is make sure our children are happy regardless of the situation.
Your little girl is the innocent party in all of this. She didn't choose for her mom and dad to split up but it happened. She has enough on her plate to deal with from the divorce etc.
Your girlfriend, i'm sorry to say, even though you think she is the best thing since sliced bread, is acting like more of a child than your daughter and causing a problem where there really aught not to be one.
You and your daughter come as a package, if your girlfriend accepts you, she must learn to accept your daughter - if she cannot, she still needs to learn to be respectful around here and realize that your daughter is only 4 years old and will be picking up the bad vibes from her and will begin, if let carry on, to start to respond to the ignorant treatment that your girlfriend is aiming towards her by ignoring her etc.
If left to continue, your daughter will develop a distinct distaste for this woman and possible start to demand even more of your attention herself causing trouble between you and your girlfriend, just as your girlfriend is causing a problem between you, her and your daughter.
You really have to nip this is the bud now, before any permanent damage is done.
You should speak to your girlfriend and explain to her that no matter what you do, you cannot take back the relationship that you had before her and you cannot take back the fact that you have that precious little girl, nor would you, or should you have to, want to.
You need to explain to her that she could be a loving mother figure to your little girl, if she could see it in herself to get passed the fact that she isn't her mother by blood. You should also reassure her that she isn't required to be a mother figure to your daughter either, if she doesn't want to be, BUT she HAS to learn to be polite and respectful around her reguardless of her feelings because that little girl is, as i said, only 4 years old and doesn't need to be picked on or bullied by an adult simply for the fact that she is jealous - which is what it boils down to!
As much as you love your girlfriend you simply can NOT stay in this relationship if it is causing problems with your daughter. Blood is always thicker than water and your girlfriend needs to see that she can either be part of it, or step aside. There is no need for hostility of the child.
If you continue to allow your girlfriends behavior towards your daughter to carry on, then i am concerned that it will be you that your daughter grows up to resent as her daddy allows this "evil step mom" (for want of a better phrase) to treat her in the manner that she is currently being treated.
I am in a relationship with my husband who has a child from a previous relationship and I find it saddens me to think that his son is not my son, but i treat him as though he were my own. My son, in the same vein, is not my husbands son either, so we both have children from previous relationships and we treat them equally and with respect. If my husband ever did anything to disrespect my son, i'd be gone and vice-versa because our children, as much as we love one another, come first. Luckilly we're on the same page here though, and we each fully understand the situation having both bought children into the relationship.
Think about the future that you might have with this girlfriend if you decided to actually have children together, would she treat hers better than your current daughter? Would there be favouritism, would she push your daughter aside for the new child, your daughters sister or brother? Imagine how she would feel then!
You really need to find some way of talking to her again before it gets to a point where the damage is too deep to be reversed. Voice your concerns calmly and clearly.
If you cannot resolve the problem between them, then perhaps this girl is really not for you. Think about that very carefully.
I hope you find the solution you're hoping for.
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (19 November 2009):
 Hun, your gf needs to come to terms with the fact that she is not your first..... It sounds that she is a bit immature and lacking in self-esteem.
Everyone has a past even her... just as I am sure that you were not her first boyfriend or lover...
She also needs to understand that you are not going to sideline your daughter and that she is very important in your life.
Sit down with your gf and discuss this with her and if she feels that because she cannot be your 'first' wife, have your 'first' child etc., then either its counselling or she must carry on searching the world until she finds what she is looking for.
Seems silly to ruin a beautiful relationship because of one's past!
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