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anonymous
writes:I have been with my BF for three years. He has always been really romantic and thoughtful in the area of giving gifts on special days. However, our 3 yr anniversary passed about 6 wks ago and he did not get me a gift. A card, which was nice, but that's it. My birthday was yesterday, and he wished me a Happy Birthday and bought me a goofy card and a piece of candy. I had already made plans to go out to dinner with my two teenagers and he and his son joined in. He did end up paying for the dinner, but he in no way planned any of it. Not an expensive or fancy restaurant. He recently spent a ton of time coming up with a great gift for his Mom and talks about what great things he has planned for his kids for Christmas. He is spending a ton of money on those gifts, so I know he is not hurting for money. He has also spent a lot of time planning for their gifts, so I know he has it in him.I had his entire family (15 plus people ) to my house for dinner for his birthday and also bought a gift for him for about $ 200.00. I don't know what to think,but I feel hurt. We have not been very intimate lately, due to his huge weight gain and being terribly obese, so I am wondering if this is his 'pay back' for that. Should I say something to him, or just keep my distance and see what happens. It might be his way of telling me he 'wants out'...as he is not very assertive. I am not a materialistic person, but did hope to be thought of beyond eating a meal together and a cheesy card. Advice...thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who has answered! I am looking forward to more advice.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (19 November 2009):
 I really don't think it is all together strange behaviour at all, I think Honeygirl hit the nail on the head when she said that; "He has lavished all this attention on his kids and his mom, because not matter what, they love him as he is."
He is probably well aware of his weight, yes, but he is probably stuck in a rut and really doesn't want to do.
If you're unhappy with him the way that he is, then perhaps you're not in the right relationship. If you cannot accept him as he is, and he is noticing the downward spiral enough to push attention on his family and not towards you then perhaps its time to walk away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): My husband stopped buying me anniversary cards and birthday gifts although I still continued buying them for him. On the run up to stopping, the cards went from 'wife' to cheesy/ goofy numbers as if no thought had gone into it but he felt he should still buy something. I think it was a subtle way of him showing me he didn't really care for me or like me in any way and this was a way of voicing his upset rather than saying it out loud. Interestingly when he started on one of his numerous affairs he was always buying the ladies cards and gifts so it was obviously still in him but not for me.
I think your boyfriend may sense you are not attracted to him because of his weight and although he isn't happy about his weight either doesn't like the fact that you don't like it. Men also seem to like a lot of intimacy and will forgive you a lot for regular sex ( terrible thing to say but absolutely true!) so he is probably holding that against you. If you are the kind of person who knowingly or not so knowingly makes digs about his appearance that can create resentment too. I am not attracted to overweight guys either so I know exactly where you are coming from. I think the fact you live in different houses is good and I would suggest a break for a while. I don't think he wants to be away from you I think he is probably unhappy with his lot and knows he isn't doing anything about it which spirals into a bit of depression so he does nothing. If you do really love him I would have it out with him, explain about how his weight gain makes you feel, that you are upset about the cards and presents and that you feel he has made a big effort for his family but not for you and see what he says. His mother and his kids are probably totally non judgemental about his weight so he feels totally at ease with them but they should be helping him all they can as that kind of weight and weight gain at that level is not healthy for anyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I feel I need to say a little more about his obesity. He does not live with me, so I don't have much to do with his meals. When we do eat together at my place, I always prepare healthy, but tasty meals. He starts over and over with a weight loss plan, and then he gains weight as he does not stick to it. I have subtly offered suggestions, ie seeing a doctor for help, having metabolic testing etc. but he doesn't do anything about it. He is VERY unhealthy because of his weight. He comments about his own weight, so I know he is aware of it. I do tell him I love him, daily. I am honestly really unattracted to his body. He thinks about and talks about food...constantly. There are a few other minor annoying things about him, but they are not total dealbreakers. I could care less how much money he spent on a gift, but not getting me anything is a sign that something is going on, especially when he is lavishing gifts on everyone else around him. Very strange....
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (19 November 2009):
If he isn't the kind of guy that usually misses birthdays etc, and you say that the intimacy isn't there then, again, I think you need to talk. Perhaps seek counseling?
You have a problem with his weight, which isn't a bad thing, it is personal preference and each to their own, but this problem is affecting your want to be intimate with him.
Perhaps the lack of want from you is making his want for food deepen and perhaps there is a vicious circle at work here?
This is speculation but perhaps he is depressed? If he is depressed and eating and piling on pounds, to which you respond by not being intimate, he might feel more depressed and eat more and put on more pounds which then makes you less likely to want to be intimate - the cycle could be eating away at him, literally, and he might be feeling like a different person inside than the person you know and love that grants birthday wishes.
I might like to suggest, again, that you talk to him - as ever, communication is always key. You are not a mind reader and neither is he and unless he knows how you're feeling or vice versa nothing is going to change.
You need to re-assure him that you still love him, that you would really like to work on how things used to be and would like to help him if he feels that he has a problem - tell him honestly but tactfully about being hurt regarding the present but also let him offer you the reason for it.
If you make sure he KNOWS you love him, that is a real start. Perhaps you're both drifting in different directions and somewhere along the line dropped the ball.
Talk, talk and talk again - let him tell you if there is a problem, let him know you're there for him. Let the present seem insignificant if that's what it takes, just let him know that you've noticed a change in him and his behaviour and want to help.
Counseling and perhaps some new hobbies together that might be active like squash or tennis, bowling or something couples could do together might get you both out and enjoying each others company again and help him lose weight for his health and your desire. He has to WANT to do it though.
Maybe cook for him some healthier meals, romantic ones? Just let him know you still care and see where you guys end up. In the long term, the present really shouldn't be the issue here. xxxxxx
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reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 November 2009):
 Mmmm.... this sounds like more than just a gripe about a birthday present...
Your bf is obviously feeling like you dont love him, you havent been intimate for ages, hes put on a lot of weigh, so hes probably feeling really down about his self esteem.
He has lavished all this attention on his kids and his mom, because not matter what, they love him as he is.
Sit down with your bf and tell him just how much you love him and love the things he does for you... try and get him to do things with you, go for walks or gym together so that he will want to start loosing weight, make him feel like he is your one and only!
And as for anniversaries - these things often are forgotten about even the most loving of husbands and bf's.... something to do with selective memory!! LOL!! So a few reminders, say.. tell him that you want to have a nice dinner or you are organising a nice dinner on such and such a day... gentle reminders....!!
At least he remembered your birthday, and gifts should not be based on how much is spent, but on whether they are remembered and whatever is given is given from the heart!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, Peanut Butter. I think the lack of intimacy is a big problem, too. He was around 180 when we started dating, now close to 300. I feel like he doesn't care about the physical aspect of our relationship, or he would take better care of his health. I am not very big, around 120 lbs, and it is next to impossible to be with him when he is that large. I understand his struggles and want to be there to cheer him on, but he eats like a horse, even when he is 'trying' to lose weight.
He has not been the kind of guy that misses birthdays....
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (19 November 2009):
If you say something to him you might come across as being ungrateful or money grabbing - make sure that if you do talk to him about it you don't mention that he spent X amount on so and so or X amount on something else, just say that you feel hurt that he didn't get you anything for your birthday, leave the money issue well alone.
If he is feeling hurt or lonely because you guys arent being intimate, it might be a way of getting some retaliation, but I would have thought he'd have done the opposite and bought you something amazing in order TO get some action instead of getting less.
If you've been together for 3 years he might be at the stage where he has become far too comfortable with the relationship and didn't think he needed to make a big fuss about it!?
I've been with my husband since 96 and in that time i've had a couple of cards and no real big presents or anything but the thought is always there, he just doesn't always get around to it - he knows i'm not too bothered about it though and this carries on the behaviour hah!!
Basically, just let him know you feel hurt, but see what happens next time.
If you're having issues with him physically, perhaps you should talk to him about that and about how it makes you and him feel too because this seems to go a lot deeper than a birthday present.
Good luck
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