A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for a little over 6 months, dated my husband for about a year and half. We lived together for a year before marrying. We married during a serious family crisis (one of my parents became sick and died). Up until the crisis, I had been procrastinating planning the wedding for about a year. I initially turned down his marriage proposal, but he convinced me otherwise. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. I probably never was. We'd have sex and it was okay (I always had an orgasm but only by self stimulation while we had sex). However, I was never really totally in the moment when we had sex. Maybe twice and on both occasions it was when I was drunk. I never felt a physical spark with him, but I thought I could get over these things and the attraction thing would get better. It hasn't. It's worse. I'm considered very attractive. My husband is not considered attractive. We would be considered mismatched (which people have told us). I almost cringe when he touches me now. I avoid sex, avoid being naked around him or anything that could make him think about having sex with me. I feel nothing when we kiss, which we have never really done. Everything else is great in our relationship. He treats me very well. I've met someone else that I'm very attracted to and it's causing me a lot of heartache. I'm realizing that I'm still a sexual person, I just don't want to have sex with my husband. I'm thinking about filing for divorce, but this is hard because my husband treats me so well. We have a nice life together and get along well despite a few things. Advice? Ask questions if you need more info.
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divorce, drunk, orgasm, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, lukefortender +, writes (11 April 2012):
I feel sorry for him, you should be honest with him but he can divorce you. Is not possible a guy can stay in a marriage like that, maybe he gets tired of all this and will throw you away too. Stop and make a review yourself. Is it fair what you're doing? You'll regret and will be late, just remember he is not a good looking guy but time flies and he can turn around and become a nice and hot guy. Imagine if he'd get a gym, change hair, make a body development and more!
Think about your marriage and make a decision, do not choose to live like this, never!
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Hi,
Reading your update, I do see that you were trying to help your husband, you are trying hard to be with him, and I do believe when you say that you are being as gently as possible, but honestly I don't see a positive future... I feel that it will only get worst, those physical issues that you have now it will only get worst, as we all know, no matter how much money money you have, how great looking you are, we age and things start going down hill, if you are not happy about his looks now, time will only make it more difficult. As so_confused mentioned, this is not fair for the both of you. You both are young and still have a chance to make a family, and be happy.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Hi, thanks for the additional info.
After reading your post, i wouldn't change my answer at all
Stop wasting his time and your own xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you were pretty harsh. I appreciate both the harsh answers and the gentle ones. I realize this is a very complicated situation. My parent's death was VERY traumatic. Sudden terminal illness after being sick since I was a girl. So I know that might be playing a role. But I had my doubts the whole time because of the physical attraction thing but my husband has a way of pushing me to go along with things. I don't think I'm shallow. If I were, I would have never given him a chance at all. I really thought I could look past his physical appearance. Its hard though and getting random comments from people doesn't help.Someone suggested that I try to help him with his appearance. I don't think I can help much more beyond cosmetic surgery. He's bald and I've helped him shave his head for a cleaner look. I've helped him get rid of the hair in his ears and trim his overgrown eyebrows. He wears very thick glasses and refuses to wear contacts (his eyes are too bad for surgery). I helped him with his dental hygiene (which was pretty bad) but his teeth are still in bad shape and yellow and he won't get them whitened. He has two toes on each foot that are fused together and he's missing his toenails on his big toes. I've gently suggested that he go get surgery for this but he says he likes it. He has very noticeable breasts (even though he's not fat) and I've suggested gently that he go to a doctor to get his hormones checked because I think something is going on. He doesn't seem to get my hints so I guess he's not bothered. He has really bad deep acne scars and I've told him that I like it when he has a very short beard (like scruff) but he usually shaves his beard clean (making the scars noticeable). Of all things the breast thing bothers me the most. Without going into detail, it's very hard for me to deal with the breast thing when we're having sex. I feel awful. I love him so much but the sex thing is just really, really bad. On top of the attraction thing, I'm into being dominated during sex (lightly slapped, told what to do, somewhat rough sex) and he just can't do it. He's tried but it's always really awkward. I have been physical with the other guy and we do have a better connection in terms of interests, age, and culture but I'm not thinking he's the greatest thing ever. I'm just physically and emotionally starved and I know my husband is too.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 April 2012):
 Poor man. Divorce him. It's not fair to either of you to stay married.
You say you are good looking and he is not... I do not think you really love him either... don't stay in a loveless marriage... it's not fair for him either. EVERYONE deserves love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2012):
 Why on Earth did you marry this guy?
I think you need to woman up and set him free and yourself too. Why stay in a marriage that is so doomed to be void of physical intimacy? Seems to me that you are staying married out of convenience, not real love.
I think it's unfair on your hubby to keep this marriage going.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): You seem like a very very shallow woman: this man treats you well, he is faithful, he takes care of you, in fact YOU USED HIM and now you want to throw him away.
Based on what you have written your hormones are jumping for another man. I think your husband has wasted his precious time, love and resources on a woman who is not worth it. So yes the sooner you get out of his life the better.
I find it strange that you lived with your husband for over a year before you got married. During this time you had sex with him? He was good enough for you?
So do you think that this new man will sweep you off your feet and show you the stars and the moon? Well perhaps he will. For a while : while your lust is fresh yes but as everyday life takes its toll you will become dissatisfied as well...then you will look for greener pastures as well.
Your parent just died and you got married.... Are you sure you are not overwhelmed by the tragedy? Sometimes when you mourn you turn away from the very person whom loves you with all your faults... You start looking elsewhere?? Are you sure this is not happening?
If you cannot see yourself changing your attitude towards your husband you need to leave NOW rather than later. Release your husband. He deserves better, oh so much better!!!
Right now you are deliberately misleading and hoodwinking your husband. You are (becoming) a fake and this is no basis for a good marriage, let alone any marriage. You are Not upholding your end of the principles of marriage and soon you will make a sham of it. So get with this other man, make sweet music BUT don't you dare cheat on your husband (I'm hoping you havnt already)
Dear OP, regarding your superficial nature: one day your good looks will be lost and then what will you do? You need to look deep within your heart and really search your soul : physical beauty is only skin deep. Anything can happen to change physical appearances: a freak accident or illness. And then what?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): You seem like a very very shallow woman: this man treats you well, he is faithful, he takes care of you, in fact YOU USED HIM and now you want to throw him away.Based on what you have written your hormones are jumping for another man. I think your husband has wasted his precious time, love and resources on a woman who is not worth it. So yes the sooner you get out of his life the better. I find it strange that you lived with your husband for over a year before you got married. During this time you had sex with him? He was good enough for you? So do you think that this new man will sweep you off your feet and show you the stars and the moon? Well perhaps he will. For a while : while your lust is fresh yes but as everyday life takes its toll you will become dissatisfied as well...then you will look for greener pastures as well.Your parent just died and you got married.... Are you sure you are not overwhelmed by the tragedy? Sometimes when you mourn you turn away from the very person whom loves you with all your faults... You start looking elsewhere?? Are you sure this is not happening? If you cannot see yourself changing your attitude towards your husband you need to leave NOW rather than later. Release your husband. He deserves better, oh so much better!!!Dear OP, regarding your superficial nature: one day your good looks will be lost and then what will you do? You need to look deep within your heart and really search your soul : physical beauty is only skin deep. Anything can happen to change physical appearances: a freak accident or illness. And then what? LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): It sounds like you never actually wanted to be married to him but caved in to pressure and that's how you ended up married and just hoped you would somehow feel better about him over time.
I think its time to end this relationship as its what you should have done long ago.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (6 April 2012):
Hi,
This is complicated... Right now, you are not happy in your marriage in regards to intimacy?... It's a huge problem, specially when you are just recently married, usually the 1st few years are the best, and at least 10 years that you both have been together, intimacy should be exciting. The problem is that, other than that, he's a really great guy, treat you well, give you support, comfortable life. You know the old saying: the grass always seems greener the other side? Well, this is your case. In my opinion, if I were you, I'll suggest to get a divorce, now that you guys don't have any children involved, this way it's much easier, however, I am afraid to give you this advice, then you get divorce, meet someone new, someone that you are attracted, be happy for a while, and as any other couples, you'll have your problems, and then you'll regret? I know when things don't go well with the new guy, you'll think of your husband and realize that it wasn't so bad after all?
This is a big decision, whatever you decide, sure will change your life, and once you make that decision, no turning back? Sorry that I wasn't much of help, just trying to put things in perspective for you, so maybe I can help you seeing the options? Sorry that you feel this way, I know it's difficult to live life when you are not truly happy?... Anyways, hope you can find the answers you need, make the right decision, and find happiness.
Best wishe and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Baby-Morrow +, writes (6 April 2012):
I Agree. I don't believe anyone can tell you to get a divorce. But In my opinion I also think he has the right to be set free to someone who will find him attractive. perhaps he treats you right, but how good can you treat someone that makes you cringe at their touch?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): you need to divorce your husband. One of the main purposes of marriage is to be the only sexual relationship for those two people. but you're clearly beyond repulsed by your husband, for whatever reason. This means that neither him nor you are getting your needs in that area met by this marriage. And as long as you continue to stay married to each other, you will both continue to not get this need met because as married people you're not supposed to be getting it from anyone else.to me that's a deal breaker, no matter how nice your husband treats you otherwise. If it's just not a sexual relationship at all (for whatever reason) then there's no reason for this relationship to be a marriage. You can still treat each other nice - as platonic friends!!an alternative is that you identify what is wrong with your husband that you feel so repulsed by him, and you tell him honestly no matter how much it hurts him SO THAT he can change and not repulse you anymore and so you can develop a genuine attraction to him. But if he can't or wont' do it - if he is so hurt by your revulsion of him that he can't see past that to change whatever it is he needs to change to be attractive you, then my earlier advice to get divorced still stands. As a married couple, your only morally acceptable way to get your sexual needs met is with each other and no one else. No other relationship in your life is like this - no relationships with your friends or other family carries this high expectation. That's why marriage is supposed to be such a special and most intimate of all relationships. So if your husband of all people makes you feel disgusted there's no way either of you will be getting this need met so there's no reason this relationship should be a marriage.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (6 April 2012):
What about your poor husband?
Doesn't he have the right to be set free to be with someone who desires and wants him?
Imagine he was writing this letter about you.
You're not doing him any favours staying with him when he makes you cringe.
Chalk it up to experience hun xx
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