A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:- This post is long. i'm sorry.Lets just call me 'M'and my first love 'J'I'm quite young, 17 and i fell in love with J at first sight 5 years ago. My heart pounded, my cheeks were always flushed and i kept stammering. Naive i know, but that feeling was something i couldn't explain. It was real. I used to be close with him and every single person in the grade knew we had chemistry together. So one day in the middle of the year, he confessed to me, and what did i do? I chose to ignore it. Being the good girl i was, i knew that i was too young to be dating someone. After this, we stopped talking, i was too shy to talk to him again and we drifted even further apart. That same year, i was bullied and put into deep depression over my life and i hated myself and i hated everyone around me. My family meant nothing to me as i never got any attention from my parents. I was abused often and i truly believed that i was not needed in the world. I cut myself off from all of society and became isolated and soon, i lost my identity. This went on for a good 3-4 years. And in year 10, i was on the way to recovery, i had new friends and after pouring my heart out to my family, they were more understanding and they were a little more.. 'attentive' you could say. I was grateful.In those 3 years, i learned to cope with depression, i ended up shutting myself from everyone else and created a resistance to any emotional pain, meaning i didn't give a **** about what anyone would say. I guess that was a good thing, but that also meant that i closed myself up from.. well, me. It has been a year since then and i still don't know anything about myself. For 5 years i never learned to be true to myself and to open up to others. Well anyway, during the 3-4 years of recovery, my feelings wavered over J. In year 7, i thought it was just a crush, but somehow, when we were in class, i couldn't help but stare at him. Every single moment i could. I knew it was real. But i was so confused. My heart didn't beat as fast, i was never flustered, my cheeks never flushed a bright pink as they used to, and yet, i couldn't stop thinking about him. I had no idea what the hell it meant. For the last year of staying in that school, we started talking again.I treasured every moment, i still remember vividly everything that happened the entire year. Music is what brought us together But anyway, i sure as hell created a resistance to any pain, but that also meant i was terrified to put myself in that same emotional pain again from being rejected. Sure enough, i was right. At the end of year 10, we had a formal/prom and it was the last time i'd ever get to see him. I mustered up the courage to hug him and i said 'goodbye, i hope you are happy for the rest of your entire life and that you may be successful in the future'. As we hugged, he told me that he was going to miss me the most. This made my heart stop. A week later after the prom, i decided to confess to him about my feelings, and i'd been trying to get over him for years so this was the only thing i could do. But with my self esteem i could only send him a message over facebook. I told him that i loved him and i explained everything, the first time i saw him, the last time i saw him, and all the unforgettable memories i had with him. So i practically wrote him an essay. He replied and told me that he was thankful for me, and thought of me as a good friend that he could trust. Of course i was hurt from this. He then told me that he didn't want to lose me as a friend because we'd be in different schools. And also to think of this as not a rejection. Because of this. I never got any closure. I eventually got myself busy with my own life and everything and now i'm doing a lot better. I've dated since then and its been around a year since I sent him that message. But in the middle of this year (2012) I made up my mind, 6 months later after confessing, to ask for some closure. Stupid idea, i know. But i asked him 'you know J, i never really got a proper response' and i explained to him again what had happened since then and how i couldn't forget him. He responded to me a few days later as he was on vacation that he didn't see us working out, but he told me that he 'really really' liked me. I was grateful. But still, i didn't get enough closure.I've had a few relationships ever since then, but whenever i'm with a new boyfriend or whatever, i don't feel like i'm in love at all, even when i get kissed, i feel absolutely nothing and i start to remember J. Which is also why my relationships never last very long. Its ridiculous. But i do know that i want to get over him. And i also know that i don't want to be tied down to my past but really, nothing is helping. I've tried dating, getting myself busy, talking to someone, confessing to him and i'm even desperate as to go online and search for help. Please help me .
View related questions:
bullied, crush, facebook, fell in love, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! |
