A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok ... .. about 5 years ago now .. almost 5 to the day .. I fell in love with the woman of my dreams, a woman that made me feel the way I never thought I would feel, in a way that I didn't think was possible for anyone .. let alone me .. problem was I was a month and a bit away from getting married, something I didn't want to do in the first place .. but wasn't able to speak my mind and save everyone involved a lot of time and pain. Two weeks of my insides eating themselves and I couldn't take it any longer .. I let the world know my secret .. I was in love with another woman. The newly married, now ex wife, obviously didn't take it too well... though now she's mother of a child with her high school sweetheart and quite happy.I was during that relationship, using drugs and alcholol to stuff things I still don't know all about, though over the last 10 years i've started to learn more and more.... Two mabye three years of magical day after magical day went by .. life seemed like it could only get better .. and then something happened .. resentment, anger, jealousy, lies, accusations, rage, evil .. everything that two loving people would never want to see each other become .. we became. Using hard drugs together we had turned into selfish individuals .. gone was the love and respect replaced with daggers and seething venom.Now before you judge .. and before you lay sentence .. it's not 100% clear if everything that was said was the truth or merely delusions of grandeur, or at best simply delusions .. actions based on false beliefs perpetuated from false fears and possibly begun by false tales.... boil it all down .. we were like two dump trucks circling each other with an endless stream of shit aimed directly at one another .. while the entire time professing love for one another ... and then jealousy and mistrust became rage and violence .. both having seen the wrong side of the law without even knowing what the fuck went wrong .. .. Nobody seriously hurt physically .. but both wounded by each other's words and actions... and still when the dust settles .. holding each other gently curled up against one another while the body's need for sleep outweighs the minds need for answers to questions now beyond counting .. At least 365 sunrises and sunsets have heard the same thing .. we need to get our shit together, but need to be apart to do it. That time arrived .. it had to .. on the precipice of really injuring one another .. that time has arrived .. I've left out a lot of the gory details, why ? because as of yet ... words are all they might be .. having been diluted and twisted through and through over the hotplate that is addiction. More importantly though because they don't change fact that we could still look each other in the eyes, behind a river of tears, and see the loving creatures who began this journey with the best of intentions and recognize the love that still exists and still honestly say "I love you."Now ... the question .. if given time to see from the outside the damage done to one another on the inside .. is there any hope of having what those two lovebirds held so close to their hearts ? What was 5 years ago, still sits in my mind like yesterday.Is there hope ? Where outsiders say there is nothing but ashes and ember of a love that burned eternal ?
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drugs, ex-wife, fell in love, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your perspective .. before drugs were added into the cauldron .. she brought the best out in me .. the best i'd ever been .. the happiest, most optimistic i'd ever been. .. Though now clouded with delusions with truths and lies swirled in for good measure .. not knowing anything brings out the resentful, angry child who kicks and screams to know what the hell is going on .. from one week to the next it's like a rowing machine .. all that work .. and your still sitting in the same spot .. without both of us seeing the same page .. or at least reading the same book .. it would probably end up back in the cycle again .. Time will tell and hope, single minded unwavering hope can move mountains ..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your perspective .. before drugs were added into the cauldron .. she brought the best out in me .. the best i'd ever been .. the happiest, most optimistic i'd ever been.
.. Though now clouded with delusions with truths and lies swirled in for good measure .. not knowing anything brings out the resentful, angry child who kicks and screams to know what the hell is going on .. from one week to the next it's like a rowing machine .. all that work .. and your still sitting in the same spot ..
without both of us seeing the same page .. or at least reading the same book .. it would probably end up back in the cycle again ..
Time will tell and hope, single minded unwavering hope can move mountains ..
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 It seems the two of you are kindred spirits but unfortunately when the two of you get together there is a fuel that doesn't just spark, it engulfs the love and tenderness that should be so warm and caring.
I couldn't say if it is the drugs making you victims of yourselves, to yourselves or if it's just one of those self destructive relationships that brings out the worst for both of you.
I do believe that if you continue to think of someone every day that there are some feelings left, perhaps unresolved ones or perhaps the relationship just isn't done yet. The other thought is that people who are prone to addiction can focus their addiction on a person. This person brings out such strong feelings of desire that you long for them.
Then again, I also believe that relationships should bring out the best in people but this one seems to bring out the worst in both of you. A good relationship should make both partners better people, together and apart.
I do think the two of you should clean up your respective acts but I fear if the two of you get back together it may erupt into the same volatile, self destructive relationship. Then again, it might not. If it does, it would be wise for the two of you to move on.
All the best.
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