| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm going through a bad breakup.. I was off and on with this guy for 2 years...and he just told me he never loved me tonight. It was always a battle ground...but I thought he cared. I just found out he didn't, he was using me. This got me remembering all of my terrible relationships. The boyfriend before him, off and on for a year and a half, ultimately dumped me while I was home from college (400 miles away,) for a week when my grandpa was dying. He broke up with me via a facebook message. He was my first real boyfriend...going backwards from there had just been crushes, dates, etc... Maybe it's just the depression from the fresh wound and the darkness of this light falling heavily on me, but I'm pretty sure I've never been loved. I've never had a steady, long-term relationship that was consistent...I'm 25 years old. No one even called me his girlfriend until I was 21..and this most recent guy..never used the word to describe me. Does that put it into perspective? The pain is hard to bear. I'm not bad looking, but the biggest problem is probably that I don't get out much...I never partied in college. I'm not a very social person....but I'm just waiting and praying for that one person who I just click with...who feels the same way about me. Is there something seriously wrong with me? Or have I just not found my match?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 October 2010):
Hello again. It's quite involved. He (the new guy), did actually say that he loved you.
Once things started to get serious with this new guy, he mentioned exclusivity, yet didn't use the term boyfriend and girlfriend, as such. Then you pulled away from him and ran back to the ex.
Why is it that you did that? Because a lot of times, guys when they are going out with a girl they would like to get more serious with, once they (the guys) realize this, they might not even mention exclusivity, it is sometimes just assumed, as the feelings between you both, are mutual. It's obvious.
Is the reason you went back to the previous boyfriend, because you thought the new guy wasn't sincere? Because he didn't actually mention the term boyfriend and girlfriend?
Did you have a fear of getting too serious with the new guy? Did you think you would lose your freedom?
Another question I am puzzled by, is why on EARTH did you go back to the first guy who treated you so badly, saying goodbye on Facebook message? What was that all about?
This new guy was doing all the right things towards you. Taking you to nice places, etc. and treating you well.
You said you broke up with the new guy for some stupid reason. Shortly after he (this new guy), started doing things that bought his motives and feelings into doubt, as far as the relationship was concerned.
You did a bit of switching back and forth between the new guy and the ex, why? There seems to be some doubtful feelings you must have been having.
This new guy saying - "I don't, I didn't and never will love you" - seems to me to be him protecting himself and his feelings from getting even more hurt.
I'd say when he said that he loved you before, that his feelings were genuine at the time. Men usually don't use the "L" word, unless they are pretty much sure of how they feel.
There's no doubt, that he probably still does love you now, although he is saying that he doesn't, he is saying this to protect himself and nothing more. There's no point in trying to get the truth out of him.
This has probably all come about because you left him and went back with your ex, then back with the new guy yet again. He is probably wondering if you know who you really want. At the very least, there is some doubt with him - and quite understandably. He doesn't know where he stands with you anymore.
He probably feels a bit mucked around, and very unsure of you now. This is what is really behind all the eratic behaviour of his. When he started to act in an unusual way, he probably thought you were just going to go on switching between him and the ex - every time something went wrong. That seems clear.
The new guy wouldn't want to get too involved with you now, because he will assume you'll keep switching between him and the ex. He would have lost all trust toward you, and you have given him no reason to trust you. This is something to think about also. For any relationship to go well, there must be trust and respect.
The only thing for you to do now, is to work out who it is you really want. In deciding this, you need to think about it all very carefully, reminding yourself constantly of how badly the first guy treated you. Breaking up with you on Facebook, instead of face to face.
Perhaps it might be wise to just be on your own for a while, until you at least can work out what you want and who you want.
Switching between one guy and the other, makes both of them completely unsure of where they stand. That's never a good place to be. If it was them doing this to you, I'm quite sure you wouldn't like it either. Think about that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dorothy, No. The older relationship was boyfriend/girlfriend in the traditional sense. The most recent one went like this. We were set up through a mutual friend. We met at a sports bar--I don't drink. We chatted for hours. It was January...he walked me out to my car, which was freshly covered in snow..he cleaned it for me and waved me off. He then texts me to see if I made it home alright and to tell me I'm much prettier in person and he had a nice time. He begins calling me..often. We spend hours on the phone, 3..4 hours... even though he has to be up very early in the morning. He asks me out Tuesday or Wednesday for each weekend....we go out. Dinner, bowling, movies, coffee, etc... finally after 4 dates (every weekend for a month,) and lengthy phone conversations 2 or 3 nights a week, we go to his place. Watch a movie, eat Taco Bell. Nothing happens. Then the weeknight phone chats lead to spending time at his apartment on weeknights...usually on a Tuesday or Wed. to watch American Idol. He kisses me... we spend Valentine's Day together that year (going on 6 weeks at this point,) he gets me an ipod bc during one of our long phone conversations, I told him I go to the gym and use the old fashioned walkmans, haha. He plays a playlist of songs he created based on what he knew I'd like. This is the pivitol moment where things got serious, physically... and I've no regrets about that. He suggested exclusivity, but hesitated to use the terms "boyfriend/girlfriend."I pulled away from this...got back with my exboyfreind (the one who dumped me via a facebook msg on Grandpa's deathbed..that's actually when that happened. I had broken up with him...started seeing the new guy....left the new guy....got back with old boyfriend...got dumped by old boyfriend in the worst way.... resumed seeing new guy.) We just had too many problems in the beginning...getting together...and it never fully happened, well not until recently...he finally told me that he loved me and began making comments about how he doesn't want me seeing other guys... and then I broke it off for a stupid reason. Then a whole bunch of other stuff happened that called into question his motives and true feelings for me...and he finally told me tonight, that he doesn't love me, he never loved me, and he even went so far as to say he never WILL love me... "I don't love you...I never loved you...I never WILL love you." This sounds like a fight, but it wasn't really delivered in an angry moment...more just irritated and emphatic. So, needless to say, it's a tough, sleepless night. My stomach has been upset..I couldn't eat anything but yogurt..and I've had many fits of heavy sobbing. I walked out shortly after he told me...and he coldly remarked, "You'll find someone. Sorry I wasted your time. Bye."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dorothy,
No. The older relationship was boyfriend/girlfriend in the traditional sense.
The most recent one went like this.
We were set up through a mutual friend. We met at a sports bar--I don't drink. We chatted for hours. It was January...he walked me out to my car, which was freshly covered in snow..he cleaned it for me and waved me off. He then texts me to see if I made it home alright and to tell me I'm much prettier in person and he had a nice time.
He begins calling me..often. We spend hours on the phone, 3..4 hours... even though he has to be up very early in the morning. He asks me out Tuesday or Wednesday for each weekend....we go out. Dinner, bowling, movies, coffee, etc... finally after 4 dates (every weekend for a month,) and lengthy phone conversations 2 or 3 nights a week, we go to his place. Watch a movie, eat Taco Bell. Nothing happens. Then the weeknight phone chats lead to spending time at his apartment on weeknights...usually on a Tuesday or Wed. to watch American Idol. He kisses me... we spend Valentine's Day together that year (going on 6 weeks at this point,) he gets me an ipod bc during one of our long phone conversations, I told him I go to the gym and use the old fashioned walkmans, haha. He plays a playlist of songs he created based on what he knew I'd like. This is the pivitol moment where things got serious, physically... and I've no regrets about that. He suggested exclusivity, but hesitated to use the terms "boyfriend/girlfriend."I pulled away from this...got back with my exboyfreind (the one who dumped me via a facebook msg on Grandpa's deathbed..that's actually when that happened. I had broken up with him...started seeing the new guy....left the new guy....got back with old boyfriend...got dumped by old boyfriend in the worst way.... resumed seeing new guy.)
We just had too many problems in the beginning...getting together...and it never fully happened, well not until recently...he finally told me that he loved me and began making comments about how he doesn't want me seeing other guys... and then I broke it off for a stupid reason. Then a whole bunch of other stuff happened that called into question his motives and true feelings for me...and he finally told me tonight, that he doesn't love me, he never loved me, and he even went so far as to say he never WILL love me...
"I don't love you...I never loved you...I never WILL love you."
This sounds like a fight, but it wasn't really delivered in an angry moment...more just irritated and emphatic. So, needless to say, it's a tough, sleepless night. My stomach has been upset..I couldn't eat anything but yogurt..and I've had many fits of heavy sobbing. I walked out shortly after he told me...and he coldly remarked, "You'll find someone. Sorry I wasted your time. Bye."
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2010):
Hi there. I'm quite sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
This last boyfriend you spoke of as an on and off type of situation.
Was it a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, in the usual sense? You see each other every week - about once or twice, then perhaps one or two phone calls during the week in between seeing each other? Does this sound like the relationship you were in?
What about the previous relationships, were they the same type as I just described?
I am referring to the term you used - "On and Off" - which means not consistently seeing each other. A bit irregular, now and then.
If they have all been kind of "On and Off", what you are describing almost sounds like an FWB (Friends With Benefits), type of relationship.
If you haven't already heard of it before, it's not a relationship in the true sense of the word. FWB's are exactly the "On and Off" type of thing like you described, so that the guy and the girl only get together when the guy wants sex.
Usually instigated by the guy making the phone call to the girl asking can he see her. It's a very convenient situation for the guy, but no real meaning for the girl involved. It's a rather empty, shallow experience for her. Especially as time goes by and her feelings for him begin to deepen.
I have a sneaking suspicion this is the type of relationships that you have had. And yes, like you say it is a loveless relationship. It's only one-sided, no matter how good the sex might be, beyond the sex, there isn't much else. The one-sidedness is the guy is getting what he wants (the sex), and the girl is getting sex too, but nothing else - no love, going out to nice places or getting to know each other properly.
This is where it all goes wrong.
Sometimes when you first meet a guy you are attracted to, (at a bar or some such place), if you decide to have sex with him on that night, that's often how it all starts. You see, you never get to really know each other properly. Quite often, you are all a little bit drunk and start to let your guards down, and before you know it, the guy gives you a lift home and then you have sex with him, and that's the start of it from that point on.
Then (but not all guys), will sometimes make it a friendship where sex is involved. So it becomes a habit. He calls you - "Can I see you?" You say - "Yeah sure, come on over." He does, you drive off somewhere (his place, the car, whatever), and you have sex then he drives you home again. Just like that.
These types of relationships can go on for years. Well, for as long as the girl keeps saying yes.
Most times these guys don't really spend any money on their women, or take them anywhere nice or give them gifts. They probably don't even bother to get to know them. Then once the sex is over, there's no lying in each other's arms just relaxing and talking, (well maybe 5 or 10 minutes), then you both get up, get dressed and you go home or he drives you home. The conversation between you probably is of no real substance either.
How to avoid this type of relationship?
If you ever do go out to a bar or nightclub, where there is alcohol served, just try to make sure you don't have too much to drink, so that you have all your wits about you and are completely aware of everything happening around you. Then you are less likely to let yourself be taken advantage of, because you just won't get into that situation in the first place.
Any guys you do meet in future, don't jump into bed with any of them too soon. Certainly not on the first night you meet them. If you then end up going out on a date, avoid sleeping with them on the first date also. Try if you can to wait for a few dates, and let all men know that you don't give that part of yourself away too cheaply.
Wait until the guy has spent some money on you, taken you to nice places (dinner, the movies, a show, a picnic), and not only that, but also that they are worthy of your love. If they show genuine interest towards you, and respect you and speak to you respectfully always, then over time when you feel the time is right, then consider taking that next step. But you must be ready, don't let anyone try to force that decision onto you. That is your choice only.
If you follow this advice by taking things slowly, and really getting to know each other, and if you have some things in common, plus your lifestyles, family and life values, then you will know when it all feels right to move onto the next stage (making love).
You will gain a new confidence and some self-respect by doing this. The other great thing is, that men will also respect you more, knowing that you are a challenge and do have to be wooed (courted and treated like a lady), to even have a hope of getting to the point of making love to you later on. It will make them work harder to do their best to make you feel good about everything, and to feel appreciated.
Try doing this and I am quite sure that it will all start changing very quickly.
Don't ever feel that you should always have to say yes to a guy (about sex), just to make them like you and want to keep seeing you. Perhaps they will keep calling you, but that's because they know that you never say no. So they keep on coming back for more.
So if any guy ever tries to do this with you say - "No sorry, I have to go out." Even if you don't have to go out, let them think that. Just make yourself unavailable to those types. Over time, you will know what type of behaviour to look out for and be wary of (as I described earlier).
In any case, by holding back from having sex with any new man you meet, you are not going to get into that situation ever again.
I sincerely hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You may be depressed, grieving, or many other things. Impossible to say. Counselors can help you with that understanding, as can books, and lots of other resources, as well as friends and family. However, be cautious on websites like this, lots of advice, but what you see here are "problems" and it makes you think "everyone has these problems" but the truth is "everyone who posts here has these problems".Definitely you just haven't met the person you will click with yet. When you meet that person, and get to know them, then you will know what it is like to be loved.You are not alone, although you can't see the others like you out there, they are largely invisible. I'm living proof of that.I never partied in college, never had a girlfriend of any type till I was 21, and to be frank, I'm "different" intellectually. Many a woman wanted me because of a combinations of my looks (not bad looking according to some, easy on the eyes according to others, and handsome to others) and my "long term potential". Yet, my first true love left me for various reasons after 2 years, and everyone that I met that I found attractive to me didn't find me that way until I was 30 years old. Then, I met the love of my life, that swept everything else away.Was it easy, no. Was she "perfect", certainly not to others, but to me she was "perfect". She felt that I was "better" than her in many ways, and had emotional problems that rifted our relationship, problems that I simply could not see and therefor could not understand nor help her with, and then she left me for another man who really didn't give a hoot if she had problems or not but wanted her only for a roll in the hay.That didn't work out very well, luckily for both of us.Then she came back. She came back after realizing something about herself, which was that she actually and truly loved me...like I loved her...and it took her years to get over the grief and pain of the betrayal and leaving me. But she has loved me for all she is worth over the years and swore to me that she would do everything in her power to understand herself, understand me, and love me like nobody had ever loved me before.We are older now, and I have been loved like I never imagined to ever be loved...Keep looking, at yourself as well as for the other person. It is worthwhile.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 There is nothing wrong with you and yes you have just not found your match yet. Honestly this guy more than likely did love you but he is lashing out to hurt you since you have broken up. I remember an ex of mine telling me that too and he also added that no one else would ever love me either.
Allow yourself to grieve over this lost relationship and think about the lessons it has taught you. I believe every relationship we are in, is preparation for getting us our perfect match. There are lessons to learn from every relationship that teach us what exactly what we want in ourperfect match. Cry, laugh and be angry over this guy but put a time limit on yourself. Then pick yourself up and reinsert yourself into society confidently and happily.
You will be ok doll!
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