A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well i guess the title has got you all wondering what is going on.well ive been in some sticky situations before but non like this.if you have time please listen to my story and i ask for your best advice as soon as possible.well my next door neighbour (yes thats what i said neighbour) he always behaved like he disliked me, so this automatically made me dislike him, i would try not to stay in the same room as him he was always soo mean to me to try and get me to come home.then one day something really strange happened, he started being really nice, paying me all these compliments like how he liked how i smelt, the necklace i was wearing, and that he thought i was attractive. this really caught me off guard.then he started to pick on me by saying i was in he way when he was trying to do something, and i made out i was really upset but it was joking so he put his arms out for a hug to apologise, i didnt exactly know what to do in this situation as i knew what could happen.but something inside me just made me want to so i hugged him....and as i went to pull away he hadnt let me go so i turned to look at him and it was that moment, that exact moment when u know whats coming next ... a Kiss.i twisted quickly and broke his grasp. one thing i have forgot to mention is he is engaged to my neighbour she is whats known as a cougar, (older woman) hes only 24 and im 21.luckily enough right at that moment the cougar came through the door with his son.i felt terrible, i was soo angry at him cause she was my friend how could he do this to her...but later on i found out why...whilst i was talking to her just making general chit chat, he tried to join in and she looked at him in desgust and said shut up! like he was one of her kids from her previous marriage which he also left her for another woman.this was also enphasized by her new man when he said isnt it funny first it was the woman over the road... now its the girl next door. i didnt realised what he ment until i got home next door.i suddenly right at that moment felt very embarrassed for him when she told him to shut up and i didnt know where to put myself and i dont think he did either.as time went on i started to notice more and more things like the fact that her children could talk to him like he was nothing and she wouldnt correct them, that he was more her personal slave rather than partner, and the fact that he couldnt go out with his friends only time he saw his friends was if he was with her, and only time he was on his own outside of the house was when he was with her family.and as time went on we became closer and closer and we would talk in secret.well one night in june after afew drinks at a friends house i came home to find him in the garden, and he wanted to see me in the light for some reason, well i dont know if it was the drink talking but he asked me if i was ok and then suddenly i was blurting out how he was messing with my head, and that why was he trying to get close to me when i went round visiting.he said i dont know why du think with a smile on his face and next thing hes holding out his hand to apologise and yet again this feeling came over me and i grabbed his hand he pulled me towards him and next thing his lips were pressed against mine...all i could think is this feels soo wrong and yet so right all at the same time my head was now even more messed up.with in afew seconds we kissed again and then we both said we have to go into our houses.the kiss was immense i had never felt that way just from a kiss.for afew days i didnt see nor hear from him and this made me angry. i thought atleast he could mention it let me know whats going on in his head but nothing, so i decided it was time i had it out with him, the conversation didnt end well, i told him to stay the hell away from me and i would do the same.and that is exactly what happened for arround two months i went on holiday with my girls i still thought about him constantly and i was dreaming about him everynight also.then before i knew it i was back home and on my second day back there he was and then as i looked directly into his eyes i knew at that very moment that i was in love and their was nothiing i could do about it.everynight there were the dreams and when i awoke he was all i wanted so i decided to try and make contact and eventually about a week ago i seen him and said hi and luckily he responded with a hi not a filfy look.and now its even worse now hes back in my life and all i want is him and for him to be happy cause i care for him not just as i love him but also as a friend, i just want him to be happy which i know that he isnt completely with her.so the other night i decided to tell him well give him a hint about how i feel and he didnt take it very well i think as his response was oh then there was an awkward silence then he said he had to go. and i havent seen him since.apart of me thinks that maybe he never thought i would actually like him back and i think i caught him off guard like he did me with the kiss.or that he felt awkward cause he dont feel the same anymore im just really confused i think i wana tell him how i feel then atleast if he knows then he can either tell me that he dont want me or it might be the push that he needs to get away from the cougar.any ideas on why he reacted soo badly or more surprised to my hint?and any ideas on what my move should be next?any advice would really help me ive never felt this way before and i deep down i know he feels the same and hes just scared to leave her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): I would think that you'd be at least partially aware of what is really going on here. What goes on in other people's life is none of your business. No one likes a nosy neighbor. That man sees you as a tool. He gets what he wants from you and that is it. You're just a side-show distraction from his hell hole (as you have perhaps described). And what kind of friend are you? There's plenty of idiots like him around. Friends you come across if you're lucky.
My advise is forget this man.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 If you keep attracting the wrong kind of man you might be in need of a change in yourself. Maybe you do send out the wrong signal, maybe you accept too much from men, maybe you have high standards when it comes to appearances, I don't know. Or maybe you just live in a bad neighborhood. Maybe you should pick up some classes at a university and meet men there, or maybe try a new job, go somewhere on vacation, start a new hobby, change something small in your life. That might be just what you need. You really are too young to settle, and too young to worry about ending up alone, too young to get married yet, and while you are this young you should go out and enjoy life. Being single is not a curse. It's waiting for the right person you want to be with. If you don't find that, then being alone in the meantime is a lot better than being with someone who is a jerk and who will bring you down, make you feel horrible about yourself, use you and leave you with no self respect.
Time flies by when you're having fun, so start up something that brings you joy, that way you will soon forget about the neighbor. Perhaps moving isn't such a bad idea after all..?
But remember, all the good guys aren't taken. They're on here asking where are all the good girls! So I know they exist. You just have to let them get to know you, so sitting at home and feeling sad about the neighbor will surely not make you meet mr. right, unless mr. right is the postman. Im sorry but thats the best advice I can give. Just remember you are far too young to settle down anyway, so do not freak out over that! Travel and enjoy life while you are young and childfree!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your responses, and in all honesty i know you are right, i just want you to understand something first, i have been single for over 2 years and in those years ive gotten into worse situations than this.
it was also alot easier and more bareable to leave the situation as it wasnt on my own door step.
i have tried for 2 years to try and find one of these decent respectful men that you keep mentioning and im sorry but there not arround they are all taken.
i have also been in a situation where i had feelings for someone else whilst i was the one in the relationship a really bad one at that i just never had the courage to leave, so it would be even harder for someone when their are children involved.
i know im worth more than being the bit on the side and in all honesty i dont want to feel this way about him ive tried many things to stop myself thinking about him its just soo hard when i see hiim every day.
i would love for tomorrow for me to meet one of these decent men and for me to have some form of a normal healthy relationship but ive lost all faith in men even the neighbour as all they want is to get into my underwear.
ive even gotten to a point where im asking myself is there something wrong with me for me to keep attracting, the wrong guys, the engaged boss, the boyfriends bestfriend, the neighbour. and yet i cant seem to figure out what about me is attracting them.
i see my friends and family getting married and having children and i wonder why am i being left behind, i know im young but isnt this the time where im ment to be courting and getting to know the man im ment to spend the rest of my life with.
i dont want to be one of those women who have children later in life i dont want to be an old mum.
at least the older mums are older mums cause they choose to be cause they have other stuff to focus on like careers and stuff but i dont even have that.
so yeah maybe i should get him out of my head, heart and life but its easier said than done cause i feel that if i give up on how i feel about him....
im giving up on ever believing ill ever find love and not just settle for someone for convience.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I honestly feel sorry for your 'cougar' neighbour...she is the only victim in this soap opera. You are supposed to be her friend and neighbour, but you cheat with her bloke anyway and show no loyalty to her. He doesn't sound like a bargain. If he is prepared to cheat on his own doorstep then he would cheat with anyone with a pulse who flutters their eyelashes - neighbourhood dogs and sheep are probably not safe with this man! If he was unhappy with his lady then he could walk out and get on with his life. He stays because he wants to, surrogate mommy is paying the bills and he has no integrity. Confessions of real love from you are pointless. It will just massage his ego a little bit more. If he wanted you as his girlfriend or wife then he would have left her long ago and knocked your door in. It doesn't sound like he is serenading you from the balcony.
He doesn't even bother to be nice to you all the time so a relationship would be ridiculous. You would end up miserable, used and cheated-on, not to mention the need to move home unless you fancy your cougar neighbour sticking her claws into you every time you open the front door. We do not live in a man-famine as far as I am aware. There are single, decent men out there who treat women with respect. To get one of those, you need to get some self respect and self confidence not to get into dodgy situations in the first place. However, why not get one of those nice blokes rather than settling for a cheap fumble with the all-too-convenient bloke next door? Life would be so much easier...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 November 2010):
Oh my god. You are so naive. Im sorry, but you need to hear it.
You know he likes you back but he's only scared of leaving his fiance? So in other words: he's a cheating coward!
What a GREAT man you have fallen in love with! Absolutely amazing. Of course, him being treated poorly by HIS finace isn't his own problem, the poor man is obviously trapped against his will, chained to the wall and unable to break free, the only moments of happiness is when he gets you to dance for him.
And you do it so well. He plays with you because of god knows what, by he plays and you dance. First he doesn't like you, is rude. Then he decides to play with you for kicks, and gives you hugs and kisses, and you fall like you've never fallen before. Then he treats you like crap again and is SO surprised when you confess your feelings.
I'd tell this to a girlfriend of mine too, just so you know Im not trying to be rude here. But you need to open your eyes and smell the facts. He is engaged. By his own free will. If he's not happy there he can leave. End of story. You're not going to be some amazing fairy godmother to save him from his misery. If he's unhappy he can fix it himself, and unfortunately for you, he decided to be an ass and play charades.
You've been played and used. He doesn't care for you. Sorry. You were entertainment. If he cared for you, first off he wouldn't have been rude to you and making you feel horrible at the beginning, but acted normally and been a nice guy. He's not a nice guy. Second, if he actually respected you he'd not kiss you while still being in a relationship with someone else. Him cheating with you means he doesn't respect you, and is only interested in his own pleasure. He doesn't respect his fiance either. But who knows, they might have an agreement going on. Perhaps she and him sit and talk about how he has fooled you into falling for him right this moment. Perhaps it was a bet. Who knows. But one thing is for sure: he's not serious with you.
AND, he's a cheater most probably. So stay away. Just ignore him. He's up to no good, and you know it, and you know whats best for you is to not get involved with him. After all if you DO get further involved you will have to move away once he starts back at being an ass towards you, or just wait until the fiance finds out. She'll make it delightful for you.
So here's what you do: forget about this looser. Find a decent, honest and good man. Not a cheating coward who plays trick with peoples hearts. Lesson learned and you wont fall for the same trick twice. Move on. You'll soon find something way better.
Too bad isn't it, that the greatest manipulators are often the most charming ones....
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