A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, For the past year or so i have been having really negative thoughts and i am always questioning my looks and personality, i never feel good enough for my boyfriend, i feel worthless and ugly, i hate the way i look and i feel like i don't deserve anything or anyone! I always worry about what people think about me and i have stopped going out recently to friends birthdays because I'm scared of seeing myself in photos because i just look awful and all of my friends are so pretty and confident (which i am not).My boyfriend is also going out soon for a big reunion at a pub near where we live and I'm so worried all the time in case he finds someone better looking, better personality or even thinking about him seeing really pretty girls while he is out just makes my self esteem go down even more. We are constantly arguing over trivial things and i think its all down to me as i take my negative thoughts out on him. Some days and situations make me feel really upset about nothing almost to the point of tears and i can't stop feeling like this. I don't feel the same happy person i used to be, i feel like i have changed so much and that I'm just not happy with myself anymore. I can't talk about it to my family as i am too embarrassed, my boyfriend knows a little of how i feel but he always reassures me and for a little bit i feel better but the next day it all comes back again and i don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): Hey, don't be embarrassed for feeling this way. I think most women, (whether they show it or not) feel like this at least once in their lifetime. It seems like it's in a woman's nature to constantly compare herself to other women and feel like she's coming up short. I want you to think about something, though: No matter how much you think your boyfriend will be looking at these other "pretty and confident" women, you will be looking at them more and for longer. He might glance at them simply because they passed him while you will continue to stare. And since you're paying so much attention to them, of course you're going to assume he is doing the same. You want to know the truth? He isn't. "I'm scared of seeing myself in photos because i just look awful and all of my friends are so pretty and confident (which i am not)."I can really relate to this line in particular. When I used to see myself in photos (especially closeups), the word "yuck" crossed my mind a lot. The weird thing is, I looked back on those photos years later and realized what a great smile and pretty eyes I have. But back then all I saw was the pimple on my forehead or some other barely noticeable flaw. Now I just feel silly. I also realized something about those "pretty" women I compared myself to. A lot of their prettiness is artificial. A lot of them not only wear makeup, but they go tanning on a regular basis, some of them don't eat right because they fear they are already "too fat", they dye their hair way too much, extend it, etc. Now tell me, if these women were so damn confident, why would they feel the need to do all this stuff? Walk into any beauty store and just walk through every isle and look at all the stuff they sell. This is where these "perfect" women you see are getting their looks. Men don't know this because they have no reason to ever go to a beauty store. So of course a lot of men are going to ogle these women and view them as the prettiest since they don't know how artificial it really is. Your boyfriend is not one of these men. If he was, he would be too busy chasing them to even give you a second glance. I have known my share of those type of men. I was friends with mostly guys when I was younger, and I remember their conversations about girls. The most shallow one of the group said he wanted a girl who was prefect. His exact words were he wanted a girl who was "porn star hot". Guess what? That was 7 years ago, and he's still single. Oh sure, he's slept with plenty of women, but he's still never had a meaningful relationship. And with his mentality, he never will.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 Do you know what caused these negative thoughts? You say you used to be a happy person, a different person. Surely there must have been something that began this negative spiral.
For some, it helps to fake confidence and happiness at first, it helps to smile even if you do not mean it. When you stop letting those thoughts affect you, they will eventually cease.
I wonder, have you pampered yourself recently? Gone for a manicure or had a spa treatment, bought a lovely new dress or some new make-up. Anything? I have absolutely no idea if it works for every woman but, most of the women I know tell me it helps them feel a lot better when they are able to treat themselves to these things.
I hope that helps.
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