A
male
age
41-50,
*obbyleo
writes:I'm not sure if this is the right website to ask this...My wife and son never seem to let me be alone and do what I like. I leave house at 7am and come back at 7pm. As soon as I arrive they surround me and want my full attention. They talk endlessly and won't let go. Sometimes I have to remind them that I haven't even changed my clothes, or need to use the toilet, or something like that! Sometimes they even get offended if I ask to be left alone for half an hour.I believe I'm not a bad father/husband and I have never neglected them. I never go out to hang out with friends or do sports. But they never seem to be satisfied.Please don't throw the cliche "TALK TO THEM" at me. I have talked to my wife hundreds of times. She believes that the time I spend at work belongs to me and the rest belongs to her.Is there anyone with similar experience out there? Have you solved this problem? Please share with me. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): Problem is when you work all day to pay the bills and come home to an empty house, with no love and then do the same the next day and the next for the rest of your life.Maybe you could finish work a little earlier if you can, cut back on major expenses. Think about it, what type of bathroom suit, sofa, car, can be more important than the time ONE SPENDS with family especially children.Only 'sheeple' forget what is really important.Idea for Holiday (inexpensive)tent, camp fire, picnic, jacket potatoes, fishing rod, guitar, a great adventure for the family and a holiday that is inexpensive. These are memories that can last forever with your son.You spend too much time at work, of course your wife and child want to spend time with you...they get the last few,if they are lucky.Salary's,earnings,responsibilities, should never come before these people in your life.You do need time for yourself aswell (you alone)but is'nt this telling you you work to much.Hope i do not hurt your feelings, that is not my intention, please just wake up and thank god every day for a home thats 'not empty' with people happy to see you.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 Have you thought to restructure your families greeting habits so that they’re busy and occupied whilst you slowly wind down? This was how I was bought up as a young child in the 70’s. I naturally implemented this behaviour as I can see how it benefits. Yet these were the days when Parents and Dads Ruled (Lovingly of course) with teaching their children values etc.
Note how I was given responsibilities and what my Dad/Parents did as I was kept busy... Obviously you’d modernise it, yet it’s simple and effective. Be it 9am-5pm or 7am-7pm everyone was shown respect, given affection and time!? But if your wife cannot comprehend this basic show of respect, then you are bound to demand (just as she is demanding of you after hours) and set the example of how it goes with everyone considered… As I agree; talking would be futile
1. Always greet Dad with a smile, a hug and a kiss – that was natural
2. Don’t be playing LOUD music (Teenage years only) – OFF goes the radio/record player or the volume gets turned down
3. Clean out my Dad’s esky, have it ready for the next morning, do my chores and homework
4. Here Dad would see Mum tending the garden and help, talk about their day and later go to his work shop
5. When my chores were down; occasionally I’d follow and sit near Dad and watch him craft his wood… alternatively I’d be watching the idiot box – Lost In Space or Tarzan
6. As Mum would be preparing dinner, Dad would have his shower
7. Dinner time – Yap Yap Yappty Yap – family time :)
8. After dinner – Into the Lounge Room, cuddle next to Dad and watch our TV shows
9. Bedtime 8:00pm then it was Mum & Dad time...
Gees I was a good kid? :) But a monster teenager – LOL!
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 ah the dreaded 'detox time'
growing up I knew my dad left the house at 6:30 and returned at 6 pm you could set the clock by it.
dinner was at 6:30. He went upstairs and changed out of his suit and had "private time" in the bathroom with his evening paper... NO ONE said ANYTHING to daddy till the dinner table....
my husband and I tend to do this too... "welcome home" when we get home (my time varies) and we both get our private time to go potty for me to take off my makeup and change... and get comfy then we have dinner.
EVERYONE needs down time when they first get home.
Do you have a set dinner time at home?
my suggestion would be to sit down with your wife and say
"Honey I love you and miss you too but when I get home I need to transition from employee to spouse and daddy and I need some "private time" to do so. I really do WANT to be there for you and jr and I have an idea how to make this work.... how about when I get home at 7 I say hello and kiss you... unless the house is burning down or you or jr are bleeding I would like to go upstairs and change and have about 30 minutes of private time to become the man you need me to be... THEN you may have my undivided attention at dinner. So let's plan a schedule... let's say we EAT at 8 pm and I get home at 7. I will gladly come and give you a kiss and say "see you in 30 minutes" and then I will go prepare myself to be the best man you can have. I know it will take some getting used to but I think it's for the best that we try it for say 4 weeks?"
then hear what she says. her reasons my be valid. or they may not be and you can get her to see that...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I was always someone who needed time to change gears between work and home. I do remember arriving home and the kids being so keen that they would barely let me get my coat off. My wife later told me that my body language gave me away. Over time my less-than-enthusiastic reaction took care of the problem. People picked up on it and gave me time to myself.
While I did feel that I needed that time to myself, it ultimately affected my relationships with them. There's no effective substitute for spontinaiety. I became less a dad to have fun with, more a mere presence in the home. I'd help with homework and school projects, but they didn't often look to me for much more than that.
You haven't said how old your son is. I'd suggest, if he's just two or three, that you do your best to accommodate him. On your way home from work, psych yourself that what he wants goes for the first fifeeen or thirty minutes. Trust me, you don't want to train him to be as indiferent to you as my kids are with me.
As for your wife, is she a stay at home mom? If she is, I completely understand how she would be desperate for some adult interaction by 7 p.m. If she had a bit more balance in her life she'd be less needy when you got home. Maybe a Mom's Group -- half a dozen or so women with children around the same age who get together regularly? My wife found such a group helpful when she was off on maternity leave.
Bottom line -- you're not alone, your needs are perfectly understandable, but handle with care.
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