A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I broke up with my ex-girlfriend around 2 months ago and I'd say I've done a pretty good job about getting over her completely. I even get happy when I see her photos on Facebook, etc. with her new girlfriend because they suit each other really well.In the fall, I'm going back to university and going into a very stereotypical dykey program, aha. Women's Studies with my instrument, cello, as a minor. I expect that obviously sometime next year, now that I've broken my 'dating seal' (I never dated before uni) I'll probably have a date/hook up with at least one girl. But the problem is, I don't want to bring my past relationship into my new ones, especially since I no longer have the excuse of no past relationship experience. This is something I can't stop thinking about, AND I don't know how to stop it from happening because it seems a part of my dating personality.BACKSTORY:When I dated my ex, she was (unwisely) my best friend as well because I had just moved that September 3500 km away from my home for uni. We dated from late October to early June so she really was my 'link to the city/social life.' Combined with the fact that my tiny program in uni yielded no cool people, I became rather needy in March/April.By needy, I mean that I never stopped or minded her going out with friends/having down time alone. We had an open relationship, so I didn't mind her making out/sleeping with anyone else. BUT BUT BUT I did want her to make contact once a day at least to tell me her plans for our hangouts. I figured, no big deal, right? She texts her friends dozens of times in a day, she could spare one for me. The result: she became frustrated because I couldn't leave her alone for a day. And I usually called instead of texted, and she hated that. I'm just not a text person. Another problem would be us living a block and a half from each other. I was over there ALL THE TIME because 1) my ex roommate made my life hell2) she had lots of sweet stuff we could do together, like... a computer! a TV! an XBox with projector! etc.3) she was there! and I missed her after a hard 10 hour day at school.The result of those 3 reasons was me spending literally 3 weeks constantly at her house. I lived there, basically. I bought my own food, cleaned up etc., but... I was living there. She never said anything, but sex became WAAAAAAY less frequent (that was really tough for me) and I KNEW she seemed more bothered, but she never said anything to the contrary until almost before I left for my hometown in May. YET I COULDN'T STOP. At the beginning of our relationship she chased me for quite a while and then when I started doing the same it got worse and worse because she retreated. I COULDN'T STOP THINKING that if I invested a lot of time with her, it would make us closer and happier. Seriously, I don't want to do this in my next relationship. How do I keep the distance between us at a tolerable level (against my nature, it seems) and how do I show her just because I want this distance, I don't like my girlfriend any less?
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Hi there,
Well, you live you learn. And I think you learned some very valuable lessons from this relationship. You learned that space is really important in a relationship - you have to be able to miss each other to appreciate each other and let the relationship grow stronger. And you also learned that trust and security is a very important part of a relationship. Where did I get, you may ask?
It seems that your ex-girlfriend didn't do a great job of making you feel totally secure in the relationship. If you did, you wouldn't have felt the need to be around her 24/7, know where she is or who she's with? It sounds like you didn't exactly trust her - maybe on the surface, but not thoroughly - but in an open relationship, it's hard to be trusting. But, she obviously didn't make you feel secure in the relationship, equating the amount of time you spend together to the goodness of your relationship. If you felt really great and secure about her, how she felt about you and how happy you were together, you'd feel great about the relationship all the time, whether or not you're together.
So with your next girlfriend, just make sure that you remember the little things to show her that you care all the time. A post-it note on her steering wheel that says, "you're cute and I love you", on your way home from work when you stop at a gas station, pick up her favorite treat and bring it home for her. Seeing a really pretty wild flower and snagging one for her. Things like that say that you care all the time. And time apart can be as simple as you taking yoga and her taking pilates. Making sure that you have time to go out with your pals sometimes and she has time to do her own thing.
It's easy, it really is. I think you'll be fine. Good luck, sweetness!!!
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