A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am with my husband for 9 years of my life, he was my first love and everything else and I am first also. We have been married for 4 years and we have a daughter together. I have been with my husband thru thick and thin especially when our marriage was just starting. Well he started a new job this year of January 2010. And well I grew suspicious when he would leave to go to work early in the morning like @ 4 am when his job starts at 7.. I've always wondered why, but all he told me was that he had to go to work early and i just left it alone because he would always make excuses. I've always had dreams that he was cheating on me and everything he would go out and comes home 6 in the morning I would always wake up or couldn't sleep at all. I actually had that doubt in my mind that he was doing something wrong but I never believe it because I knew him for so long that I didn't think he can actually cheat on me. One day I actually check our phone bill because I was so paranoid and when i saw how many times he talks to the same number and text message I grew really suspicious. And every time I would check his phone i don't see anything and he always catches me checking it and he would get angry. So I stop being suspicious then suddenly I check his phone and saw a picture that he took of the girl at her house and also a picture of the both of them which looks like they had something together. I didn't get how he replaced me with something that's opposite of me. She is not even attractive as I am.. not to be conceited but its true.I was so upset of what i saw that i kicked me out and right at that time I actually message the girl telling her to keep calling and texting him and to tell her that she ruined my marriage, not knowing that he truly was cheating on me with her. So that night she called and asked who i was referring to and so i toil her and she told me everything that he had told her that he wasn't with me anymore and what happened between them. When I found out i felt my heart dropped on the floor and I couldn't stop crying. It hurt so much that I wanted to die. I confronted my husband and he still denied and finally he couldn't get away with this so he told me the truth... how he was happy with her and he thought he had feelings for her. I grew so desperate that I thought he would leave me for her so i begged him to stay for me and my daughter.. and now i know that it was stupid of me to say that.. because I don't know if he is with me because he loves me or because he just feels remorse for me. He told me that he never had an emotional affair, but I think otherwise. He won't admit that he loved her is in love with her... and that's what gets me. He keeps telling me that he loves and that he made a mistake and i don't know but i think he is confused because he doesn't really know why he cheated on the first place. I know for a fact that he cheated because he wanted to try something new as in sex. I guess he got bored with being with 1 person his entire life. But still that is no reason to cheat on the person that you say you love and especially the mother of your child. Our relationship is getting better I forgave him but i don't think I can ever really forget. Sometimes I would always bring it up and I would burst out and he gets upset. Every time he goes to work I get really paranoid and I think that he still talks to her because I know the girl loves him and she would probably try to do anything to get him back. But he says he ignores her but I can never know. I don't know how to forget and I need help.
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (24 July 2010):
 Im very sorry to hear youve been through this. Its devastating when you discover the person you thought you knew doesnt exist. And you are suddenly confronted with a liar and cheat. It destroys everything, yourself esteem included. You worry that he might still be cheating and thats because the trust has gone. So it will be very hard to believe him now! If he wants to repair things, he will need to constantly reassure you, be sorry, be patient and loving. If hes none of those things, then as the other poster has already said, hes not sorry. Just regretful that he got caught! Theres a big difference. Maybe try a break and see how you cope without him and the stress he brings you. You might find you cope much better without him! Or you could try counselling as a couple and see if that helps you. But you have every right to be upset...and he has no right to be angry with you. You did nothing wrong. Hes lucky you are trying to rebuild the relationship with him and he should appreciate that. If he cant do that and is unwilling to try and fix the things hes done wrong, then it will be hard at first, but you really will be happier without him x
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 July 2010):
 You had those "gut" feelings for a reason. You knew he was cheating on you, you were just in denial.
I know this is going to sound harsh of me to say, but your marriage is over. The main reason I say that is because you said he gets mad whenever you bring up the affair. Somehow he manages to get mad at you for a mistake he made. That is not a sign of remorse, it's a sign of being mad that he got caught. If you did not catch him I have no doubt he would still be doing it. So you have 2 choices:
1. You get a divorce and keep your child as far away from him as possible.
2. You stay married and pretend all is well for the rest of your life. But your life will be a lie and you will forever be wondering if he is cheating on you again (and he most likely will)
I suggest choice #1.
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