A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To anyone especially Mr. Ed:When my boyfriend broke up with about 3 weeks ago he said he needed time and space and I wasn’t giving it to him which I wasn’t every time I feel like I am going to lose something I start to go crazy and try to do anything to keep myself from losing it which ultimately is what causes me to lose it. He said he needed time to deal with his severe depression, and he didn’t know what he wanted to do since he was so severely depressed. I somehow think I caused it with my problems even though he had problems before me. He said he needed time and space to get his head on straight. He said he needed a break and he was breaking up with me because he needed to deal with his depression he had been trying to deal with it a couple of months and couldn’t get over it. He said last time he had severe depression it took him months to get over it. I asked him if he was just saying that we were over, and he said no he was depressed not to read into it. He said he was getting by but barely. He was so lifeless an so cold like he wasn’t at all there. He said we may be together again in the future. I asked him if I was still the one for him (he had always be sure that I was the one and he always said I was stuck with him). He said he didn’t know because his depression was causing him to doubt everything. I asked him if we could go to counseling together and he said if it was something with me or my personality or something between us in the relationship that was causing problems we could, but this was something that he was dealing with that he has to deal with on his own. My mind keeps going back to the he must be lying to you and he must of just decided to be done with you and decided that you weren’t right for him, and he just was trying to sugar coat it for you to not make you feel bad, or that he wanted out because he is seeing someone else or wants to see someone else. Needless to say this has caused me to act really wishy washy and flip back in forth to telling him I will wait for him and stand by him no matter what to not wanting to do with him and that I was going to move on and date other people. My heart tells me he wouldn’t lie to me and he is just depressed, but how do I handle his depression with my own issues. What do I do? He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me at all right now. He pretends like I never existed. I go to the same church and went to the service twice after the break up, and it was like he never knew me. Of course he wasn’t really talking to anyone else either though. I guess when he gets really depressed he doesn’t have anything to do with anyone and is mad at everyone. I think he is now mad at me for bothering him and trying to get him to talk to me and for being so wishy washy. He even blocked me from facebook, and won’t respond to any messages. The last message he responded to was about 3 weeks ago when all he would say was he need time and space and to just give him time. He hasn’t tried to contact me at all. He hasn’t at all told me he never wants to talk to me again and that he just wants to move on, all he will really tell me is that he need time if I can get him to talk to me at all. It seems like he never cared about me or loved me at all even though I was suppose to be the love of his life and we were suppose to be getting married this summer. I thought and still think he was the one for me. How do I deal with this, and what should I do? Can things work out between us in time? If they do how can we both overcome our mental heath issues? Will he return when is better? Right now he wont talk to me at all I guess it is too hard to. I don't know. Can you give me your advice on this. How did you act and how long did it take you to come back around?
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Good for you! Leaving him be at this time IS in fact supporting him and the most caring act you can do for him.
Be comforted: I suspect he DOES know how much you care about him, and appreciates it - even if he is not able to tell you so right now.
As for your question about whether things can work again after a breakup caused by depression, I really don't know. Before writing now, I did read the responses to your question on another post, and hope you found them helpful....
My last word to you is: have trust that God loves you both more than you can possibly imagine, and wants the very best for you.........be willing to let Him/Her work this out in His/Her good time......I know what I'm saying, because that's what I've had to learn to do at times!
Take care, and all the best as you do the necessary work on your own issues.......
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am giving him space now. I just didn't initially because I wanted to know what was going on and I was worried about him. At that time I didn't know he had depression it wasn't till I pushed him to talk he told me. I haven't hardly talked to him at all which is really hard. I do want to give him his space and allow him to get better, but I do want him to know I still care. I have tried to give him space he is just one of those people that likes to totally shut everyone out of his life when he is having trouble. I just wanted him to let me help him. I am just wondering if when a depressed person gets better if they return or not? We are on a break and we still could get back together. I know I have things to work on and I am trying to work on them. I was just wondering if things can work out if a breakup is caused because of the others depression.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 October 2010):
I know this was a horrible shock for you and you are in anguish over it. It's to your credit that you recognize that your own neediness and desperation not to lose him is a large part of the problem.
He badly needed you to be there for him at this time and support him - even if that meant stepping back and giving him the time and space he asked for. I know that's very difficult to do, but unfortunately, it was EXACTLY what was being required of you. Instead, your own desires and wish to hang onto him at all costs blinded you to being able to see his situation from his point of view.
One of the things about life is that we just can't keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. It's like trying to hold on to water - it will slip through your fingers no matter what you do. But you know all this, and your part in bringing it about.
What do you do now? Well, first, try to get some insight into what makes you so insecure emotionally that you feel you absolutely must cling to love. What is it, do you think, that is so lacking in your life that you're driven to behave like this? Are you close to your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents, friends? Have you a sense of family closeness?
Well, family relationships aren't always easy, either. You attend church, so can you realize that you are a precious and beloved child of God? Not because of something you've done, or not done, but simply because you ARE. Can you talk to your minister about some of these issues? Or a counsellor? Last but not least: how's your social life? Your friends? Do you have interests that you find aborbing and rewarding to get involved in? What about your work, or studies? Do you do any volunteer work?
Finally, you ask if things can eventually work out between you and your boyfriend. Well that depends. Depression is a serious illness and he needs professional treatment and medication. He desperately needs to be not bothered by you right now (sorry to have to say so) in order to focus on coming to grips with his illness and getting well.
YOU need to wrestle with your problems too and learn to resist these tendencies that work against your own interests - and will surface again and again in any future relationships until and unless you can get a handle on them.
MAYBE once you've both made progress in these areas you'll be able to be happy together in time. Hopefully you'll both have the support of family, friends and the church community at this difficult time.......
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A
female
reader, Just Saying +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Wow, there really seems to be some issues. First let me say that he seems like he is really going through some tough time and depression is no joke, by him isolating himself from you and probably from most of his family and friends just shows that he is really going through a very tough time. The best advice that I can give you is to give him his time, let him get himself better and let him figure out what is really bothering him.
I will advise that you still keep an eye on him without being to in his space, just make sure that he is o.k, he might want to go to counseling for himself but only he can do that all you can do is try to help by not turning your back and by not pushing him. I truly wish you and him Good Luck.
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