A
male
age
41-50,
*ubZero21
writes:My fiancee and I are in a long distance relationship. She moved about 5 hours away for college. I try to visit her whenever I can (about once a month). The issue is about 24 hours before I have to go home she starts to get depressed and sad and tries to get me to stay longer. I explain that I have my own responsibilities at home and she'll still be upset. How can I help her cope better when I have to leave?
View related questions:
depressed, fiance, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): "How can I help her cope better when I have to leave?"You can't. She's either needy-insecure-clingy or manipulative or both. As a much older guy that's a huge red flag: Your responsibilities and obligations, wants and needs don't matter. It's all about HER, and she sounds like a high maintanence drama queen who will never be happy or satisfied or pleased or grateful no matter how much time spent and effort expended.DO NOT give in to her whining and moaning and sulking and hissy fits and tantrums when you leave, especially when they begin a day in advance. Assuming no wedding actually planned or date set or likely to happen within next few years, and given "fiancee" is hundreds of miles/kilometers away with personal contact limited to monthly weekend shack-ups, I respectfully suggest you may wish to take advantage of current opportunity that time and distance apart presents to reassess your "engagement" and your future. Attempt to give you benefit of years of first-hand observation (but thankfully not personal experience): At some point in time, be it now or in six months or years from now, you will reach saturation point, spent and exhausted and fed up, finally realizing she really isn't worth the time and effort needed to keep her pacified for a moment. How much of each you will have wasted before the light comes on is strictly up to you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
 oh leaving is so hard...
my fiance, without realizing it, started picking fights the afternoon before I had to leave... it was easier for him if we left and he was angry.... I finally told him he needed to stop trying to pick fights...
we were only 2 hours apart so we started stretching our weekends... so badly that I am not able to get caught up on all the leave I took from work... I would leave early or miss an entire day on fridays.. and come in late on Mondays because I drove from his place straight to work... it was rough... i hated leaving him... but we had responsibilities and jobs...
and we had an end in sight... him moving in with me and ending the distance so we focused on that.
we set up very specific phone calls a morning wake up call to him from me at his request.. a bed time tuck in call from him to me at my request... daily routine things that sometimes took 2 or 3 minutes total but were so comforting to me....
setting up daily routines together may help her cope with the leavings... promises to call when you get home....
leaving things of yours with her may help her cope better.
when my son was very young I had to prepare him for leaving a place as transitions were hard for him.
as we were leaving it was "son's name, we are going to be able to stay 2 hours once we get where we are going"
and then I would remind him of this when we got there.
then at 1 hour I would say "son's name we are leaving in an hour"
and as it got closer to leaving time I would remind him...just like that ..
30 minutes
15 minutes
5 minutes
and we still had problems at leaving time.. but not until and not as severe.....
maybe you could try something like that with your fiance..
'honey I'm so glad to be here and so sad I can only stay 3 days this visit"
and then the next day "darling I'm having such a great time it's a darn shame I have to leave in two days"
etc.. so that it's OUT there and discussable....
because your leaving right now is the elephant in the living room that no one wants to talk about...
and it's ok for her to be sad
and even cry
and say she wishes you could stay but she understands you have to go... and if you are as sad as she is TELL HER...
best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 It's a tough situation. I was like that when i was in halls at University i would try to get my boyfriend to stay a bit longer so i had that bit extra time with him.
Try and get her to focus on the positive that it won't be long until you guys see each other again. Maybe give her a little something to keep with her that reminds her of you so if she does get a bit low she has that there to help her feel closer to you until you guys see each other again.
Maybe spray an aftershave you use on something for her.
Hope this helps
...............................
|
