A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a question regarding child support for my son, who is 18 and graduates HS next month (June). In my state, child support terminates upon graduation of HS at age 18. My ex-wife is the custodial parent, and I have paid child support religiously since we divorced in 2011. Over the years I have paid for many extras for my son in addition to child support, such as clothes, school supplies and some medical bills I split with my ex because I felt they were above and beyond what is covered under child support. I feel that I have been more than fair. My ex on the other hand...Now the ugly...I recently found out from my son that my ex has not been spending even half of my share of the child support on him...which means less than one quarter of the total state mandated support, since her "half" is about equal to mine since we have similar salaries. TO make it worse, years ago she agreed that anything she did not spend on him would go into his college fund. Well, come to find out she's saved $3000! I have saved over 10 times that and am still investing at a heavy rate. To make it EVEN WORSE, she has gotten new cars, Lasik and gone on trips...PLUS she took all his savings (about $7,000) from gift money from when he was a child and put it into his 529. So my son is pissed because technically, he has saved more for college than her. When he was a toddler, my exes grandmother claimed to have put aside money for his college (she is basically a millionaire) and that we wouldn't have to worry about saving. Well, I asked my ex about that, and she said the money is all but gone from the stock market decline and the fact her grandmother is now in a nursing home. I'm just explaining that so you understand why we didn't save when he was younger...bad idea, I know, but it is what it is.Recently my ex told me she was expecting me to continue child support for another 2 years since he will continue to live at her house and she pays his medical insurance. I told her no, I would be giving him the money instead and would take over paying his health care. I said if she wanted to make him pay for his own stuff or pay a small rent, that was up to her, but I wasn't obligated to her after he graduates...I was obligated to HIM. She was furious. Obviously she was using some or all of the money for herself...nobody who was spending all the child support on their child should care so much if it goes directly to them, right? And I am picking up the health care, so I see it as a win-win for her. I also gave him a car with the condition that she pays the insurance. Well wouldn't you know I come to find that she is asking my son to pay the insurance.So my plan is to use the amount I paid each month for child support ($800) and divvy it up as follows: $175 for his health care, $325 toward his college fund while he's attending(on top of the $600/month I've been putting in since the divorce) and give the rest (about $400) to him as a stipend while he's in college to cover fuel, basic expenses and some of his meals while he's out and about (which is most of the time). I figure that leaves my ex with only needing to cover some minor expenses like food when he eats at home and the minor added expenses (water, electric) that he uses while living with her.I think my arrangement is fair, legal and still supports my son until he is on his own.What do you think??
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, grandmother, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): You are like alot of men out there.You think that your support did not go to your son.I just feel so angry with the way you think.Your little bit of support did not even cover half of your son's expensives.Do you even know how much a teen boy can eat in a week?Hundreds of dollars.High school fees alone were crazy.You have no clue.So your son is mad his mom only got three grand for school for him?Why doesn't he like get a job and like you know what most kids in college do.oh but he is a special snowflake isn't he?Dam this entitlement generation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): Have him move in with you. Win win. As you are probably on the hook for college tuition (assuming he's going to further his education) you can flip the tables and ask her for money for school. He's 18, he's not needing custodial parenting. She won't be the custodial parent then, she'd just be his mom.Go to your lawyer and get some advice there just to make sure this is a good strategy. Maybe you have a friend who's a lawyer or is close to one? Could save you some cash right there. A couple hundred bucks now could save you thousands later.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Stick to your plan. TRY and avoid discussing your ex-wife with your son.
She doesn't HAVE to like it. YOU do.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): All good advice, but let me clarify that I am well aware of all the things child support goes toward, and I understand and accept that many of the "hidden" expenses that my ex sees also get covered by that...things like entertainment, a portion of all living expenses to include insurance, and a host of other things that don't directly benefit my son. I have no problem with that. But understand my son is 18, has a job, a car and is rarely home except to sleep study and hang once in a while. I have been giving him some spending cash because I know his mom does not. He has been honest with me and is telling me these things. I know he is not playing both ends with me either.Do I think his mother has been taking all the money for herself...no. But the fact is that she is not allowed to take ANY strictly for herself. If it is a purchase, like a car, that facilitates better living for my son as well, I am OK with that. But not when she asks for more money at every drop of the hat. I was paying over $100 a month for piano lessons at one point and she came to me asking for a few hundred so he could get his lifeguard training. I asked if she wanted to split the $800 I had spent on music lessons. Of course she refused and became furious over it. So it has not been equitable at all to say the least, and frankly, I don't trust her. I have gone without a great many things so I had enough for my son for college and other things he needs. I don't feel she has upheld her end. I think she has been a good mom otherwise, and I would like to help her...I even considered continuing to give her the child support, but perhaps a reduced amount and give some directly to him. But I figured that he can contribute to her expenses with what I give him if he so desires. That teaches him to pay his way in life, and is impetus to get his own place and a job once he is done with school. I have discussed this at length with my son and he prefers this arrangement. Remember...he is the one who came to ME with all these problems. He is quite annoyed she has not been more of a direct help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): I must add, your ex-wife's lifestyle intertwines and blends with that of your son's. If she lives a comfortable life, he lives the same by living with her.
You may have resentment for the fact she lives well and benefits in part; because of your financial contributions.
However; you're forgetting your son also rides in that nice car, and gets to share whatever benefits she gets. He has more needs than school supplies, books, and insurance.
He needs a happy mom, a comfortable and lovely home, vacations; and knowing that he is provided for by both of you in every way that is conceivable. She isn't taking anything from him, and she is the mother of your child.
You can't divorce that fact.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2016):
I think you are doing the right thing. Absolutely.
We have been helping my husband's oldest daughter (from his first marriage) with a small amount monthly, because she not only got into a really prestigious program, but she had since stayed at a 4.0, is on the dean's list etc. She is working VERY hard. She also saved 75% of the costs herself, but working 3 jobs while waiting a year to see if she would be accepted. So yes, we are trying to help her out. While her mom (the ex wife) makes 3 times what our income is, she was furious that the "support" didn't go to her. But as my husband put it... "tough cookies."
And I agree with Chi, childsupport doesn't JUST cover clothes and food. As I'm sure you know raising a child IS expensive.
Here is a link that shows you what it covers:
http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/what-does-child-support-cover.html
Now she might VERY well have been living off that money ( I have seen that many times) like it was "hers", but not much you can do about that NOW. What you can do is stick to YOUR plan. She might not like it... "Tough Cookies".
You ARE within the LAW to give him nothing. Her nothing, after the age of 18. But you obviously understand that you role as a father doesn't STOP at 18. Which is VERY nice to see.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Set up a trust fund for your son. The administrator of the fund can issue the money according to your stipulations, and your ex-wife can't put a finger on it. The money will be accounted for, protected, and proof of your financial contribution to your son's financial security.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 I agree with you. Do as planned. Don't send any money to her, if your son needs it, you give it directly to him.
I don't know if your ex was necessarily using all the money for herself, though. We have no idea what she did with it. She didn't spend it all on him, but then again I don't think child support is meant to ONLY go to the child. It is part of a family, and her buying a car, and paying mortgage etc, could be seen as her buying stuff for herself, but then again how can you take care of a child if you have no roof over your head, and how can you drive the child around if you have no car.... Just stuff like that makes me think you shouldn't feel so angry at her. She probably just did what she felt best, for both her and her son. Different priorities than you have, but that's humans. We do things differently.
...............................
|
